In this Issue
Relationships:
Whose Problem is It?
by Kim Olver
Teleconferences
Workshops
Book Review
Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage
by Dr. Kevin Leman
************************
Upcoming
Events
Click on title of class for more information and to register or visit
www.TheRelationshipCenter.biz
ALL TIMES IN EST
Inside Out Ongoing Mastermind Group, offered the second Tuesday of every month. Anyone can join in to learn about the process of IOE, Inside Out Empowerment and how it can open your heart, free your mind and transform your life.
|
All teleconferences are one (1) hour in length unless otherwise stated and all you need is a telephone. When you register we will send you a phone number that you will call five minutes prior to the start of your teleconference. You will have the opportunity to ask questions, but if you prefer to just listen that’s all right too. You do not need a computer or Internet, only a telephone. Don’t delay. There are a limited number of slots available.
Goal Setting & Attainment Are you serious about attaining your goals next year? Do you want to do more than make a New Year's Resolution that you forget by the time the Super Bowl is on television? Join me on the free teleconference to learn my time-tested 7-Step process for Goal Attainment. We will do more than set goals--we will discuss a system to implement that will exponentially increase your opportunity for success. Also, my Goal Attainment System is multi-faceted. You won't just be focusing your attention on your career goals unless you want to. My system has you take a look at all areas of your life so you can accomplish an optimal work/life balance for you. There is nothing to lose but an hour of your time and so much to gain. Let's make this your best year yet! |
Relationship Empowerment
December 1 , 2008
Chicago, IL-- Prairie State College—Matteson Center
7:00 - 9:00 PM CT
$29.00 (Bring your partner or a guest for free)
So often, couples get stuck in a rut where each individual is waiting for the other to change their ways. In this workshop, participants will learn to engage in the seven caring habits by following the Platinum Rule: Do unto others as they would have you do unto them. Gender differences in relationships will be explored. Participants will learn the three possible relationship choices. Participants will learn a negotiation strategy so both partners win. People will leave knowing that they have the power to change their relationships regardless of what their partners do.
Empowerment Parenting
December 3 , 2008
Chicago, IL-- Prairie State College—Matteson Center
7:00 - 9:00 PM CT
$29.00 (Bring your partner or a guest for free)
This workshop helps parents to understand the psychology behind what is happening with their children at various stages. Parents will learn how to align themselves with their child’s resistance for increased cooperation and compliance. Parents will learn how to sacrifice what they want now—strict compliance, for what they REALLY want—a responsible, caring, child who is capable of making rational decisions. Empowerment Parenting teaches parents simple skills and strategies for helping their children successfully make it through the challenging phases of their lives. Parenting children is no easy task. They don’t come with an instruction manual. Times are different that when your parents parented you! Empowerment parenting shows parents how to compromise and negotiate with their children as they gradually increase freedom as their child demonstrates the responsible behavior to handle and appropriately manage that freedom. This is a challenging way to parent. It is truly parenting for the 21st century.
************************
Chats
All times listed in EST
Kim will be available in her chat room for questions and dialog on the following dates and times:
All Chats are from
7:30 - 8:30 p.m. EST
December 2, 2008
December 9, 2008
December 16, 2008
December 23, 2008
December 30, 2008
Inside Out
Personal Edition
“You can't change the direction of the wind. . .
but you can adjust your sails!”
---Jimmy Dean
Kim Olver, MS, NCC, LPC
www.TheRelationshipCenter.biz
Kim@TheRelationshipCenter.biz
November 26 , 2008 - Volume 4, Issue 9
A Message from Kim
Hi Everyone,
We are entering a special holiday season in the US and elsewhere. We will soon have Thanksgiving, Christmas, Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, and New Year's. All of these holidays create a time to be with loved ones and to reflect on our lives, our families and our relationships. This issue of "Inside Out" is devoted to relationships.
As many of you already know, I am working on my second book entitled, Secrets of Successful Relationships, and I am looking for 1000 couples who have been together 10 years and would still say they are happy and satisfied with their relationship to take my anonymous, online survey. I have had a good response thus far and every time I speak somewhere, I get more volunteers to take the survey but I am still far short of my goal of 1000 couples. I am hoping that any of you who qualify will send me an email letting me know of your willingness to complete the survey and if you know others who qualify, please ask them and then send me their email addresses. I am giving an electronic copy of the book to anyone who completes the survey and a hard copy of the book to the 100 couples I interview for inclusion in the book. This is a book I believe will be very helpful to people who want to improve things with their partners but don't know how. I'm not going to write what I believe will help. I'm going to summarize what the experts say.
