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Inside Out Personal Edition “You can't change the direction of the wind. . . . but you can adjust your sails!” ---Jimmy Dean Kim Olver, MS, NCC, LPC www.TheRelationshipCenter.biz Kim@TheRelationshipCenter.biz October 4, 2005 , Volume I, Issue 10 |
| This Month's Feature How to Create the Body Size You Want In this 12-week course, you will learn Choice Theory, the new psychology of personal freedom, as an explanation for why you do what you do---no matter what is behind your weight issue, this theory can provide a framework for understanding. How many times have you attempted to lose weight only to gain it and more back again? Are you tired of being on a diet? Wonder what makes this program different? Well, in the first place, it is done in the privacy of your own home at your own pace. You decide when to complete the next lesson. This program does not focus on the number on the scale. It is about what you tell yourself and the habits in which you engage. Most weight loss programs fail because you are still having thoughts and behavior that support your bad habits. This program will help you change that. You will learn the psychology and physiology about weight loss. Along with this knowledge comes a decision for you to make---what are you going to do with this new knowledge? You will explore your past successes, your food triggers and the thoughts you tell yourself. You will learn ways to reprogram your mind for long lasting change. This program can help you become more satisfied when you look in the mirror. You will be able to visualize the end result from the beginning. You will find the right and healthy weight for yourself and be happy when you accomplish it. You will have more energy and a more positive outlook on life. Give it a try. We offer a 150% money back guarantee. If you have applied the ideas in this course and are not completely satisfied with the quality of the program, then you simply let us know and we will refund what you paid plus 50% and you get to keep the lessons you were sent besides! How can you lose? And it’s Only $50---much less than other weight loss programs! Click Here for a full description and to register |
A Message from Kim Well, isn’t this a great time to be alive! Is anyone else counting their blessings after the effects of Hurricanes Katrina and Rita have pummeled our Gulf Coast? While I feel nothing but sadness and empathy for those affected by the storm, it is also a time to be thankful for all those things we normally take for granted. Things like running water, modern plumbing, having our pets within easy reach, having our homes and belonging secure, and knowing where our loved one’s are and that they are safe. It pretty much puts our petty day-to-day problems in perspective, doesn’t it? Why do we need to wait for disasters before we respond with gratitude for all that has been given to us? Wouldn’t it be awesome to give daily thanks for all that we now take for granted? In all of that, the thing I think many of us are most guilty of is not fully expressing our appreciation for the loved ones in our lives. This month a 42 year-old man I know just died in his sleep. A friend of mine lost her 80 year-old mother. One cousin had a liver transplant and another cousin had brain surgery. My sister-in-law and niece narrowly escaped a serious car accident that could have taken their lives. The point is that there are no guarantees of tomorrow. Any of us could be taken at any moment. When was the last time you told your loved ones just how much you love and appreciate their involvement in your life? What are you waiting for? |
In this Issue E-Courses ~Author Unknown Book Review Relationship Q&A ************************ ************************ Relationships Click on the link below for a description of this amazing F - R - E - E teleclass. Offered the second Tuesday of every month.
October 11, 2005 9:00 p.m.
Stop Lying Now Starting Over after the End of Your Relationship Anger Management (De-Escalation Skills) Creating the Relationship You Deserve ************************ We cannot continue to parent our teens the way we did when they were younger children, or even the way our parents parented us. The world is different! Children are different! If we do not learn new innovations in parenting, our efforts will likely be ineffective at best, and actually destructive at their worst. Attend this teleclass series and learn about the inherent conflict between parents and their children, as well as ways to circumvent it. You can reasonably insure your child’s safety and still maintain a positive relationship. The focus will be more educational than therapeutic. Parents will learn a negotiation method that will help them work out win/win solutions with their teen in a way that’s fair and nonconfrontational...It’s just one hour a week for eight weeks to learn how to create the caring, supportive, trusting and protective relationship that you want with your adolescent. Once you learn the things you will need to know about yourself and your child in this teleclass series, you’ll realize that it isn’t so difficult, after all, to relate to your teen, still stay the parent, and keep your child safe at the same time. Being the parent of a teen doesn’t have to be burdened with frustration, conflict and worry. It can be fun, creative and relatively simple! Click Here for a full description and to register Coming in April 2006 Chats
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Starting Over How does one start over after the loss of a loved one? It is a monumental task that just feels overwhelming at times. Similar rebuilding occurs after the death, divorce or separation of a loved one. First comes the shock of the loss and an almost denial that is has happened, particularly if there was no warning. We have hopes and dreams of the future that include our loved one and suddenly he or she is not there. How will we cope? How can we go on? But go on we must and we will. Often times our first step is to attempt to regain what we have lost. This is impossible if our loved one has died but that doesn’t stop us from trying. A lot of what we go through in our grieving process is our best attempt to keep that person alive and well in our perception. So, we do things like go over the memories, look through picture albums, talk about our loved one to everyone who will listen, think about him or her