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Inside Out Personal Edition “You can't change the direction of the wind. . . but you can adjust your sails!” ---Jimmy Dean Kim Olver, MS, NCC, LPC www.TheRelationshipCenter.biz Kim@TheRelationshipCenter.biz
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| This Month's Feature Teleclass FREE Teleclass-Inside Out Thinking Do you find that your happiness is often contingent on people, circumstances or things that you have no control over? Do you feel like life is just passing you by while you wait for.... Inside Out Thinking is such a powerful way to unleash your personal power in a big way. Take control of your life. Register today. Click Here for a full description and to register |
A Message from Kim Hi everyone. I hope this month's newsletter finds you happy and well. I had the opportunity to attend my nephew's wedding this month and found it very enjoyable for a variety of reasons. First of all, my son was the best man and I was so proud of how wonderful he looked in his tuxedo and how eloquently he spoke and gave a toast. He added his usual dry sense of humor and it was truly my joy to see what a wonderful man he has become. I also enjoyed seeing the union of my nephew and his bride. They have been together for several years and seem to have the dedication and commitment it will take to have a successful marriage over the long haul. They chose a minister from Africa who focused the message of the ceremony more on the marriage and less on the wedding event. He talked about the commitment and sacrifice that are necessary to make a marriage last. I had a friend attend the wedding with me and I was very proud to be in his company. I was also excited to spend our social time at the wedding with the family of my son's fiance. They have such a strong, supportive, loving family. It feels so good to know that my son will have a second family that treats him just like their own. This wedding experience was a time to be treasured. I hope you are making memories like this in your own lives. Enjoy life. |
In this Issue Quote of the Month: Book Review
Relationship Q&A About Kim Olver Click on the link below for a description of this amazing
F - R - E - E teleclass. Offered the second Tuesday of every month. Next Class November 14, 2006 9:00 - 10:00 p.m. EST
FREE Teleclass Do you find that your happiness is often contingent on people, circumstances or things that you have no control over? Do you feel like life is just passing you by while you wait for.... Inside Out Thinking is such a powerful way to unleash your personal power in a big way. Take control of your life. FREE Teleclass-Relationships from the Inside Out Learn the skills you need to create the relationship you deserve. Learn about the seven deadly relationship habits and how to replace them with loving and caring habits. Start improving that relationship you have with your significant other by registering for this amazing class today. FREE Teleclass Goal Come on now; are you serious this time about keeping those New Year’s resolutions? Let’s really get serious about setting those goals for next year. This teleclass will give you a time-proven system for setting and actually attaining those New Year’s resolutions. No more excuses. Register for this call today. All you need is a telephone. FREE Teleclass-Empowerment Parenting We cannot continue to parent our children the way we did when they were younger children, or even the way our parents parented us. The world is different! Children are different! If we do not learn new innovations in parenting, our efforts will likely be ineffective at best, and actually destructive at their worst. Join us for this teleclass and learn about the inherent conflict between parents and their children, as well as ways to circumvent it. You can reasonably insure your child’s safety and still maintain a positive relationship FREE Teleclass-Anger Management Are you someone who is confronted with angry people in the course of your life? Spouses, children, extended family members, neighbors, community members who have tempers and like to yell at you? Want to learn ways to take the wind out their sails and have them communicating more cooperatively? Then this class is for you! ************************ Foster Parenting Teleseries Six (6) Week teleseries. Click on link for more information or to purchase. Foster Parent Agencies - Please click here to order this teleseries
Chats Kim will be available in her chat room for questions and dialog on the following dates and times: All Chats are from |
Stalking: Is this You? I am not talking about criminal stalkers who truly intend to do someone harm. What I’m talking about are regular people who have a relationship end before they were ready and some of the behaviors they use in their best attempt to hold on to their partners. Has this ever happened to you? Let’s talk about the potential dangers of what can happen. You are in a love relationship. You are happy and content most of the time. Perhaps you notice your partner’s lack of attention and possible discontent, or possibly the realization that he or she no longer loves you comes as a complete shock. Whichever is the case, the ultimate result is that your partner wants out of the relationship that was satisfying for you. I talk to many individuals who have experienced this scenario as a total and complete shock. They had no idea. They insist there was no warning. Everything was fine and then one day. . . BOOM. The bottom fell out of their world. This experience can be completely devastating. If this has happened to you, you know what I mean. Everything seems fine. You are happy. You have a partner in your life who meets most of your needs. You depend on that person. You imagine your future together. You take for granted that you will always be together. Then something happens that is totally out of your control and your world is shattered. What can you do? Before we talk about what to do, it is important to really look and define what you want. Most people who are left in that situation want their lover back. They want to pinch themselves and realize they were just having a nightmare. They want their partner to love them again. Without taking a good look at what you want, you tend to start behaving automatically. You want your life back so you start engaging in activities to try to change the other person’s mind. You cry, you rage, you depress and sometimes in desperation, you engage in what I call stalking behavior. Your partner has told you the relationship is over. He or she is not interested in continuing your life together. Your partner doesn’t love you anymore. Well, that is completely unacceptable to you. Some of you will even imagine that the person is losing his or her mind. He might be having a midlife crisis or she may simply be experiencing PMS. Your mind kicks into denial. You simply don’t believe it. You call your friends. Try to get them on your side to validate whatever it is you are thinking. And in sheer desperation, you start to spy on your loved one. You drive by where they work. You make unwanted phone calls, begging them to come back and give you one more chance. You start approaching their family members and friends hoping to gain some insight that you lack. All of this is understandable when you start behaving without your goal in mind. If you don’t understand your goal is to reinstate the relationship, then your behavior seems justified. However, when you clearly define your goal, then that begs the question, “Are these behaviors that