In this Issue

Feature Article

Can Your Relationship Survive this Affair?
by Kim Olver

NEW
Mastermind Group
Inside Out Empowerment

Teleconferences

Workshops

Chat Room

Quote of the Month

"We cannot erase the past, but we can accept it as history. We can choose to
live today free from the failures of yesterday....

--Gary Chapman

Tip of the Month

Book Review
Five Wishes
by Gay Hendricks and Neale Donald Walsch

Relationship Q&A

Products & Services

About Kim Olver

Subscribe to Inside Out

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Upcoming
Events

Click on title of class for more information and to register or visit
www.TheRelationshipCenter.biz
ALL TIMES IN EST 

Teleconferences

All teleconferences are one (1) hour in length unless otherwise stated and all you need is a telephone. When you register we will send you a phone number that you will call five minutes prior to the start of your teleconference.  You will have the opportunity to ask questions, but if you prefer to just listen that’s all right too. You do not need a computer or Internet, only a telephone. Don’t delay. There are a limited number of slots available. 
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The following teleconferences
are FREE (except the parenting teleconference series)

Click on the link for a full description and to register

Inside Out Thinking
February 19, 2008
8:45 - 9:45 p.m. EST

Do you find that your happiness is often contingent on people, circumstances or things that you have no control over? Do you feel like life is just passing you by while you wait for.... Inside Out Thinking is such a powerful way to unleash your personal power in a big way. Take control of your life. Register today.

Anger Management
February 26, 2008
8:45 - 9:45 p.m. EST

Are you someone who is confronted with angry people in the course of your life? Spouses, children, extended family members, neighbors, community embers who have tempers and like to yell at you? Want to learn ways to take the wind out their sails and have them communicating more cooperatively? Then this class is for you!

Stress Management
March 18, 2008
8:45 - 9:45 p.m. EST

Feeling stressed? Holidays getting to you? Then you need this teleconference. Learn how to de-stress with Choice Theory. Choice Theory states that all behavior is purposeful. Believe it or not, stress is a choice and you can choose not to be stressed! Learn how in this free teleconference.

Relationships from the Inside Out
March 25, 2008
8:45 - 9:45 p.m. EST

Learn the skills you need to create the relationship you deserve. Learn about the seven deadly relationship habits and how to replace them with loving and caring habits. Start improving that relationship you have with your signifcant other by registering for this amazing class today.

Overcoming Depression
April 1, 2008
8:45 - 9:45 p.m. EST

Do you suffer from symptoms of depression? Do parts of your life seem out of control and unmanageable? Would you like to develop the strength to overcome these feeling without medication? This call will help. The most effective way to successfully change feelings you don't want to be experiencing is by taking control of what you can control.
In this dynamic, empowering call you will learn steps you can take to begin to have more happiness in your life again, regardless of what is happening around you.

Time Management
April 18, 2008
8:45 - 9:45 p.m. EST

Ever wished you could have some extra time in your day? We all know that's not possible but it is possible to learn to maximize each moment so you can get everything out of your day you want. Join me on the teleconference where I will teach you some time-tested techniques to do just that!

Empowerment Parenting
April 22, 2008
8:45 - 9:45 p.m. EST

You cannot continue to parent your children the way you did when they were younger children, or even the way your parents parented you. The world is different! Children are different! If you do not learn new innovations in parenting, your efforts will likely be ineffective at best, and actually destructive at their worst. Join us for this teleconference and learn about the inherent conflict between parents and their children, as well as ways to circumvent it. You can reasonably insure your child’s safety and still maintain a positive relationship.

Goal Setting & Attainment
April 29, 2008 -- Offered at two times for your convenience:
3:00 - 4:00 p.m. EST
8:45 - 9:45 p.m. EST

Are you serious about attaining your goals next year? Do you want to do more than make a New Year's Resolution that you forget by the time the Super Bowl is on television? Join me on the free teleconference to learn my time-tested 7-Step process for Goal Attainment. We will do more than set goals --we will discuss a system to implement that will expoentially increase your opportuniy for success. Also, my Goal Attainment System is multi-faceted. You won't just be focusing your attention on your career goals unless you want to. My system has you take a look at all areas of your life so you can accomplish the optimal work/life balance for you. There is nothing to lose but an hour of your time and so much to gain. Let's make next the best year yet!