every minute and even speak to him or her out loud. If a loved one has not died, but has chosen to walk out of your life, it can be more challenging. In this instance, you not only have to get over the shock of the loss but also cope with the feelings of rejection. In our best attempt to get our loved one back, we may engage in all the behaviors someone who has lost their partner to death would. But in addition, we may beg them to take us back, follow our loved one around, try to get our friends to intervene on our behalf, and a host of other maladaptive behaviors. Everyone grieves at his or her own pace. I am in no way suggesting that this process can or should be rushed. What I am saying is that when a person is ready, he or she can turn the grief into a new hope for the future. There's a quote I've learned that is very helpful during this phase. Unfortunately, I do not know its source. The quote is: " Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened." This is a highly evolved place to get and not everyone gets there. However, if you find yourself in the process of starting over, adopting this particular attitude can be fairly helpful. You would begin by brainstorming all the possible benefits of no longer being in relationship with the person who's gone. This may seem uncomfortable at first, almost a betrayal of the love you shared, but it is the most healing thing you can do at this point. You may feel that moving on will, in some way, send the message that you didn't really love enough. In an attempt to show the world how much you loved your partner, you use the depth of your grieving as the message. And if you are someone who wants to continue grieving, then nothing I have to say will get in your way. You don't even have to continue reading. This article is really for those people who are tired of being depressed, who are ready to us start again and who want to actually believe that things can get better. In 1999, my husband died of leukemia when he was 37 years old, leaving behind our two sons ages 13 and 15. Initially, there was no positive benefit I could see from that event at all. However when I was ready to look for the positives, they did appear. One of the first positives I saw is that I actually had the opportunity to say goodbye. My husband's entire family had the opportunity to say the things they wanted to say to bring closure to their relationships with him. Many people do not have that opportunity when loved ones pass. A second benefit is that when my husband learned he was sick, he stopped working. He didn't stop because he was too sick. He stopped because there was some research link between his type of leukemia and the chemical benzene -- something he worked with at his job. You too, can find the benefit in the loss of your last relationship. It merely involves putting on the proper lenses that will allow you to see it. Just like in science, there can be no positive without the negative and no negative without the positive. You can't have protons without neutrons -- and you can't have a devastating event in your life without it also bringing some positive benefits. Healing and moving on requires these lenses. While you continue to mourn the loss of your relationship, you're only staying stuck in the past. Let's return to the quote mentioned above. Instead of mourning the loss of the relationship, focus on how fortunate you were to have that relationship in your life for as long as you did. There are no guarantees in this life. When a loved one enters our life, there is no surety for how long he or she will stay. They're not possessions to be owned, but rather our gift to be cherished for as long as we have it. One of the first steps to take in healing our grief is to reach out to others in our life who love us. When someone we love leaves us, it creates a huge void in our life. Some try to fill this void with drugs or alcohol, but that only results in a temporary reprieve from the pain. If love is what we lost, then the only thing that will help us to feel better is more love. During this time you may confuse sex with love and go looking for meaningless encounters. However, this again will only postpone the inevitability of the pain of the loss of love. We must replace love with love. Reach out to friends, family and co-workers --- anyone who will fill some of the gap left by your loved one. It's not the same, it's not what you are really craving, but it will help heal the pain. After that temporary reprieve with those who love us, you must start rebuilding your life and your strength. You can go on. You can laugh again. And yes, you can love again. Love has many forms. You may develop another relationship in time. You may find a cause that you love and believe in. You may "adopt" a neighborhood child. You may find or create work you love. You may get a pet that you can love unconditionally. You may become involved (but not too involved) in the lives of your extended family. Whatever form love takes, it will fill the void that was left by the relationship you lost. But none of this will truly do the trick unless you learn to love yourself again. How does one accomplish this task? You must take inventory. Make a list of all that you have to offer the world. What are your strengths? What are your interests? What are your talents and abilities? What do you love? If you're having difficulty completing your list, ask someone you trust for help. An objective viewpoint can often point out positives of which we are unaware. And if, after taking this step, you are still unsure of your special talents and skills, then make a list of the person that you want to be. What is it that you would like to be able to offer the world? Describe a person that you admire whom you would strive to become. As long as there's breath in your body, it is never too late to learn to expand and grow to become the person that you truly want to be. If you feel as if your life is over, you are truly wasting the gift of life that you have been given. There is only one you. You have something unique inside you to offer the rest of us. Please don't keep it hidden, lost in your grief Do not climb in the grave with your loved one. It is not your time. Do not wither and die behind the door your loved one closed on his or her way out of your life. Find someone less fortunate than you, and do something for them without expecting anything in return. You'll be surprised what