I am engaging in helping me to bring this person back into my life?” If you can honestly see the situation, then you will have to admit that what you are choosing to do is more likely pushing your loved one away. Once you recognize this, you need to switch out of your emotional mode and move into a more logical, intellectual mode. You need to understand a little about relationship dynamics. Until a couple truly moves into an area of mature love and relationship commitment, they tend to go through cycles. One person withdraws and the other person moves closer in an attempt to fill the gap created by the other’s withdrawal. In so doing the person attempting to fill the gap often crowds and smothers his or her partner, thus increasing the likelihood of their own rejection. It’s a vicious cycle. What can be done about it? You must honor your partner in your relationship, while at the same time honoring yourself. You do not have the right to get your own needs met at the exclusion of your partner meeting his or her needs. When a relationship exists that is not meeting the needs of both individuals, sometimes one or both people decide it’s time to end the relationship. The problem occurs if you don’t want the relationship to end and your partner does. What can you do? The first thing to always ask yourself is, “Whose behavior can I control?” If your partner has decided to end the relationship, is there really anything you can do to stop them? Maybe, and that’s a big maybe, you can make them feel so guilty that they will return to you. However, is guilt the foundation you want your relationship to be built upon? I say you must honor your partner’s wishes to end a relationship gracefully if maintaining any type of future relationship is your goal. You may be able to salvage a friendship that way. It’s even possible that down the road, your partner may want to return to you once he or she realizes that you respected them enough to let them go gracefully. However, don’t let this be the reason you do so because then if it doesn’t happen, you can reengage in some crazy and potentially stalking behaviors. You have a complete right to a fulfilling, satisfying relationship. That is true. However, you may not be able to have it with the person you’d like to have it with right now. Hold on to your vision of the future—your dream of happily ever after. Simply allow yourself the flexibility to imagine it with a different partner in your life. After all, isn’t part of your vision being in relationship with someone who loves you as much as you love them? Then your current relationship isn’t the answer. Gracefully, let it go with the inner knowledge that you are better off for the time you spent in the relationship. It met your needs for as long as it existed and now you are on to bigger and better things. You have been freed to continue your search for a person to love you in your here and now. Remember this quote by Dr. Seuss, “Don’t cry because it’s over; smile because it happened.” Copyright © November 2006. Kim Olver. All rights reserved
NOTICE: This article is free and can be copied and reproduced as long as the copyright and bio is included at the bottom of the article
"Upsets always contain the gift of learning, except most people have never learned how to unwrap the package." --Layne and Paul Cutright Even when our relationships end before we are ready, there is an amazing gift included in that. Sometimes your partner recognizes something you don't and ending the relationship frees you up to be the person you were meant to be or to find a partner who is even better for you. Sometimes the end of a relationship allows us to grow in ways we didn't even know we needed to grow. When we can stop looking at life's events as negative and begin to see their gifts, we will have far less trauma, tragedy and sorrow in our lives. ******************************
Making Real Love Happen: The New ERA of Intimacy While I don't believe this is the be all, end all of relationship dynamics, Dr. Buckner does take a look at some common issues in relationships and provides a helpful framework in growing together in intimacy. She claims that based on our childhood experiences, we will either be relationship maximizers or minimizers. A relationship maximizer is one who wants to be close, who can potentially crowd the other person. This is typically someone who felt unloved in childhood or somehow not good enough. A minimizer in relationships is someone who tends to withdraw and can feel rejecting to their partner. this is someone who perhaps felt crowded or smothered as a child. Minimizers and maxizers are attracted to each other and without intervention will continue to act out the destructive patterns of their childhood. At first the relationship feels good because it's familiar -- our partner helps us feel like we did with our early caregiver(s). Then our relationship moves into a phase that exposes the wounds we have from our childhood. Dr. Buckner has developed a structure for couples to work out getting their needs equally met in their relationships, called the ERA process. The "E" stands for empathy, the "R" respect and the "A" authencity. She claims that real love will flourish when couples learn how to give those three elements to their partners. It is a book worth reading to help with the relationship you may be in currently or to help you know what to do in future relationships. Click here to order this book ****************************** My tip for you this month is a reiteration of what is already in the feature article. You must take the time you need to get clear about what it is that you want. Once you can identify what you are honestly working toward, then you will be better able to assess whether or not your current behavior is likely to move you in the direction of your goal. If not, you can make the necessary adjustments. Also, take the time to look at your goal in terms of do you want something that is out of your direct control? Since the only thing we actually have direct control over is ourself, when we want something from someone else, we want something out of our control. If it is perfectly acceptable to ask for what we want. . . once. After that, you may ask a second time just to be sure but if the other person doesn't oblige you, then I would say you must adjust your focus from what you want from the other person to what you are going to do to adjust happily to your new set of circumstances. ****************************** Q: My fiance just called off our wedding and gave me the ring back over something really stupid. She always blows things out of proportion. And she is from a different ethnic background than me and does a lot of things I disagree with. I think if I just give her some time, she will realize how stupid this is and come back. I don't know what to do. I'm thinking about calling her father and getting him to speak with her and talk some sense into her. If you still believe what you want is for things to work out, then perhaps you want to attempt to understand the situation from her point of view instead of dismissing her concerns as "stupid." Giving her space to work things out sounds like a good idea. Talking to her father may actually be somewhat intrusive. Honestly ask yourself the question, "If I do the thing I am thinking of doing, will it help us move closer together or pull us further apart?" If reconciling is what you are hoping for, then only engage in those behaviors with the greatest odds of moving you closer together.
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