I wish you all wonderful holidays filled with love, life and accomplishments. However, if you find yourself sad and lonely this holiday season, find someone worse off than you and volunteer some time, energy and resources to helping those less fortunate. I guarantee doing so will make your holiday season more full. Reach out!
Make today the day you want it to be!
Unleash the power within you.
Kim Olver
Feature Article
Relationships:
Whose Problem is It?
by Kim Olver
In relationships, it is not uncommon for couples to have difficulties. Sometimes there are things your partner does that drives you crazy! In my work with couples, a common, innocent complaint of women is that their husbands don’t put their dirty clothes in the hamper. They will leave their dirty clothes on the floor right next to the hamper but just won’t take that extra step to get them in the hamper. This seems like such a simple issue but I have heard some women on the verge of divorce or a mental breakdown over this simple issue.
Now, I want to give men equal time here. One of the problems men complain about is their wife’s inability to put gas in their car. She will often drive around with the red “low gas” light on and it drives husbands wild! This seems like another simple thing but it has placed a huge strain on many relationships.
When I ask the question, “Whose problem is it,” what I am really asking is, “Whose most upset by this problem”? Well, in the case of the dirty clothes, it’s the woman who is upset. In the case of the empty gas tank, it’s the man who is upset. Do you think the man is sitting at work upset because he left his dirty clothes on the floor? I doubt he even gives them a second thought once they are off his body. And as for the woman, I don’t think she’s sitting at home thinking, “Oh darn, I forgot to stop for gas and now my sweetie is out driving our car and there’s no gas”! No, in this situation, she is likely oblivious to the gas situation.
If we can agree that the person with the problem is the person most upset by the issue, then we can get somewhere. If there is a person in the relationship who is upset with the other person because of something he or she does or does not do, then it is the first person’s problem. One of the biggest mistakes we make in relationships is having inaccurate problem definition.
However, what commonly happens is that if I am upset by something you do, then I am certain YOU are the problem and I am going to do all in my power to ensure you understand just how much of a problem you are. I am taking my problem and trying my hardest to make it your problem. If you are on the receiving end of my frustration, you have three common responses. You can ignore my attempts at making you responsible for my issue, you can accept it’s your problem and attempt to fix it, or you can fight back and resist my attempts to make you guilty.
In each of those situations, we both lose. It may look like I win if you choose the second choice but do I really? Even if you fix the problem as I’ve identified it, how are you feeling about me? Probably you are resentful of my methods. You may not like having to do something you don’t think is important. You may even find me unreasonable in my requests, thinking I don’t have my priorities straight. This will do nothing to strengthen our relationship. So, even if I think I’ve “won” something, our relationship has suffered and so I lose.
The only way I see to have a winning outcome is for the person who is most upset to accept that the problem belongs to him or her. Instead of trying to get your partner to fix your problem, accept responsibility for its solution. Pick up the clothes. Fill the gas tank. Whatever the issue is, fix it. And while you’re at it, leave the resentment behind. Don’t get angry because your partner doesn’t see the world the same way you do. Don’t be frustrated that your priorities are different.
If you truly love this person, then accept him or her as he or she is. Stop trying to change your partner. Fix the things that annoy you gratefully. Be happy that you have this wonderful person in your life. You will be less frustrated and a better person with whom to live. Your relationship will prosper.
About Kim OlverKim Olver is a life coach and public speaker who has a graduate degree in counseling, is a National Certified Counselor and a licensed professional counselor in two states. She has worked in the helping profession since 1982 and has spent her entire life helping people get along better with the important people in their lives. Kim works with couples, parents and children, and individuals seeking to improve their lives. Check out her Relationships from the Inside Out products. |
Click here to read some of Kim's other articles
Quote of the Month
"Our ultimate freedom is the right and power to decide how anybody or anything outside ourselves will affect us."
--Stephen Covey
In this quote, Covey is telling us that it is possible for us to decide how others will affect us. This is ultimate freedom. No one can "make" you happy, sad, angry or lonely. YOU do that to yourself. It is not what happens to you but the meaning you assign to what happens. If something your partner does irritates you, then figure out what you can do to eliminate that irritation. Often the problem is within your power to fix. You just don't want to. Make a decision to be responsible for those things you can control and do something proactive to fix it. You will be much happier for it.
Book Review
Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage
by Dr. Kevin Leman
I loved this book! It was written by a Christian man who believes couples should only be sexual within the institution of marriage. He tells readers if they are not married they shouldn't read his book. I believe this book is a great book for committed couples, whether married or not, but that is just my opinion.
