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Inside Out Personal Edition “You can't change the direction of the wind. . . but you can adjust your sails!” ---Jimmy Dean Kim Olver, MS, NCC, LPC www.TheRelationshipCenter.biz Kim@TheRelationshipCenter.biz
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| This Month's Feature FREE Teleconference Relationships, The Choice Theory Way
I know people who have gone from one relationship to another, rehearsing their script, perfecting their script, and having the same disastrous results with their relationships. Why don’t more people seek help to learn a new script when theirs is so obviously not working? Most people in failed relationships neglect to look at the role they played in the failure. They are much more comfortable pointing a finger at their partner and squarely placing the blame on his or her shoulders. In all the time I have worked with couples, I have never seen a relationship fail simply because of one person’s shortcomings. Both people contribute to the break up of a relationship. To me, it only makes sense to look at our own contribution to the mix. Why? Well, I learned Choice Theory almost 20 years ago and it became my new script for how I live my life. Choice Theory helps people to look at the things in their life over which they have control. In relationships, who do you think you can control? Click Here for a full description and to register |
A Message from Kim Well, it’s February. You know what that means. If you haven’t been already, you will be inundated with messages about what to do with and buy for the one you love on Valentine’s Day. There are some couples who live it up on Valentine's Day. There are others who shun the holiday. There are others who use that day as their one day of the year to be somewhat nice to each other. Some couples have relationships where the holiday is important to one and not the other, leaving the one feeling empty and lonely on that special occasion. And then there are those of you who don’t have relationships, who are subjected to feelings of inadequacies because they don’t have anyone to love. Where do you fit in? Having a denoted occasion to remember your loved one is nice because you can pay him or her special tribute on that day but then ask yourself, why don’t you treat your partner like every day is Valentine’s Day? I believe that one characteristic proves itself more valuable in relationships than sex or romance and that’s appreciation. When you appreciate your mate, it makes all the challenges and difficulties fade into the background. At The Relationship Center this month, I will be focused on couple relationships. Our blog will focus on it, this newsletter will speak about it and we will be having special product promotions about couple relationships. If you are a part of a couple, you can benefit from our Ultimate Couple Connection, Relationships from the Inside Out and Relationship Empowerment products featured at http://www.therelationshipcenter.biz/Couples.php. Check it out. One of the things I like to let couples know is that you don’t necessarily have to have your partner’s cooperation to improve your relationship. Relationships are a system and as such, changing one part of the system will inevitably lead to some type of change in the rest of the system. Relationship Empowerment teaches that if you are not satisfied with your relationship, then it is your responsibility for its solution. If your partner is willing to help, that is wonderful but not necessary. Why not come hear about it at our free teleconference on February 13th from 8:45-9:45 PM ET? You can register at http://www.therelationshipcenter.biz/FreeTeleclass.htm. I look forward to talking with you then. Whatever your situation, I hope you enjoy your Valentine’s Day, every day and most especially the one you love now or in the future. Make
today the day you want it to be!
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In this Issue Quote of the Month: Book Review
Relationship Q&A About Kim Olver Click on the link below for a description of this amazing
F - R - E - E teleconference. Offered the second Tuesday of every month. Next Class February 13, 2007 9:00 - 10:00 p.m. EST
FREE Teleconference-Anger Management Do you have trouble controlling your temper? Do others tell you that you have anger management issues? Are you someone who is confronted with angry people in the course of your life? Spouses, children, extended family members, neighbors, community members who have tempers and like to yell at you? Want to learn ways to take the wind out their sails and have them communicating more cooperatively? Then this class is for you! FREE Teleconference Do you find that your happiness is often contingent on people, circumstances or things that you have no control over? Do you feel like life is just passing you by while you wait for.... Inside Out Thinking is such a powerful way to unleash your personal power in a big way. Take control of your life. FREE Teleconference-Relationships from the Learn the skills you need to create the relationship you deserve. Learn about the seven deadly relationship habits and how to replace them with loving and caring habits. Start improving that relationship you have with your significant other by registering for this amazing class today. FREE Teleconference -Goal For those of you who are having less than stellar performance with accomplishing your goals on your own, you have another opportunity to get the support and accountability you need to be successful. Are you serious about attaining your goals next year? Do you want to do more than make a New Year's Resolution that you forget by the time the Super Bowl is on television? Join me on the free teleconference to learn my time-tested 7-Step process for Goal Attainment. We will do more than set goals--we will discuss a system to implement that will expoentially increase your opportunity for success. Also, my Goal Attainment System is multi-faceted. You won't just be focusing your attention on your career goals unless you want to. My system has you take a look at all areas of your life so you can accomplish an optimal work/life balance for you. There is nothing to lose but an hour of your time and so much to gain. Let's make this year your best year yet! FREE Teleconference-Empowerment Parenting You cannot continue to parent your children the way you did when they were younger children, or even the way your parents parented you. The world is different! Children are different! If you do not learn new innovations in parenting, your efforts will likely be ineffective at best, and actually destructive at their worst. Join us for this teleconference and learn about the inherent conflict between parents and their children, as well as ways to circumvent it. You can reasonably insure your child’s safety and still maintain a positive relationship. ************************ Foster Parenting Teleconference Series Six (6) Week teleseries. Click on link for more information or to purchase. Foster Parent Agencies - Please click here to order this teleseries
