In this Issue
Feature Article
Let’s Talk about Sex
by Kim Olver
Teleconferences
Workshops
Spontaneous and honest love admits errors, hesitations, and human failings; it can be tested and repaired."–Nancy Friday
Book Review
The Secret
by Rhonda Byrne
************************
Upcoming
Events
Click on title of class for more information and to register or visit
www.TheRelationshipCenter.biz
ALL TIMES IN EST
Teleconferences
All teleconferences are one (1) hour in length unless otherwise stated and all you need is a telephone. When you register we will send you a phone number that you will call five minutes prior to the start of your teleconference. You will have the opportunity to ask questions, but if you prefer to just listen that’s all right too. You do not need a computer or Internet, only a telephone. Don’t delay. There are a limited number of slots available.
************************
The following teleconferences
are FREE (except the parenting teleconference series)
Click on the link for a full description and to register
Relationships
the Choice Theory Way
On-going teleconference, offered the second Tuesday of every month. Anyone can join in to learn about creating more effective relationships or to get relationship question answered.
Next Class:
August 14 , 2007
8:45 - 9:45 p.m. EST
Inside Out Thinking
July 24, 2007
8:45 - 9:45 p.m.
Do you find that your happiness is often contingent on people, circumstances or things that you have no control over? Do you feel like life is just passing you by while you wait for.... Inside Out Thinking is such a powerful way to unleash your personal power in a big way. Take control of your life.
Relationships from the
Inside Out
July 31 , 2007
8:45 - 9:45 p.m.
Learn the skills you need to create the relationship you deserve. Learn about the seven deadly relationship habits and how to replace them with loving and caring habits. Start improving the relationship you have with your significant other by registering for this amazing class today.
Anger Management
October 2, 2007
8:45 - 9:45 p.m.
Do you have trouble controlling your temper? Do others tell you that you have anger management issues? Are you someone who is confronted with angry people in the course of your life? Spouses, children, extended family members, neighbors, community members who have tempers and like to yell at you? Want to learn ways to take the wind out their sails and have them communicating more cooperatively? Then this class is for you!
Choice Theory & Reality Therapy
October 16, 2007
8:45 - 9:45 p.m.
Choice Theory/Reality Therapy® can help you in every aspect of your life—it becomes the new way you view the world. When you apply these concepts, you will become a better person, a better mother or father, a better life partner, a better employee or supervisor and overall you will have more peace in your life. Your relationships with other people will become more satisfying and you will move closer to those you care about.
Empowerment Parenting
September 18, 2007
8:45 - 9:45 p.m.
You cannot continue to parent your children the way you did when they were younger children, or even the way your parents parented you. The world is different! Children are different! If you do not learn new innovations in parenting, your efforts will likely be ineffective at best, and actually destructive at their worst. Join us for this teleconference and learn about the inherent conflict between parents and their children, as well as ways to circumvent it. You can reasonably insure your child’s safety and still maintain a positive relationship.
Empowerment Parenting: You cannot continue to parent your older children the way you did when they were Attend this teleconference series and learn about the inherent conflict between parents and their children, as well as ways to circumvent it. You can reasonably insure your child’s safety and still maintain a positive relationship. Click Here for a full description and to register |
Foster Parenting Teleconference Series
Six (6) Week
Teleconference Series
October 1 -November 5, 2007
Six (6) Week teleseries. Click on link for more information or to purchase. Foster Parent Agencies - Please click here to order this teleseries
************************
Chats
All times listed in EST
************************
Kim will be available in her chat room for questions and dialog on the following dates and times:All Chats are from
7:30 - 8:30 p.m. EST
July 10, 2007
July 17, 2007
July 24, 2007
July 31, 2007
August 7, 2007
August 28, 2007
Inside Out
Personal Edition
“You can't change the direction of the wind. . .
but you can adjust your sails!”
---Jimmy Dean
Kim Olver, MS, NCC, LPC
www.TheRelationshipCenter.biz
Kim@TheRelationshipCenter.biz
July 11, 2007, Volume 3, Issue 7
This Month's Feature Teleconference
Inside Out Thinking
July 24, 2007 -- 8:45 - 9:45 p.m.
Do you find that your happiness is often contingent on people, circumstances or things that you have no control over? Do you feel like life is just passing you by while you wait for.... Inside Out Thinking is such a powerful way to unleash your personal power in a big way. Take control of your life. Register today.
Each teleconference will be recorded and you will receive the link to the call within 24 hours of the date of the teleconference.
A Message from Kim
Hi Everyone,
I hope those of you in the Northern hemisphere are having a wonderful summer season and that those of you in the southern half of the globe are enjoying your winter season.
