In this Issue
Feature Article
Developing Win/Win/Win Outcomes
by Kim Olver
NEW
Mastermind Group
Inside Out Empowerment
Teleconferences
Workshops
"The best compliment to a child or a friend is the feeling you give him that
he has been set free to make his own inquiries....
~Alistair Cooke~
Book Review
Screamfree Parenting
by Hal Edward Runkel, LMFT
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Upcoming
Events
Click on title of class for more information and to register or visit
www.TheRelationshipCenter.biz
ALL TIMES IN EST
NEW Ongoing Mastermind Group, offered the second Tuesday of every month. Anyone can join in to learn about the process of IOE, Inside Out Empowerment and how it can open your heart, free your mind and transform your life.
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All teleconferences are one (1) hour in length unless otherwise stated and all you need is a telephone. When you register we will send you a phone number that you will call five minutes prior to the start of your teleconference. You will have the opportunity to ask questions, but if you prefer to just listen that’s all right too. You do not need a computer or Internet, only a telephone. Don’t delay. There are a limited number of slots available.
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The following teleconferences
are FREE (except the parenting teleconference series)
Click on the link for a full description and to register
Stress Management
March 18, 2008
8:45 - 9:45 p.m. EST
Feeling stressed?Life getting to you? Then you need this teleconference. Learn how to de-stress with Choice Theory. Choice Theory states that all behavior is purposeful. Believe it or not, stress is a choice and you can choose not to be stressed! Learn how in this free teleconference.
Relationships from the Inside Out
March 25, 2008
8:45 - 9:45 p.m. EST
Learn the skills you need to create the relationship you deserve. Learn about the seven deadly relationship habits and how to replace them with loving and caring habits. Start improving that relationship you have with your signifcant other by registering for this amazing class today.
Goal Setting & Attainment
April 1, 2008 -- Offered at two times for your convenience:
3:00 - 4:00 p.m. EST
8:45 - 9:45 p.m. EST
Are you serious about attaining your goals next year? Do you want to do more than make a New Year's Resolution that you forget by the time the Super Bowl is on television? Join me on the free teleconference to learn my time-tested 7-Step process for Goal Attainment. We will do more than set goals--we will discuss a system to implement that will exponentially increase your opportunity for success. Also, my Goal Attainment System is multi-faceted. You won't just be focusing your attention on your career goals unless you want to. My system has you take a look at all areas of your life so you can accomplish an optimal work/life balance for you. There is nothing to lose but an hour of your time and so much to gain. Let's make this your best year yet!
Time Management
April 15, 2008
8:45 - 9:45 p.m. EST
Ever wished you could have some extra time in your day? We all know that's not possible but it is possible to learn to maximize each moment so you can get everything out of your day you want. Join me on the teleconference where I will teach you some time-tested techniques to do just that!
Empowerment Parenting
April 22, 2008
8:45 - 9:45 p.m. EST
You cannot continue to parent your children the way you did when they were younger children, or even the way your parents parented you. The world is different! Children are different! If you do not learn new innovations in parenting, your efforts will likely be ineffective at best, and actually destructive at their worst. Join us for this teleconference and learn about the inherent conflict between parents and their children, as well as ways to circumvent it. You can reasonably insure your child’s safety and still maintain a positive relationship.
Overcoming Depression
April 29, 2008
8:45 - 9:45 p.m. EST
Do you suffer from symptoms of depression? Do parts of your life seem out of control and unmanageable? Would you like to develop the strength to overcome these feeling without medication? This call will help. The most effective way to successfully change feelings you don't want to be experiencing is by taking control of what you can control. In this dynamic, empowering call you will learn steps you can take to begin to have more happiness in your life again, regardless of what is happening around you.
Choice Theory & Reality Therapy
May 20, 2008
8:45 - 9:45 p.m. EST
Choice Theory/Reality Therapy® can help you in every aspect of your life—it becomes the new way you view the world. When you apply these concepts, you will become a better person, a better mother or father, a better life partner, a better employee or supervisor and overall you will have more peace in your life. Your relationships with other people will become more satisfying and you will move closer to those you care about.
Anger Management
June 3, 2008
8:45 - 9:45 p.m. EST
Are you someone who is confronted with angry people in the course of your life? Spouses, children, extended family members, neighbors, community embers who have tempers and like to yell at you? Want to learn ways to take the wind out their sails and have them communicating more cooperatively? Then this class is for you!