****************** For more information contact Kim at (708) 957-6047 or email at Kim@Therelationshipcenter.biz Relationship Empowerment Self-Development Empowerment Parenting Cultural Awareness ****************** Kim will be available in her chat room for questions and dialog on the following dates and times: All Chats are from
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Trust in Relationships In my work with couples, I often find a lack of trust at the root of many challenges they report. Trust is a Verb We have been taught to believe trust is a commodity to be earned by others. Once they have passed certain tests, then we feel safe to extend our trust. I would like to entertain the idea that trust can be a verb, rather than a noun. It’s a choice you make and says much more about you than it does the person to whom you are extending that trust. When you are involved in a relationship and you say you trust that person, it is more than a noun. It's not just a thing you extend to a person like a gift—it is followed up with behaviors—things you do and things you don't do. Trusting has so much more to do with who you are as a person than it does with who your partner is. When you are secure in yourself and know that you are worthy to receive love, then it is natural to trust. The Law of Attraction The Law of Attraction is a simple law of quantum physics which demonstrates over and over again that you will attract into your life that upon which you focus. If you look at life and see positive, happy things then you will attract more of that positive energy into your life. When you look at life and see negative, unhappy things everywhere, then guess what? You are going to attract more ugliness into your life. If you always find yourself in relationships where you have been disappointed and lied to, ask yourself what is it about you that brings dishonorable people into your life? I'm not in any way blaming you for your misfortune, but I know people attract what they think about. So ask yourself, what are your thoughts that actually pull dishonest people into your life? If you want more trust in your life, you have to be more trusting and more worthy of trust. You can’t get from others what you don’t possess in yourself. If you are looking inside out, then you must ask yourself, “Am I a trustworthy person? Does my partner realize that I have integrity and can be trusted? Do I extend trust to him or her?” Of course, there will inevitably be someone you trusted who didn't deserve it, but don't allow that to shake the foundation of your self-confidence. It is right to trust the person with whom you are involved. If he or she is undeserving of your trust, in time this will be revealed to you and then you can move on and forgive—whether or not you choose to stay with the person. But if your choice is to forgive and stay, then put trust into an action verb once more. Beyond Lost Trust I was recently talking to one of my clients about her readiness to begin a new relationship. This woman, Susan, had been divorced for about five years and believed she was ready for a new dating relationship in her life but nothing was happening for her. I have two questions. Do you want to be in a relationship with someone whom you can't trust? And do you want to be in a relationship where you are behaving as a jealous, crazy person? Trust is Multi-Level The trust one needs in a relationship is multi-level. At the base level, there is a trust in your partner. Of course, at this level, you could be right or you could be wrong. Your partner may deserve your trust or he or she may not. Your partner may be totally and completely untrustworthy. You have no control over that at all. If a person is unworthy of your trust, that in no way diminishes you. It is all about their character. You can’t let it shake your self-confidence. Copyright © January 2007. Kim Olver. All rights reserved
NOTICE: This article is free and can be copied and reproduced as long as the copyright and bio is included at the bottom of the article
“Our distrust is very expensive.” —Ralph Waldo Emerson Mr. Emerson is referring to everything a person loses when he or she does not trust. The great heights that can be experienced in an intimate relationship based on trust are literally beyond description. Might you get hurt along the way? Absolutely but the search for a trusting relationship is worth the disappointment. If you can think about trust the way anyone who has accomplished great things thinks about failure, you will be in an advantageous position. Those who have done great things think of failure merely as uncovering one more thing that doesn’t work. Thomas Edison said, “I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.” If in your search for that one compatible trustworthy person with whom you will spend your life, you frame your disappointments as simply finding one more person who can’t be trusted and then move on in your quest, you will be on your way to a supremely satisfying relationship while losing nothing in the process. ******************************
The Love Compatibility Book: The 12 Personality Traits that can Lead You to Your Soulmate In keeping with our “February is the Month of Love” theme, I am reviewing a book entitled, The Love Compatibility Book: The 12 Personality Traits that can Lead You to Your Soulmate by Edward Hoffman and Marcella Bakur Weiner. It was quite a quick read, actually, with some interesting points made. The authors interviewed and worked with many couples and concluded that there are twelve personality traits that couples need to assess in themselves and each other in order to determine long-term compatibility. They explain each trait in detail, provide a set of questions that yields a score in each area. Then for each trait they discuss what your relationship would look like if you and your partner were both high in that trait; both low; if you were high and your partner were low; and finally, if you were low and your partner were high. Near the end of the book, the authors explain that it isn’t likely you will ever find one person with whom you are completely compatible so they provide a system for determining when to know if it is going to be “good enough” to last. They argue that many of these traits are actually genetically determined and will not likely change. They advocate ending your relationship if you are in a vastly incompatible one because it will not get better, according to the authors. If you are interested in taking a look at your capability with your mate, you can order this book here. Click here to order this book ****************************** Most relationships I encounter have individuals with different needs regarding the level of privacy they desire. Sometimes one person in the couple is an open book and tells his or her partner everything about their day, who they spoke with, what was said, etc. Then the other person in the couple, likes to keep certain things private and doesn’t share all the intimate details of his or her day. This can place a real strain on a relationship. The person with no need for privacy interprets her partner’s high degree of privacy as secrecy. Over time, she may begin to convince herself that he must have something to hide. Then, it begins ...THE SEARCH. What search you ask? The search to find evidence of infidelity. He or she may begin to check phone calls, try to access email, look through appointment calendars, check credit card receipts, follow his or her loved one around or try to catch them not in places where he or she was supposed to be. In case you are wondering, this is NOT a healthy relationship. If the two of you are committed to each other, it may help to achieve a compromise by discussing your different needs for privacy and what that means. The one who is concerned about infidelity, needs to relax and give his or her partner more trust and space; while the one desiring a high degree of privacy needs to compromise by sharing more with his or her partner. It can be done. The most important thing is that you can be the person you want to be in your relationship. If not, you may want to re-evaluate your relationship status or seek help from a professional.
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