In this Issue
Feature Article
Self-Transformation: Five Steps to Being the Person You Want to Be
by Kim Olver
Workshops
Book Review
Loving-Kindness: The Revolutionary Art of Happness
by Sharon Salzberg
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Upcoming
Events
Click on title of class for more information and to register or visit
www.TheRelationshipCenter.biz
ALL TIMES IN EST
Inside Out Ongoing Mastermind Group, offered the second Tuesday of every month. Anyone can join in to learn about the process of IOE, Inside Out Empowerment and how it can open your heart, free your mind and transform your life.
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All teleconferences are one (1) hour in length unless otherwise stated and all you need is a telephone. When you register we will send you a phone number that you will call five minutes prior to the start of your teleconference. You will have the opportunity to ask questions, but if you prefer to just listen that’s all right too. You do not need a computer or Internet, only a telephone. Don’t delay. There are a limited number of slots available.
Goal Setting & Attainment Are you serious about attaining your goals next year? Do you want to do more than make a New Year's Resolution that you forget by the time the Super Bowl is on television? Join me on the free teleconference to learn my time-tested 7-Step process for Goal Attainment. We will do more than set goals--we will discuss a system to implement that will exponentially increase your opportunity for success. Also, my Goal Attainment System is multi-faceted. You won't just be focusing your attention on your career goals unless you want to. My system has you take a look at all areas of your life so you can accomplish an optimal work/life balance for you. There is nothing to lose but an hour of your time and so much to gain. Let's make this your best year yet! |
Self-Development
with Choice Theory
November 10 - 14, 2008 - Williamsburg, PA
4 1/2 days - Monday - Thursday 9:00 a.m. - 4:00 p.m.
Friday 9:00 a.m. - 12:00 p.m.
The Basic Intensive Week in Choice Theory and Reality Therapy is a 4 day or 4½-day workshop where you will be exposed to some highly innovative ideas of Dr. William Glasser. You will learn the new psychology of personal freedom called Choice Theory. There is application in this workshop for teachers, school administrators, counselors, therapists, social workers, business managers, clergy, nurses, parents, and anyone interested in improving the quality of their life. You will learn how to empower yourself by distinguishing between those things you can control and those you can’t and focus your energy on those you can. There is practical advice about how to improve the important relationships in your life and how to become the person you want to be.
Empowerment Parenting
December 3 , 2008
Chicago, IL-- Prairie State College—Matteson Center
7:00 - 9:00 PM CT
$29.00 (Bring your partner or a guest for free)
This workshop helps parents to understand the psychology behind what is happening with their children at various stages. Parents will learn how to align themselves with their child’s resistance for increased cooperation and compliance. Parents will learn how to sacrifice what they want now—strict compliance, for what they REALLY want—a responsible, caring, child who is capable of making rational decisions. Empowerment Parenting teaches parents simple skills and strategies for helping their children successfully make it through the challenging phases of their lives. Parenting children is no easy task. They don’t come with an instruction manual. Times are different that when your parents parented you! Empowerment parenting shows parents how to compromise and negotiate with their children as they gradually increase freedom as their child demonstrates the responsible behavior to handle and appropriately manage that freedom. This is a challenging way to parent. It is truly parenting for the 21st century.
Relationship Empowerment
December 1 , 2008
Chicago, IL-- Prairie State College—Matteson Center
7:00 - 9:00 PM CT
$29.00 (Bring your partner or a guest for free)
So often, couples get stuck in a rut where each individual is waiting for the other to change their ways. In this workshop, participants will learn to engage in the seven caring habits by following the Platinum Rule: Do unto others as they would have you do unto them. Gender differences in relationships will be explored. Participants will learn the three possible relationship choices. Participants will learn a negotiation strategy so both partners win. People will leave knowing that they have the power to change their relationships regardless of what their partners do.
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Chats
All times listed in EST
Kim will be available in her chat room for questions and dialog on the following dates and times:
All Chats are from
7:30 - 8:30 p.m. EST
October 28, 2008
November 4, 2008
November 11, 2008
November 18, 2008
Inside Out
Personal Edition
“You can't change the direction of the wind. . .
but you can adjust your sails!”