Inside Out Thinking
June 17, 2008
8:45 - 9:45 p.m. EST
Do you find that your happiness is often contingent on people, circumstances or things that you have no control over? Do you feel like life is just passing you by while you wait for.... Inside Out Thinking is such a powerful way to unleash your personal power in a big way. Take control of your life. Register today.
Empowerment Parenting: You cannot continue to parent your older children the way you did when they were Attend this teleconference series and learn about the inherent conflict between parents and their children, as well as ways to circumvent it. You can reasonably insure your child’s safety and still maintain a positive relationship. Click Here for a full description and to register |
Foster Parenting Teleconference Series
Six (6) Week
Teleconference Series
March 3 - April 14, 2008
Six (6) Week teleseries. Click on link for more information or to purchase. Foster Parent Agencies - Please click here to order this teleseries
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Chats
All times listed in EST
Kim will be available in her chat room for questions and dialog on the following dates and times:
All Chats are from
7:30 - 8:30 p.m. EST
February 12, 2008
February 19, 2008
March 4, 2008
March 11, 2008
Inside Out
Personal Edition
“You can't change the direction of the wind. . .
but you can adjust your sails!”
---Jimmy Dean
Kim Olver, MS, NCC, LPC
www.TheRelationshipCenter.biz
Kim@TheRelationshipCenter.biz
March 3, 2008 - Volume 4, Issue 3
This Month's Feature
Empowerment Parenting:
Teleconference Series
Six (6) Week Teleseries
March 3 - April 14, 2008
You cannot continue to parent your older children the way you did when they were
younger children, or even the way your parents parented you. The world is different! Children are different! If you do not learn new innovations in parenting, your efforts will likely be ineffective at best, and actually destructive at their worst.
Attend this teleconference series and learn about the inherent conflict between parents and their children, as well as ways to circumvent it. You can reasonably insure your child’s safety and still maintain a positive relationship.
A Message from Kim
Hi Everyone,
I am so excited about our Empowerment Parenting teleconference series. This is the perfect way for you to learn more about parenting with empowerment for both you and your child. It is a six-week class. We are meeting on Monday evenings. However, all sessions are recorded so if you can't make a session, you will receive the MP3 recording in your email within 48 hours of the original class. The price is spectacular and the difference it will make to your relationship with your child is worth 100 times the cost of the teleseries. Register here.
I also want to remind that it is never too late to join our Inside Out Empowerment Mastermind Session on the second Tuesday of each month. We had a great group our first time out in February and I'm expecting an even better session this month. Why not join us? It is the perfect forum for anyone interested in taking any Inside Out concepts and applying them consistently in their lives. The Inside Out Empowerment Mastermind Sessions are designed to help people who are implementing these ideas and need extra support and accountability. Check it out here.
Two great opportunities this month. Don't miss out.
Make today the day you want it to be!
Unleash the power within you.
Kim Olver
Feature Article
Developing Win/Win/Win Outcomes
by Kim Olver
Whenever there is a conflict or disagreement, the natural inclination of both parties is to push to get their way. Humans are wired to win. We are driven to get our power need met and we learn very early how to power over other people to get what we want.
Negotiation is a behavior a person has to learn. Most people don’t have an aversion to the other person winning, as long as they can win, too. However, most of us are unfamiliar with a true win/win model and believe it involves compromise, meaning one or both people have to at least give up some of what they want. This still feels like losing in many cases.
When you and your child come together for the express purpose of reaching a solution where you both get what you need, obviously you both win but the other big win is for your relationship. Your relationship is strengthened when you work together toward that common goal, while using “Caring Relationship Habits” along the way.
Usually in a negotiation with your child, you are attempting to get your need for survival met by ensuring your child’s safety. Your child, on the other hand, is generally not even considering survival. He or she is most interested in love & belonging with friends, freedom to explore, freedom from parental restriction and the power to be his or her own boss and to explore the world.
The way to begin this negotiation is to agree that you have something to negotiate. Admitting you have a conflict is the first step to resolving it.
The second step is to actually listen to each other’s position. Because you are the parent, you need to listen first. The kind of listening I am referring to is listening for understanding. You don’t have to agree, just understand.