Choice Theory & Reality Therapy
May 20, 2008
8:45 - 9:45 p.m. EST

Choice Theory/Reality Therapy® can help you in every aspect of your life—it becomes the new way you view the world. When you apply these concepts, you will become a better person, a better mother or father, a better life partner, a better employee or supervisor and overall you will have more peace in your life. Your relationships with other people will become more satisfying and you will move closer to those you care about.

Foster Parenting Teleconference Series
Six (6) Week
Teleconference Series
March 3 - April 14, 2008

Six (6) Week teleseries. Click on link for more information or to purchase. Foster Parent Agencies - Please click here to order this teleseries

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Chats

All times listed in EST

Kim will be available in her chat room for questions and dialog on the following dates and times:

All Chats are from
7:30 - 8:30 p.m. EST

February 12, 2008
February 19, 2008
March 4, 2008
March 11, 2008

Inside Out

Personal Edition
“You can't change the direction  of the wind. . .
but you can adjust your sails!”

             ---Jimmy Dean

Kim Olver, MS, NCC, LPC

www.TheRelationshipCenter.biz
Kim@TheRelationshipCenter.biz

February 6, 2008 - Volume 4, Issue 2

This Month's Feature - NEW Mastermind Group

Inside Out Empowerment

February 12, 2008
8:45 - 9:45 p.m. EST

Ongoing Mastermind Group, offered the second Tuesday of every month. Anyone can join in to learn about the process of IOE, Inside Out Empowerment, and how you can open your heart, free your mind and transform your life. Click on links for more information and to register.

A Message from Kim

Hi Everyone,

I am happy to report my issues with reported "spam" have been resolved and everything is up and running properly again. I apologize for any inconvenience.

February is a month to focus on relationships. There is a lot of media hype surrounding Valentine's Day--take the one you love. . .buy the one you love. . .etc. Unfortunately, your relationship needs more than just focusing on it one day a year for it to be healthy, happy and successful. If you take the one you love for granted 364 days a year and only appreciate him or her on Valentine's Day, your relationship will probably be in trouble.

The truth is, if you want a happy, healthy, and successful relationship, you must nourish it the way you would a cherished garden. You need to weed it, water it, fertilize it, and gives thanks for it if you want it to bear fruit. You spend this kind of time on your career, don't you? You might spend this kind of time on your hobbies. Do you invest the time and energy necessary for your relationship in the same way?

This year, why don't you use Valentine's Day as the beginning of your quest to let your special someone know how important he or she is to you everyday. It doesn't take much. . .just your attention to its importance. A thank you, a kiss, a flower picked from the garden, a note in the briefcase or on the pillow of your bed, a word of encouragement, an offer to do something the other person is normally responsible for, an intimate touch, a few moments to be really present with your partner to let him or her know just how special they are to you. Don't put your relationship on autopilot. It won't function optimally on that setting.

Make today the day you want it to be! 
                Unleash the power within you.

Kim Olver

Feature Article

Can Your Relationship Survive this Affair?
by Kim Olver

I have received enough questions from people over the years asking about how to get past an affair that I wanted to write about it. There are so many intricate details of your personal relationship that factor into this decision that it is challenging to make generalizations but I will provide a list of five general steps to help you determine your best course of action in this moment.

So you’ve just learned your partner was having an affair. Whether you suspected all along and just received confirmation, or you were suddenly confronted with irrefutable evidence, you are likely hurt, disappointed, angry, and devastated. These emotions are flooding your brain with chemicals, making it difficult for you to think clearly.

Steps for Recovery:

1. Calm down so you can think clearly.

Research shows that when you are in a highly emotional state, you are unable to engage in higher order thinking. Your brain goes into reflexive mode, allowing you to either fight, flight or freeze. You need to gain control of these emotions by letting them go so you can be intentional about the decisions you need to make.

2. Get Clear about Your Options.

I always say there are three options when experiencing relationship problems—you can change it, accept it, or leave it.

1. If you want things to change, there are two ways to go about attempting this. You can attempt to change your partner into doing what you want him or her to do. Or, you can attempt to change the situation by changing yourself. You can decide to do something different, change your perceptions, or change your expectations.

2. If you decide to accept it, you need to recognize what happened, know your partner is not perfect, and then decide to move on. This option means you have given up the idea you are going to change the situation. So, again, two options exist: you accept the affair as a mistake and together decide to rebuild your relationship or you recognize your partner may always be unfaithful but you get enough other benefits from your relationship you decide you can accept infidelity.

