True Happiness

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April 1, 2005 Volume I, Issue I
Published bi-monthly

Inside Out
Personal Edition
You can't change the direction of the wind.......
but you can adjust your sails!
--Jimmy Dean

Kim Olver, MS, NCC, LPC

www.TheRelationshipCenter.biz
Kim@TheRelationshipCenter.biz

True Happiness
Kim Olver

You have received this E-Zine because you are on my personal mailing list. I would love it if
you would visit my website at www.TheRelationshipCenter.biz and opt-in to receive Inside Out, my bi-monthly newsletter. If you do not want to receive Inside Out, do nothing and you will receive no further issues.

In this Issue

Featured Article -
True Happiness

Upcoming Events
Teleclasses
Chat Room

Quote of the Week:
"He is a man of sense who does not grieve for what he has not, but rejoices in what he has." --Epictetus

Book Review:
The Four Agreements

Relationship Q&A

About Kim Olver
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Upcoming Events
Click on link to order teleclass or visit
www.TheRelationshipCenter.biz
ALL TIMES IN EST

Teleclasses

4/19/05 8:00 pm
Peaceful Parenting
Parents of teenagers having conflict and drama with your teens, this 60-minute teleseminar is for you! Raising teens doesn’t have to feel like the middle of a war zone! It is possible to maintain a positive relationship with your teen and still have some reasonable reassurance of his/her safety. I know because I raised my two teenaged sons alone after the death of my husband. It was Dr. Nancy Buck and Peaceful Parenting® that got me through. When you sign up for this teleclass, you will learn ways to maintain or develop a positive relationship with your teen, while keeping them safe and helping them to develop the decision making skills necessary to become self-sufficient adults. Don’t miss this potentially life changing interview with Dr. Nancy Buck, author of Peaceful Parenting®.

4/19/05 9:30 pm
Deadly Relationship Habits
Are you in a relationship that isn’t as satisfying as it used to be? Have you tried traditional counseling without success? Are you in a good relationship and always seeking ways to make it better? Then this teleclass is for you. You will learn behaviors that strengthen relationships and a method for negotiating differences that will leave you both feeling like winners. Don’t miss this exciting opportunity to transform your relationship into one you truly value.

4/20/05 9:00 pm
Rejoin the Living
Ever been in a relationship that ended when it wasn’t your choice? Are you feeling devastated because you find yourself alone again? Do you want to rejoin the living? Then this class is for you! There is a definite process to grieving the loss of an important relationship and if you are not yet ready to take action and move on, then that’s OK. But if you are, join this teleclass where you will learn how to stop crying because it’s over and to start smiling because it happened.

4/21/05 9 pm
Living from the Inside Out
Are you interested in personal growth? Would you like to increase your personal power and ability to make your life the way you want it to be? Learn how to focus your energy where it will truly make a difference to your happiness and life satisfaction. Learn how to determine what behaviors are working for you and which ones may need to be modified. Don’t delay! We can only take the first 100 to register.

Chat Room

Kim will be available in her chat room for questions and dialog
on the following dates and times:

4/12/05 9 - 10 pm

4/19/05 2 - 3 pm

4/26/05 9 - 10 pm
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Relationship Q&A

Q: Renee asks: How do we know when to walk from a relationship that is no longer healthy for either person before it becomes dysfunctional or we feel trapped and unable to leave

A: This is a good question with no single, specific answer. It is my hope that as people learn to relinquish the use of external control in their relationships with others and begin to employ the caring relationship habits, as we will discuss in our next eZine, then relationships need not get to the point where they are unhealthy for those involved. However, I realize that not all people will learn or employ this proven relationship success strategy. So, if you are in an unhealthy relationship and have put in the necessary work and energy to make it better, then separating, at least temporarily, seems an appropriate decision

People often stay in unhealthy, dysfunctional relationships for a variety of reasons. They keep hoping their partner will change, and that partner shows glimpses of the person you want them to be. Also, people stay because of the children, because of financial concerns, for religious reasons and sometimes out of fear of retaliation for leaving. The first thing I want to caution about is judging another person’s relationship. What looks dysfunctional and unhealthy from the outside, may be a relationship that is working for the people in it. One person can never know what is best for another unless they have lived that person’s life. We must honor other people’s choices and understand that they are making a choice you wouldn’t make but it is their right to make it.

However, if you, yourself, find yourself waking up and realizing that you have stayed in a dysfunctional relationship way too long, recognizes that it’s never too late as long as you have breath in your body is the first step. We always have choices---we can attempt to change the situation, we can leave it, or we can accept it. It is never too late to exercise any of our choices. Make sure you get the support you need to begin the next phase of your life, whatever that choice may be.