When your child feels sufficiently understood by you, it will be your turn to tell your child what you want. When you get your turn, try to stay focused on your job as a parent being keeping your children safe. It is very difficult for a child to fight against that concept. He or she may think you are doing too good a job at it, or complain you are being overprotective, but he or she will have a difficult time arguing it’s not your job to keep him or her safe.
Take some time with your child to develop your shared vision. Let him or her know what your concerns are and allow your child time to formulate and express his or her plan to manage each one. If your child doesn’t have a plan for avoiding the obstacles you are concerned about, then offer to help him or her reach a solution.
With Empowerment Parenting, you are attempting to avoid your child engaging in unsafe behaviors behind your back. You may believe you have wonderful, obedient children who would never defy your wishes. That may be true; however, I know that if any of their needs go unmet for a long enough time, they will have to at least attempt to find satisfying ways to meet those needs. The ways they choose may not be ways that are safe or responsible.
The best way to be successful is to decide ahead of time that you are both able to get your needs met in the situation. You can win, your child can win and consequently your relationship will win and become stronger.
Continuing to work it through until you find an acceptable solution for both of you is the goal. Never give up on your ability to create this third alternative. It is always within your grasp if both of you are willing to create it.
About Kim OlverKim Olver is a life coach and public speaker who has a graduate degree in counseling, is a National Certified Counselor and a licensed professional counselor in two states. She has worked in the helping profession since 1982 and has spent her entire life helping people get along better with the important people in their lives. Kim works with couples, parents and children, and individuals seeking to improve their lives. Check out her Empowerment Parenting Home Study Course. |
Click here to read some of Kim's other articles
Quote of the Month
"The best compliment to a child or a friend is the feeling you give him that
he has been set free to make his own inquiries, to come to conclusions
that are right for him, whether or not they coincide with your own"
~Alistair Cooke~
This sentiment sums up Empowerment Parenting in a nutshell. You are allowing your child freedom to make his or her own mistakes but also, holding him or her responsible for the outcomes of those decisions--responsible for the positive and negative consequences. Being an Empowered Parent doesn't mean you just allow your children to do whatever they want.
No, you are talking to them all along the way. Asking questions for clarity, and providing information when appropriate. Asking questions so your child can self-evaluate the likely outcomes of his or her choices. Then you support his or her right to make his or her own choice and get out of the way of natural positive and negative consequences. If things work out, it's wonderful. If they don't, that's good too. You are there to support and encourage your child to keep going and to learn so it can be done better next time.
Book Review
Screamfree Parenting: The Revolutionary Approach to Raising
Your Kids by Keeping Your Cool
by Hal Edward Runkel, LMFT
I enjoyed reading Runkel's book. Many of his ideas are in line with Empowerment Parenting. The only place he differs is he says if a child knows the external consequences of his or her behavior and he or she keeps engaging in the behavior then, in essence, he or she is choosing the negative consequence. I disagree.
The only reason parents should be imposing external consequences is if a child's safety is in danger--life or death. In the absence of that dynamic, I believe parents should help children understand and evaluate the natural consequences of their own behavior. A parent shouldn't have to impose more consequences. If a child doesn't do his or her homework, the school will provide a poor grade. If a child fights with other children, he or she will not be liked. If a child goes outside without a coat, he or she will get cold. If a child stays up too late, he or she will be tired and cranky the following day. All of these are natural consequences that parents can point out by asking their child some simple self-evaluation questions.
This method helps the child connect his or her behavior with the consequences and Mom and Dad don't have to be the bad guys. Now when safety is an issue, parents need to restrict a child's freedom until he or she learns the responsible behaviors to manage that freedom and the freedom should then be restored. External, imposed parental consequences are rarely needed when Empowerment Parenting is applied consistently.
Tip of the Month
Our children, more than anyone, tend to get our emotions in overdrive. We have such love, devotion, compassion, fear, terror and frustration when it comes to our children. We tend to use our emotions to attempt to control our children. If we get angry enough, we hope they will comply. If we make them feel guilty, we hope they will do what we want. When we are afraid, we passionately plead our children to not do the thing that scares us.
When talking with your children, make sure your emotions are under control. Often our emotions backfire on us. When we go into meltdown mode with our children, they tend to think of us as not too stable and unfortunately, they are right! Before going into a discussion with your child, take some time to get your mind right. Remember who is mature and full of wisdom. Remember you have needs but your child does too. He or she is likely to do whatever it takes to get what he or she wants. Don't allow them to take your emotions hostage. Stay involved and connected without becoming enmeshed.