3. If you want to leave, you can leave emotionally or physically. Emotional leaving involves staying involved on a day-to-day basis but having little to no emotional investment in the relationship. You have built a wall to protect yourself and you don’t let your partner in. The other option is to leave the relationship physically. This means you end the relationship and each go your own separate ways.

3. Once you make a decision about the direction you want to go, know that in most cases it does not have to be a permanent decision. You may choose to try changing your partner’s behavior and your own, and then later decide to leave the relationship. Or you may decide to leave the relationship emotionally, and later invest in changing your own perceptions and behavior. There are any number of possibilities.

4. After you make your decision, stay true to your desires. Don’t allow other people to sway your thinking. Remember, they are not you. They have not lived your life. They may not have the same value system you have. They can only know what’s best for them, not you. Only you can truly know whats right for you so once you get clear, stay true to your inner knowing.

5. It is always helpful to get the unbiased support you need to intentionally, consciously implement your chosen option. You may have many people who will be willing to support you in their way but their way may not be the unbiased support you need. Find someone who will support you in following through on what you want, who doesn’t already have preconceived ideas about what might be best for you. A good life coach or counselor can help you move through these steps.

Remember, if you find yourself in the situation of feeling betrayed by your life partner, you are not at the mercy of his or her actions, or your emotions. You can make conscious, intentional decisions to move yourself in the direction you most want to go.

If you would like further help in overcoming your anger and starting over check out our Prepare to Love Again Home Study Course.

Click here to read some of Kim's other articles

Quote of the Month

"We cannot erase the past, but we can accept it as history. We can choose to
live today free from the failures of yesterday. Forgiveness is not a feeling; it is a commitment. It is a choice to show mercy, not to hold the offense up
against the offender. Forgiveness is an expression of love."

--Gary Chapman

This quote really spoke to me on behalf of all of you who have written asking how you get over an affair your partner has had. The answer is in this quote, if you really want to move forward. You have to accept what happened, forgive and make the decision to move forward together. It can be done when you are committed to moving forward. Blaming and punishing will only keep you stuck in the past. Make the decision and keep your eyes looking forward to the future, while living happily in the moment. It's the only real thing there is.

Book Review

Five Wishes: How Answering One Simple Question Can Make Your Dreams Come True
by Gay Hendricks

I particularly enjoyed reading this book in January, at the time when I was formulating my goals for 2008. It definitely informed my practice of goal setting for this year.

If you quickly become bored with casual conversation at networking events, family gatherings, or time with friends, this book can change all that. It will also help you become more intentional about creating the life you want.

Gay begins by asking one simple question: "Was your life a complete success"? Answer this question from the perspective of lying on your death bed. Most of you will answer no, so the follow up question would be what would have had to happen for your life to be a complete success? Identify those answers, and then chart your course toward those goals. There is no time to start but this moment. It's really all you have.

I would highly recommend this book. It's short but very powerful.

Click here to order this book

Tip of the Month

If your relationship has just been hit with the discovery of an affair and you are committed to working things out, then there is one thing each of you can do to help the situation. The injured party needs to work hard at forgiveness. If you want this relationship to work, you must let go of the desire you might have to punish your partner for his or her infidelity. The desire may be strong but the longer you engage in punishing behavior, the worse your situation will become. It will not strengthen, but rather will destroy, your relationship. Your partner will either be inundated with guilt, which might make you feel better for a while, but may result in your partner being with you out of pity instead of true desire. Or your partner will come to see you as totally unforgiving and may move away, either emotionally or in actuality, from you and the relationship.

If you are the perpetrator of the infidelity, one of the things you can do to help the healing process is to allow your life and your personal affairs to become an open book to your partner. He or she feels betrayed by your actions. Trust has been greatly damaged. An effective way to earn back trust is to allow your partner into aspects of your life you previously kept to yourself. This will likely be perceived as a good faith move, allowing your partner to see you don't still have something to hide.