Kim Olver is a licensed professional counselor, certified in Reality Therapy. This column is for readers to submit their relationship questions for Kim to answer. It could be a question about a couple relationship, a parenting relationship, a grief and loss relationship, a co-worker or friend relationship or even a question about our relationship with ourselves. No relationship question is off limits! To ask your question, simply send it by email to kim@TheRelationshipCenter.biz and look for her response in future issues.

Most people look outside of themselves as the cause of their unhappiness or frustration. After all, wouldn’t life be practically perfect if the significant people in our lives would simply do things the way we want them to or do what we think is best for them? Actually, this is the kind of thinking that perpetuates the misery!

I agree that most of today’s unhappiness centers on important people in our lives not cooperating with us. Can anyone relate to that? Have you ever had a child who makes a decision that puts them in serious danger? Have you ever had a significant other decide to relocate or make an employment decision with which you were not in agreement? Did one of your parents ever say something critical to you that rocked your confidence? Ever had a supervisor who micromanaged your work and never gave credit for your good work performance? I think you get the idea. Any one or combination of these things can be a source of unhappiness for us and I’m sure you can add several others to the list.

While we are in situations such as these, it sure feels like if the others in our life would just cooperate and be the way we want them to be, and then our lives would be so much better, happier and more fulfilling. While this may, in fact, be true, what I also believe is this. While we are busy trying to get those significant others in our lives to do things our way, the behaviors we typically engage in to move others in our desired direction are exactly those behaviors that damage, and ultimately destroy, our relationships

You know the behaviors I’m talking about: punishing, guilting, complaining, nagging, threatening, criticizing, “the silent treatment”, and if we are particularly savvy, rewarding to control, otherwise known as bribing

If you are one of those people whose first choice of action is to negotiate and open the doors of communication, then you are rare. Ask yourself what do you typically resort to when negotiations fail?

I know one of my more polished behaviors is nagging. I am a world class nag---just ask my children. You know the drill. “How about cleaning up your room today?” Thirty minutes later, after the child is still in front of his video game, “Are you going to get to that room today?” Maybe two hours later, several decibels louder, “What about that ROOM?” Then, as a last frustration, it’s “Will you get off your lazy a*# and clean your blankety blank blank room!!!!” Ever been there? Did it work to get the room cleaned? In my case, it usually didn’t. However, I’ve have had some parents tell me that repeated nagging does work but then my next question usually has a different answer---At what cost? What was the cost of getting that room cleaned? First, there was the cost of you losing control and being a person you probably don’t want to be and secondly, there was a definite cost to the relationship between you and your child. Do you believe that after an exchange such as that one, the two of you will be ready and willing to have a meaningful discussion about life or anything else about which you may like to talk? Probably not.

What I am about to say probably goes against what you have believed the good majority of your life and that is that you, and you alone, are responsible for your own happiness. If you are waiting for someone to do something differently or for a particular thing to manifest itself in your life in order for you to be happy, then you are operating from the outside in instead of the inside out.

I am not here to tell you to stop what you are currently doing. If you want to hold on to your beliefs that when your husband becomes more affectionate, your children more obedient, your wife more supportive, your boss more appreciative or you to get your education, pay off your credit cards, buy your first home, etc. in order for you to be happy, then go ahead. But for those of us who want to practice inside out thinking, we don’t like to give the power to others to control our happiness or any of our other moods or emotions. We know that we are responsible for ourselves and no one else.

What I can help you with is learning how to be the person you want to be, feel the emotions you want to feel by changing what you do and how you think about things. There is a quote I want to leave you with from Jimmy Dean. “You can’t change the direction of the wind, but you can adjust your sails.” This is representative of true inside out thinking. People and events are going to be what they are around us. There is very little we can do to impact other people’s behavior and the uncontrollable events in our lives but there is always something each of us can do to manage those things better.

If you would like to discuss this further, then click here to sign up for the teleclass “Living from the Inside Out” scheduled for April 21, 2005 at 9:00 p.m.. Until then, begin to recognize situations in your life where you give your power away to others for the way that you feel. Awareness is the first step.