It's a fine line to walk but walking it will often make the difference in whether your encounters are successful or disastrous. Do not interact in your child when your emotions are in control. Wait. . .take the time you need to get yourself together before tackling a discussion with your child.
Relationship Q & A
Question: I don't understand what's wrong with disciplining my child. When he breaks the rules, he needs to be punished.
Answer: Children are going to break their parents' rules--some children more than others. Children who have a high need for power and freedom will break parental rules more often than children high in love & belonging. Sometimes, the only way children have to meet their needs for power and freedom is to break your rules. If your child is high in these two needs, then your job is to help him or her develop responsible ways to get his need for freedom and power met. If children have responsible ways to meet those needs, they will not have to resort to breaking rules.
When you punish your child for doing the best he knows to get his needs met, it tends to not make sense. If your child knew a better way, he would choose it. I believe in restricting freedom to keep your child safe until he learns responsible behaviors to manage that freedom. Once he has learned new behaviors, then you can restore the freedom. Other than that, simply talking to your child about the natural consequences of his behavior should be enough to help him understand a better way to accomplish his goals.
When you punish your child, you damage your relationship. Since relationship is the root of all influence, you are decreasing the likelihood of having an impact on what your child does. Maintaining strong relationships will have your child coming to you for advice or help when things don't go as planned. It all comes down to what kind of parent do you want to be?
Workshops
Click on the links for more information and to purchase
Relationship Empowerment
Click on date for more information and to purchase
April 28, 2008
Chicago, IL-- Prairie State College—Matteson Center
7:00 - 9:00 p.m. CT
$29.00 (Bring your partner or a guest for free)
So often, couples get stuck in a rut where each individual is waiting for the other to change their ways. In this workshop, participants will learn to engage in the seven caring habits by following the Platinum Rule: Do unto others as they would have you do unto them. Gender differences in relationships will be explored. Participants will learn the three possible relationship choices. Participants will learn a negotiation strategy so both partners win. People will leave knowing that they have the power to change their relationships regardless of what their partners do.
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Empowerment Parenting
Two dates to choose from. Click on date for more information and to purchase
March 17, 2008
Chicago, IL-- Prairie State College—Matteson Center
7:00 - 9:00 p.m. CT
$29.00 (Bring your partner or a guest for free)
April 30, 2008
Chicago, IL-- Prairie State College—Matteson Center
7:00 - 9:00 p.m. CT
$29.00 (Bring your partner or a guest for free)
This workshop helps parents to understand the psychology behind what is happening with their children at various stages. Parents will learn how to align themselves with their child’s resistance for increased cooperation and compliance. Parents will learn how to sacrifice what they want now—strict compliance, for what they REALLY want—a responsible, caring, child who is capable of making rational decisions. Empowerment Parenting teaches parents simple skills and strategies for helping their children successfully make it through the challenging phases of their lives.
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Introduction to Choice Theory
Chicago, IL-- Prairie State College—Matteson Center
March 19, 2008
8:30 a.m. - 4:30 p.m. CT
$69.00
Learn the basics of Dr. William Glasser's Choice Theory, an explanation of human behavior.
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Self-Development
with Choice Theory
4 1/2 days - Monday - Thursday 9:00 a.m. - 4:00 p.m.
Friday 9:00 a.m. - 12:00 p.m.
The Basic Intensive Week in Choice Theory and Reality Therapy is a 4 day or 4½-day workshop where you will be exposed to some highly innovative ideas of Dr. William Glasser. You will learn the new psychology of personal freedom called Choice Theory. There is application in this workshop for teachers, school administrators, counselors, therapists, social workers, business managers, clergy, nurses, parents, and anyone interested in improving the quality of their life. You will learn how to empower yourself by distinguishing between those things you can control and those you can’t and focus your energy on those you can. There is practical advice about how to improve the important relationships in your life and how to become the person you want to be. This workshop helps you become more effective in counseling and teaching others, particularly those who may not even know they need your help—non-voluntary clients and less than enthusiastic students. The group size is kept small enough that you will receive individual attention and have plenty of time to have your questions answered.
April 7 - 11, 2008 - The Villages, FL
April 21 - 25, 2008 - Milton, PA
April 28 - May 2, 2008 - Chicago, IL -
Prairie State College—Matteson Center
May 5 - 9, 2008 — Virginia Beach, VA
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