Relationship Q & A

Question: I just finished reading your article “Alone, Who Are You?” Where do I start? I’m a 41-year-old, white woman and never been married. Until recently I was overweight and out of shape, and didn’t feel all that great about myself. I’m now losing the weight and a regular at the gym. Both of which I’ve done for me and no one else. What I’m getting at is that I’m now looking and feeling better about myself, which has caught the attention of a co-worker that I have been friends with for two years. He is a 25-year-old black man and getting married in mid May. I noted our races because I’ve never been attracted to a black man before and never thought I would be. I have known the whole time that he is engaged and I know her. He and I would talk every now and then but in the beginning of February our talks turned to innocent flirting. My thought was that we would flirt and he would go home to her. And that was the way it was until the beginning of March when she went out of town. He called and wanted to come over. I tried to talk him out of it but eventually said ok. It had been so long since someone had wanted to be with me let alone drive two hours in the pouring rain to be with me. We have continued to flirt but have not gotten together again. He has made no secret about wanting to though. He was out of town for a month and it just hadn't worked out again. I’ve never had any illusions about what this was about –sex, flirting, and fun. I don’t even want a long-term relationship with someone that young and willing to cheat but it is going to hurt when we don’t flirt and talk like we have been. What I want to know is how do I look at this for what it was - a nice surprise that made me feel good about myself. How do I let it go? And how do I look at this and figure out why it happened in the first place and what I’m suppose to learn from it? Any words of advice would be greatly appreciated.

Answer:I am very happy to hear about your weight loss and exercise program, particularly since you implemented them for all the right reasons. It's great that you're feeling better about yourself.

It is very difficult for me to offer advice or to even discuss your romantic situation
without knowing what you want to come from it. What are you hoping for? What kind of
ultimate relationship do you want? What kind of person do you want to be in your
relationships? All of this is important information. Take some time to think about and
process your answers to those questions. Perhaps you will come to an answer yourself or feel
free to contact me for more assistance.

Workshops

Click on the links for more information and to purchase

Relationship Empowerment
Two dates to choose from. Click on date for more information and to purchase

February 11, 2008
Chicago, IL-- Prairie State College—Matteson Center
7:00 - 9:00 p.m. CT
$29.00 (Bring your partner or a guest for free)

April 28, 2008
Chicago, IL-- Prairie State College—Matteson Center
7:00 - 9:00 p.m. CT
$29.00 (Bring your partner or a guest for free)

So often, couples get stuck in a rut where each individual is waiting for the other to change their ways. In this workshop, participants will learn to engage in the seven caring habits by following the Platinum Rule: Do unto others as they would have you do unto them. Gender differences in relationships will be explored. Participants will learn the three possible relationship choices. Participants will learn a negotiation strategy so both partners win. People will leave knowing that they have the power to change their relationships regardless of what their partners do.

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Empowerment Parenting
Two dates to choose from. Click on date for more information and to purchase

March 17, 2008
Chicago, IL-- Prairie State College—Matteson Center
7:00 - 9:00 p.m. CT
$29.00 (Bring your partner or a guest for free)

April 30, 2008
Chicago, IL-- Prairie State College—Matteson Center
7:00 - 9:00 p.m. CT
$29.00 (Bring your partner or a guest for free)

This workshop helps parents to understand the psychology behind what is happening with their children at various stages. Parents will learn how to align themselves with their child’s resistance for increased cooperation and compliance. Parents will learn how to sacrifice what they want now—strict compliance, for what they REALLY want—a responsible, caring, child who is capable of making rational decisions. Empowerment Parenting teaches parents simple skills and strategies for helping their children successfully make it through the challenging phases of their lives.

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Introduction to Choice Theory
Chicago, IL-- Prairie State College—Matteson Center
March 19, 2008
8:30 a.m. - 4:30 p.m. CT
$69.00

Learn the basics of Dr. William Glasser's Choice Theory, an explanation of human behavior.

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Self-Development
with Choice Theory
4 1/2 days - Monday - Thursday 9:00 a.m. - 4:00 p.m.
Friday 9:00 a.m. - 12:00 p.m.

The Basic Intensive Week in Choice Theory and Reality Therapy is a 4 day or 4½-day workshop where you will be exposed to some highly innovative ideas of Dr. William Glasser. You will learn the new psychology of personal freedom called Choice Theory. There is application in this workshop for teachers, school administrators, counselors, therapists, social workers, business managers, clergy, nurses, parents, and anyone interested in improving the quality of their life. You will learn how to empower yourself by distinguishing between those things you can control and those you can’t and focus your energy on those you can. There is practical advice about how to improve the important relationships in your life and how to become the person you want to be. This workshop helps you become more effective in counseling and teaching others, particularly those who may not even know they need your help—non-voluntary clients and less than enthusiastic students. The group size is kept small enough that you will receive individual attention and have plenty of time to have your questions answered.

April 7 - 11, 2008 - The Villages, FL
April 21 - 25, 2008 - Milton, PA
April 28 - May 2, 2008 - Chicago, IL - Prairie State College—Matteson Center
May 5 - 9, 2008 — Virginia Beach, VA

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