Click here or on icon to read some of Kim's other articles

QUOTE OF THE WEEK:

"He is a man of sense who does not grieve for what he has not,
but rejoices in what he has." --Epictetus

This is a quote that speaks to the Law of Gratitude. Did you ever notice that
there are basically two types of people in this world---we have the optimists
and the pessimists. Some see the glass half full, while the rest see it half empty.
The Law of Gratitude tells us that good things keep coming to those who are grateful for what they have. This is not to say we can’t strive for more, to make our lives better but “more” never seems to come to those who believe they are already lacking. When was the last time you surveyed your life and gave thanks
for what is already there and available to you? Maybe you could begin today.

BOOK REVIEW:

The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz

The subtitles of this book are “A practical Guide to Personal Freedom” and “A Toltec Wisdom Book” and I believe that Mr. Ruiz makes a case for both in The Four Agreements. This is a short book (only 138 pages) but it is packed with practical, yet challenging, advice on how to live a more fulfilling life. The four agreements about which he writes are:

Be impeccable with your word. Mr. Ruiz says your word is the power you have to either create or destroy. Recognizing this, we must understand the power of what comes out of our mouths. When we are impeccable, we take responsibility for our actions, but we do not judge or blame ourselves. Mr. Ruiz says that speaking the truth is the most important part of being impeccable with our word. We must stop gossiping. By becoming impeccable with our word, any negativity will eventually leave our mind, as well as our communication with those important people in our lives. Our self-esteem is directly proportional to the quality and integrity of our word. Impeccability of the word can lead to personal freedom and to huge success and abundance; it can take away all fear and transform it into joy and love. It’s up to you to make this agreement with yourself.

Don’t take anything personally. Personal importance, or taking things personally, is the maximum expression of selfishness according to Ruiz, because we make the assumption that everything is about “me”. Nothing other people do is because of you; it is because of them. Even when a situation seems so personal, even if others insult you directly, it has nothing to do with you. Their point of view comes from all the programming they received. If you take it personally, then you take their poison and it becomes yours. When you take things personally, then you feel offended, and your reaction is to defend your beliefs and create conflicts. You have to trust yourself and choose to accept or reject what someone says to you. When we really see people as they are without taking it personally, we can never be hurt by what they say and do. When you make it a strong habit not to take anything personally, you avoid many upsets in your life. There is a huge amount of freedom that comes from taking nothing personally.

Don’t make assumptions. The problem with making assumptions is that we believe they are the truth and we end up creating a whole big drama for nothing. It is always better to ask questions than to make assumptions because assumptions set us up for suffering. Making assumptions in our relationships is really asking for problems. Often we make the assumption that our partners know what we think and that we don’t have to say what we want. We assume they are going to do what we want, because they know us so well. If they don’t do what we assume they should do, we feel so hurt and say, “You should have known.” Making assumptions in relationships leads to a lot of fights, a lot of difficulties, and a lot of misunderstandings with people we supposedly love. We make the mistaken assumption that everyone sees life the way we do. If you don’t understand, ask. Have the courage to ask questions until you are as clear as you can be, and even then do not assume you know all there is to know about a given situation. Also, find your voice to ask for what you want. Everybody has the right to tell you no or yes, but you always have the right to ask. If you don’t understand something, it is better for you to ask and be clear, instead of making assumptions. Without making assumptions your word becomes impeccable.

Always do your best. Under any circumstance, always do your best, no more and no less. But keep in mind that your best is never going to be the same from one moment to the next. If you try too hard to do more than your best, you will spend more energy than is needed and in the end your best will not be enough. But if you do less than your best, you subject yourself to frustration, self-judgment, guilt and regret. When you always do your best, you take action because you love it, not because you’re expecting a reward. When you do your best, you learn to accept yourself. But you have to be aware and learn from your mistakes. This increases your awareness. If you do your best in the search for personal freedom, in the search for self-love, you will discover that it’s just a matter of time before you find what you are looking for.

Mr. Ruiz has shared four simple Toltec principles that if implemented in our lives, could potentially change everything. This book has the potential to positively impact how you relate to yourself and others. I would recommend it.

ABOUT KIM OLVER:

Kim Olver has an undergraduate degree in psychology, a graduate degree in counseling, is a National Certified Counselor and is a licensed professional counselor. Since 1987, Kim has extensively studied the work of Dr. William Glasser’s Choice Theory, Reality Therapy and Lead Management. She was certified in Reality Therapy in 1992 and continued her studies to become a certified instructor for the William Glasser Institute. She is an expert at empowering people to navigate the sometimes difficult course of life---teaching them how to get the most out of the circumstances life provides them. These are incredibly powerful ideas with equal application to one’s work and personal lives. Kim can work with you to empower your staff and clients and propel your organization to the next level.