that does to elevate your mood. If you are ready and having trouble getting started, please email me at Kim@therelationshipcenter.biz or phone me at 708-957-6047. I would be happy to talk with you further about this. Copyright © October 2005 Kim Olver. All rights reserved ****************************** . ****************************** "There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go." ~Author Unknown This quote is pretty self-explanatory and really speaks to the theme of this newsletter. I keep coming back to the thought that we always have three choices---leave it, change it or accept it. Since your partner has already chosen to leave, the option of you leaving is not available in it’s truest sense. But you can decide to stop thinking about the relationship so you can mentally leave. Some have actually chosen a more permanent solution and have made attempts to kill themselves. I don’t recommend this option because it is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I know that the pain that we experience when a loved one leaves us does subside with healing. We can attempt to change it. This is when we engage in behavior to try to get our loved one back. I know the temptation is strong to choose this option and I even believe it doesn’t hurt to make an attempt to see if your partner is really serious about his or her choice. However, when you cross the line to begging, crying, stalking and otherwise coercing your former partner into coming back, you are setting both of you up for continued misery. If you are truly ready to try the last option of accepting it so you can heal and start over, The Relationship Center can help you. ****************************** After I had written the article on “Starting Over”, something was brought to my attention to make me realize that I had forgotten a critical point in a person’s attempts to start over. Before anyone can even begin to think about starting over, he or she must first let go of their previous relationship. So many times, people attempt to start over while still clinging to the hope that their prior partner will come to his or her senses and want to resume their relationship. As long as a person is harboring those kinds of feelings, it is incredibly difficult to start over. So my tip this week involves a person’s preparation for starting over. In your heart and in your mind, you must let go of your past love. This can be done with great generosity of spirit and does not have to involve ill feelings of any kind. A person must realize that the relationship is over. Their previous partner has opted out of the relationship. The likelihood that they will be back is slim. Decide to cherish the time you did have together, learn whatever lesson it was you were supposed to learn and say a permanent goodbye to the couple part of your relationship. Grieve the loss if you must but let go of your prior relationship so that you give yourself a reasonable chance of successfully starting over. ******************************
The Kaizen Way: One Small Step Can Change Your Life This book is applicable to many topics but I chose it this month because I believe it can aptly be applied to starting over. The Kaizen Way is about accomplishing our goals one small step at a time. Kaizen is a Japanese word, whose essence is captured in the phrase, “A journey of a thousand miles must begin with the first step.”---Lao Tzu. It simply means taking small, manageable steps toward your goal. Click here to order this book ****************************** .. How would you like to take one of my teleclasses for f.ree? All you have to do is get two (2) people to subscribe to either of my eZines and send me their e-mail addresses for confirmation with the name of the teleclass you would like to attend. If you do not wish to attend one of the teleclasses, you can give your f.ree teleclass to a friend or family member. It’s that simple! Send either one or both of the following links to all your friends and family and ask them to subscThe Relationship Centerribe to the eZine. For the personal edition of "Inside Out", go to and for the business edition go to Coaching for Excellence and have them type their name and email address in the boxes on the right-hand side of the web page where it says, “Subscribe to Receive 'Inside Out', our Fr.ee eZine". Only two people actually have to subscribe for you to be eligible for a f.ree teleclass. Once their subscription has been confirmed you will receive an e-mail giving you the bridge line and access code for the teleclass of your choosing. A listing of teleclasses being offered can be found in both my monthly e-zine or on my classes page at either web site. There is no limit to the amount of f.ree teleclasses you can earn---you get one f.ree teleclass for every two referrals that sign up for one of my eZines. Within the next year I am planning on adding many new teleclasses on several topics including the following: . Weight Loss . Please continue to check this eZine and my website calendar for these new and exciting teleclasses. Don’t wait, take advantage of this offer and experience the new technology of teleclasses, learning and growing from home. ****************************** Kim Olver has an undergraduate degree in psychology, a graduate degree in counseling, is a National Certified Counselor and is a licensed professional counselor. Since 1987, Kim has extensively studied the work of Dr. William Glasser’s Choice Theory, Reality Therapy and Lead Management. She was certified in Reality Therapy in 1992 and continued her studies to become a certified instructor for the William Glasser Institute. She is an expert at empowering people to navigate the sometimes difficult course of life---teaching them how to get the most out of the circumstances life provides them. These are incredibly powerful ideas with equal application to one’s work and personal lives. Kim is an expert in restoring hope, finding the positive side in life’s events and helping others do the same. If you would like to get your life back on track, get closer to important people in your life, stop feeling victimized or out of control, better manage the pain and disappointment of life or reduce depression, fear, frustration and anger so you can develop greater happiness and satisfaction in your life, then Kim can help. She will provide just the right balance of challenge and support to assist you to navigate the course you choose. |