---Jimmy Dean
Kim Olver, MS, NCC, LPC
www.TheRelationshipCenter.biz
Kim@TheRelationshipCenter.biz
October 23, 2008 - Volume 4, Issue 8
A Message from Kim
Hi Everybody,
This month's newsletter focuses on the relationship you have with yourself. I took a look at self-transformation and becoming the person we want to be. The book review is about living from loving kindness and my tip and Q&A each address an aspect of a person's relationship with herself. I hope you enjoy it.
I know I asked you this last month but I am still working on getting 1000 couples to complete my online relationship survey for my second book entitled, Secrets to a Satisfying Relationship: How to Build Your Intimate Relationship from the Inside Out. I am searching for couples who can each answer yes to the following two questions.
1. Have you been together for at least 10 years? (You don't have to be married for ten years, just in a committed relationship. This is not for heterosexual couples only.)
2. Are you happy and satisfied with your relationship?
If each person in the couple separately answers yes to each of these questions, then I want them to take my relationship survey. This brief anonymous survey will ask individuals what they believe contributes to the success of their relationship. It will also ask about challenges to their relationship and how they approach those challenges. Depending upon a couple's answers to those questions, I may want to personally interview them for inclusion in my book.
Here's what you can do: If you know any couples who meet my qualifying criteria, would you please ask them if they would be willing to complete my anonymous online survey? If yes, please provide me with their names and separate email addresses so I can send them the link to the survey. I would really appreciate your help. I am hoping to have responses from couples all over the world, from different religions, married/unmarried, with children or not. The more variety, the better.
I am very excited about beginning my research but I don't personally know 1000 couples where each person is satisfied with their relationship. I need your help to find them. Please help me do this important research so I can bring this information to the world.
NOTICE: If you have been thinking of taking advantage of the "chat with us feature" of the website, please do so before the end of the year. As of January 1, 2009, I am planning to no longer have chats on Tuesday evenings. It seems to be a service my subscribers are not interested in and attendance has been low. Consequently, there will be no more chats with Kim unless I get an overwhelming response prior to the end of 2008. Thanks.
Make today the day you want it to be!
Unleash the power within you.
Kim Olver
Feature Article
Self-Transformation: Five Steps to Being the Person You Want to Be
by Kim Olver
There was a time I can remember when some people used to wear bracelets with the inscription “WWJD”? This question, "What would Jesus do?", was designed for its wearer to be reminded to act in a way he or she valued and wanted to emulate. This provided a path for Christians but what about those who didn’t believe?
Now, anyone can ask themselves a similar question: “What would I be doing in this situation if I were being the person I want to be”? You no longer have to compare yourself to the son of God. Simply craft a vision of the person you want to be.
It is very similar to the process companies go through when deciding their vision, values and mission. We do it in companies, why not in our personal lives as well? What is your vision of the person you want to be? If you were being your best self, how would you behave?
What are the guiding principles and values by which you choose to live your life? If you are an adult, you no longer have to live by the values of another. You get to choose the ideals you want to emulate in your private life. What will they be? Kindness? Success? Wealth? Fairness? Friendship? Power? Loyalty? Competition? Cooperation? Respect? Honesty? You get the idea. Decide the values you will use to guide your life. Values become the measurements of how you make your decisions. They aren’t just nice to use when all things are going well. Your values are the tools you use to help you decide what to do in every situation. How can you know what to do if you haven’t identified your highest values?
Here is the process of self-transformation:
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Develop your own true north. Know your values, the path you are on and the steps necessary to stay true to your beliefs and direction. Write out your vision statement for your life and determine your life’s purpose.
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Identify supporters and detractors. Surround yourself with your supporters and limit or eliminate time with detractors.
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In every situation, ask yourself the question, “If I were being the person I want to be in this situation, what would I be doing”? Access your values and higher ideals to answer this question.
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Assess the likely consequences, both positive and negative, and prepare for those consequences.
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Line yourself up and act in the way you would if you were being the person you wanted to be.
There will likely be saboteurs along the way. You will have strangers, friends and enemies alike who don’t want you to succeed. When you lead your life by values instead of situations, others may not appreciate your new direction. You have changed and are no longer the person they want you to be. In systems theory, when you change one part of the system, the entire system must adjust to compensate for the change. Those around you may not want to change, thus they are invested in keeping you just the way you are. Watch out for this kind of external sabotage.