This issue is about relationships--particularly intimate ones and the specific topic of sex. This is an area that has been known to create a lot of stress in committed relationships and one I think is important to take a closer look at.
Certainly, I know of successful relationships where the couple has stopped or greatly reduced their sexual experiences but for the most part, a couple who has a satisfying sexual relationship can often overcome other obstacles.
Read the article and let me know if there is anything in it that rings true in your relationship and whether or not you are willing to take the steps necessary to correct it.
Make today the day you want it to be!
Unleash the power within you.
Kim Olver
Feature Article
Let’s Talk about Sex
by Kim Olver
Many relationships have developed stress in the area of intimacy. This tends to be the kind of stress that sneaks up and builds over time. There is usually no one event that leads to this stress but a series of disappointments that accumulate over time. Sometimes there is a discovery of an affair but typically this type of situation occurs when one or both partners realize over time they are not getting the type of intimacy they want in their relationship.
Again, I look to some typical male/female differences although recently, I have seen more women with the profile of the typical male and vice versa. I believe that what frequently happens in the precommitment stage is the female is very receptive to the male in the relationship. She has the idea that he could be the raw material needed to create the perfect mate she has been dreaming of. In her attempts to mold him into that being, she will provide whatever sexual desires he has. Her partner feels very satisfied and will commit to her hoping she will forever maintain this sexual receptivity. In return, he feels very loving toward his partner and will provide her with the emotional intimacy and romance she craves.
Once the couple is committed, usually married, something happens. The male does not transform into the “perfect mate” the woman envisioned he would. She believed that once they were married he would change. Marriage is generally not a change agent in and of itself. People change when the pain of staying the same exceeds the fear and effort of changing.
The typical pattern is that as the woman realizes her man is not buying in to the prescribed program for change, she becomes disillusioned, feels cheated and becomes angry. She realizes all the sexual effort she had previously put forth did not reap the benefits she hoped and she begins to withdraw her sexual attention. This is usually a gradual process. By the time the male notices, he begins to feel unappreciated and isolated. He doesn’t understand why his woman doesn’t seem to want him the way she did before. If the female also engages in some deadly habits such as criticizing, complaining and blaming, he will withdraw the romance and intimacy he once provided, further adding to his woman’s reduced sexual desire.
This becomes a negative, downward spiral that without attention can eat away at the fabric of your relationship. When one person feels disillusioned enough, an affair can ensue. The female typically says she engages in affairs because she felt unloved and unwanted by her man. The male will say he engages in affairs because he felt unappreciated and unwanted by his woman. The problem is that neither is providing to his or her partner what he or she needs to maintain satisfaction with the relationship.
I believe that looking for fault or where this cycle began is fruitless. It doesn’t matter where it started. It doesn’t matter who started it. If you need to assign blame, I say look at Walt Disney. All of the Prince Charming, Beauty and the Beast and Cinderella movies have socialized females to believe that the love of a good woman will transform any man.
If you are unhappy with your level of sexual intimacy, then it is something you can address. You don’t have to wait for your partner’s cooperation. You can take the preliminary steps necessary to begin the upward spiral of repair to your relationship.
It helps to know and understand your partner’s needs with regard to sex. It is typical, but not always true, that the woman is seeking romance while the man is looking for variety in the sexual act. Take time to talk to your partner about what they actually want in the area of intimacy. Remember, females are not trained to just come out and say what they want so it may take some time to truly uncover her true desires in this area. Most of what she will want may have more to do with creating the mood and the events leading up to intercourse. She wants to feel loved and cherished. She wants to feel you appreciate her and are taking care of her feelings and her needs. Make her feel special and her sexual receptivity will likely increase.
Women, when you speak to your men about what they want in your sexual relationship, take your man at his word. Men will typically come right out and say what they want. You don’t have to read between the lines or interpret what they are actually saying. Men, in general, are more direct communicators than women.
When you have this conversation, it will be helpful to discuss things like what each of you wants to be different in your sexual relationship. It will be equally helpful to discuss what has been working, even if you have to mine the past for these things. You can start off by saying, “I really liked it when you used to . . .” If there is anything from your current situation that works for you, definitely include it in the conversation.
Once each of you have an idea of what the other person wants, then each of you can decide what you are willing to do to give the other person what he or she wants.
One strong word of caution here: Please do not engage in changes with the idea that if you change your behavior, then your partner had better start giving you more of what you want, or else! This is not a "giving to get" situation. You are taking steps to improve your relationship regardless of what your partner chooses. Your behavior should not be contingent upon someone else. You are choosing a new behavior because you believe it is the right thing to do to strengthen the important relationship in your life. Let me know how things work out.