The second kind of sabotage comes from within. Self-sabotage can be your worst enemy and it requires your constant, alert, conscious attention to overcome it. The scientific truth is that as we develop certain behaviors under certain circumstances, our brain creates neural pathways which cause us to behave in the same manner under similar circumstances unless we constantly pay conscious attention to what we are doing and we make different choices. We need to override our default brain chemistry in order to do something differently. If you are serious, you must be vigilant. Getting an accountability partner, a coach or a mentor can help you overcome self-sabotage.
Enjoy your transformation to becoming the person you want to be.
About Kim OlverKim Olver is a life coach and public speaker who has a graduate degree in counseling, is a National Certified Counselor and a licensed professional counselor in two states. She has worked in the helping profession since 1982 and has spent her entire life helping people get along better with the important people in their lives. Kim works with couples, parents and children, and individuals seeking to improve their lives. Check out her Goal Attainment System |
Click here to read some of Kim's other articles
Quote of the Month
"Happiness is not something ready made... It comes from your own actions."
-- Dalai Lama
The wise Dalai Lama is telling us that happiness just doesn't find you, while you sit lazily back waiting for it. Happiness is a result of your efforts. Happiness will find you when you live in the present moment, when you accept things as they come without judgment and when you are being the person you want to be. Start today and enjoy the journey.
Book Review
Loving-Kindness: The Revolutionary Art of Happness
by Sharon Salzberg
I surprised myself once when I took part in a values clarification exercise. I always thought honesty was my number one value. I believe very strongly in honesty and integrity but what I realized after completing this values activity was that if push came to shove, I would choose kindness over honesty every time. The highest value by which I live my life is kindness. That is not to say, I'm right and if you would choose honesty or any other value that you would be wrong. It's simply to say that in my life, I have chosen kindness as my highest purpose.
Therefore, when I saw a book entitled, Loving-Kindness, you can imagine it caught my attention. I was not surprised to enjoy reading it. Ms. Salzberg takes Buddhist psychology and simplifies it to a way of living that resonates with me and I'm sure it will with many of my readers.
Join our book club at Inside Out Central
Tip of the Month
I know I talk a lot about acceptance and I'm going to do it again. I believe acceptance of what happens in our lives and the choices those in our life make is critical to our own happiness. How can you be happy when those around you are behaving in ways that cause unhappiness?
Don't allow others' choices to "make" you unhappy. You choose your mood. This is basically done by the thoughts you think.
If you basically accept that everyone has the right to make their own choices and are going to do just that, then you can better accept what they do. When choices get too far out of societal boundaries, there will be societal consequences imposed. None of that has to have a negative affect on you if you simply develop the attitude that "All is exactly as it should be" and seek out the lesson or the gift in the situation.
Nothing that happens is inherently negative. Things become negative when we think negative thoughts about it. Keep your thoughts neutral. Remind yourself that everything is in its natural order and stay on your path to being the person you want to be.
Relationship Q & A
Question: How would you be able to change your thinking from the inside out?
Because, I try to do this, but I still cannot stop having odd thoughts come into my thinking, and that is the only thing I think of and it won't leave me, as these thoughts get me in an odd mood. I want to change, but on the other hand, I am unable to produce positive thinking, most of the time I do positive but when there is a negative the same thing happens where I get stuck, and I think I'm in a black hole and I can't get out.
Why is it when I am having a good time when I get out, and then something dawns on me like there is something, or someone watching all the time, where I think I did something wrong, but I know I did not do anything wrong. How can you deal with these thoughts?
Answer: Well, Lindsey, the idea is to have a proactive plan about things you want to think about. If I tell you to stop thinking about pink elephants... You better stop thinking about those pink elephants right now! I said stop thinking about pink elephants!!!!! What are you thinking about? Exactly, pink elephants. You really have no choice. However, if you have a plan about what you want to think about instead, whenever pink elephants pop into your head unannounced and uninvited, you can consciously direct your thinking away from them and onto something more pleasant, such as your next vacation, your best friend or something you like to do.
When that doesn't work, then become the "watcher." Instead of just ruminating on the unwanted thought, study yourself having the thought. Take yourself out of that experience and take yourself to a place of curiosity about you and the thought. Your focus will shift from the actual thought to phenomenon of having the thought in the first place. As you become practiced with this skill, your unwanted thoughts will become fewer and further between.
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