About Kim OlverKim Olver has a graduate degree in counseling, is a National Certified Counselor and a licensed professional counselor in two states. She has worked in the helping profession since 1982 and has spent her entire life helping people get along better with the important people in their lives. Kim works with couples, parents and children, and individuals seeking to improve their lives. Check out our Relationship Products. |
Click here to read some of Kim's articles
Quote of the Month
"Spontaneous and honest love admits errors, hesitations, and human failings; it can be tested and repaired."
–Nancy Friday
When your relationship is based on honest love, you can overcome anything.
If your relationship isn't what you want it to be then you alone can change it. Think about the kind of relationship you want to have and engage in the behaviors that will support that relationship. If, after these attempts, you discover your partner cannot be the person you want in your relationship, then you have a decision to make. You can leave the relationship, continue trying to change it or graciously, without resentment, accept it as it is.
Book Review
The Secret
by Rhonda Byrne
This book was the subject of our recent book club meeting. It has been all the rage. Oprah even had the author on her show.
I must say, it is nothing new. Byrne is simply talking about the Universal Law of Attraction that many successful people have been speaking of for centuries. What she was able to do was package it in a way that appeals to the masses. The question is, will the average person believe it or think it's all hype?
I, personally, believe strongly in the Law of Attraction. I have seen it work in my life in both positive and negative ways. I understand the importance of affirmations. Byrne interviews several current gurus in the field, asking them about the Law of Attraction in their lives. It was very interesting and enlightening.
If you are already on board with the Law of Attraction, this book can still be helpful. It really covers many angles of how to attract things into your life. For example, if your goal is to lose weight, The Secret tells you to stop focusing on the weight and start focusing on becoming the ideal weight you want to be. When you focus on the weight you want to lose, you are actually attracting more weight into your life. The book has several important points about affirmations and attractions. Let me know how much you enjoy it.
Click here to order book
Tip of the Month
My tip for this month is the concept of gratefulness, which is in line with The Secret. When you are focused on what you are grateful for, then more positive things will come into your life.
When you focus on being grateful for what you have, then you put yourself in an attitude of appreciation. This will help you stay positive and focused on what is important.
Many times being grateful simply involves looking at things from a different angle. Even the things that appear, on first blush, to be negative, a benefit can be found within them. You simply have to program yourself to look. Let me know how you make out with this and if you need help, just ask.
Relationship Q & A
Question: Kim, is it possible to get over infidelity and learn to trust again, especially if you are trying to make your marriage work? Will it ever be possible and on average how long will it take?
Answer: It is definitely possible if you truly want it. I look at trust as a decision to make and then a behavior you carry out, rather than some illusive feeling that either comes or doesn't. It is difficult--I won't lie--but definitely possible if you are committed to doing it.
As for how long it takes. . .it's really up to you. The pain of protecting yourself needs to outweigh the fear of trusting again. Are you there?
Workshops
Click on the links for more information and to purchase
Self-Development
with Choice Theory
4 1/2 days - Monday - Thursday 9:00 a.m. - 4:00 p.m.
Friday 9:00 a.m. - 12:00 p.m.
July 30 - August 3, 2007 Chicago, IL
Prairie State College—Matteson Center
*
August 7 - 10, 2007
Mechanicsburg, PA
*
October 8 - 12, 2007
Chicago, IL
Prairie State College—Matteson Center
************************
October 10, 2007
Chicago, IL-- Prairie State College—Matteson Center
7:00 - 9:00 p.m. CT
$19.95 (Bring your partner or a guest for free)
This workshop helps parents to understand the psychology behind what is happening with their children at various stages. Parents will learn how to align themselves with their child’s resistance for increased cooperation and compliance. Parents will learn how to sacrifice what they want now—strict compliance, for what they REALLY want—a responsible, caring, child who is capable of making rational decisions. Empowerment Parenting teaches parents simple skills and strategies for helping their children successfully make it through the challenging phases of their lives.
************************
Relationship Empowerment
Two dates to choose from. Click on date for more information and to purchase
October 11, 2007
Chicago, IL-- Prairie State College—Matteson Center
7:00 - 9:00 p.m. CT
$19.95 (Bring your partner or a guest for free)
*
November 7, 2007
Chicago, IL-- Prairie State College—Matteson Center
7:00 - 9:00 p.m. CT
$19.95 (Bring your partner or a guest for free)
So often, couples get stuck in a rut where each individual is waiting for the other to change their ways. In this workshop, participants will learn to engage in the seven caring habits by following the Platinum Rule: Do unto others as they would have you do unto them. Gender differences in relationships will be explored. Participants will learn the three possible relationship choices. Participants will learn a negotiation strategy so both partners win. People will leave knowing that they have the power to change their relationships regardless of what their partners do.
Subscribe to receive Inside Out
Copyright © Coaching for Excellence, LLC. All rights reserved