Dr. Lehman talks about sex in a very real and candid way. He helps women understand their husbands, and men to understand their wives. Obviously men and women are different in their sexual needs. Dr. Lehman uses Biblical scripture to support what he shares in this insightful book.
Join our book club at Inside Out Central
Tip of the Month
During this Thanksgiving season and every day, take time to account for those things for which you are grateful. Today you woke up. You were able to get out of bed. You can breathe and enjoy the weather, whatever it is. You may have food to eat and a place to lay your head. You have people in your life who care about you. You may have meaningful work.
No matter what your situation is, it can always be worse. So if you tend to feel sorry for the circumstances of your life, think about how fortunate you are that things aren't even worse. Tally up all there is for you to be thankful for. I had a day recently where I was feeling a little down, wondering how I was going to pay some bills. Someone sent me an email of a motivational speaker who was born without arms or legs and he was grateful for his existence and had made his life incredibly meaningful.
It helps puts things in perspective. You can always find someone in worse shape than you and offer to help in some way. Give gratitude for all you DO have and stop giving time and attention to those things you DON'T have. You'll instantly be more satisfied.
Relationship Q & A
Question: On August 10, 2008 I lost my boyfriend of 27 months. Before his death, Wiley and I lived together with our 3 dogs and 2 roommates. Wiley was from a city about 100 miles from where we were living and we hadn't been able to travel down very often to see his close-friends and family. Throughout our 2+ years together Wiley and I had faced our ups and downs. I was finishing college and he was just starting. One of our major issues was Wiley's habit of lying to me about money. We had a joint checking account that Wiley repeatedly dipped into causing us to be unable to pay bills on time. 2 weeks before his death I found out he had lied to me yet again, although this time it did not really put us in any kind of finanical trouble, I had decided that I was done with the lying and being put as a second to him wanting to be with his friends and spending freely. For the first time in our relationship I was 100% sure I wanted to break up. So we did. A week later he came back for his things, when leaving he asked for a hug in which case I laughed at him and said "no".
During that week I had realized that in order to keep with my original wish of wanting it to be over between us I had to stay angry at him, because in my heart I wanted nothing more than to be back with him. I knew that he needed time to grow up and realize that a relationship could not function without trust. 7 days later I received the call that he was dead. At 22 he was killed in a motorcycle accident in which a truck pulled out in front of him and took his life. I have come to terms with his death (for the most part) and realize that the reason for our break up was because it was the only way he would have been able to see his family and friends before he left us. A month later I met Jon, a friend of a friend's of Wiley's who I had never met but Wiley had once or twice. I made it very clear to Jon what my situation was and that I wasn't looking for anything, now 2 months later I have seen Jon every weekend since we met (as we live in different cities).
I am the first real relationship that he has been involved in and he is beginning to say "I love you" Jon is so sincere and treats me better than I could ever ask for, deep down I truely feel that I was meant to meet him becuase of the help he has provided me, bringing me out of the depression I was in after losing Wiley. Jon has shown me that I am my own person and that I did not die in that accident, I still have a purpose here. My concern however is that I am not ready to be in love. I love hanging out with Jon and we are intamite with eachother. We have very open lines of communication but I just don't want to hurt him. I feel like I let him get in too deep too fast, but I just didn't see it happening. He is the best thing I have right now but I am beginning to realize that I still need time and that I may value him more as a friend than a lover.
Not sure what to do, Please help!
Answer: I am very sorry to hear of your loss. Losing someone you love can be extremely painful.
It can be particularly painful when the death occurs suddenly and your relationship
wasn't in order. I know you say you have come to terms with his death (for the most part)
but I believe there are several levels of grieving and you may have a few more levels to
go.
As for Jon, I find that some people feel better when replacing a loved one. It is not unlike some families who experience the loss of a special family pet. Some go right out and find a new dog, while others can't even bear the thought of a replacement until they have worked through the loss. Neither way is right or wrong, it's just different. You were honest with Jon. You didn't mislead him. (I am not implying your loss was in any way comparable to the loss of a pet, but I am saying that people grieve in their own way. Give yourself permission to do it the way that feels right to you.)
After my husband died, I went on a date two months later. I realized it was too soon for me and I didn't do it again for several months. You have to determine what feels best for you.
You have a special friend in Jon. He says he loves you, you share intimacy but now you are thinking you should end the intimate part of your relationship. The advice I would have for you is to sit still for a minute without Jon around and really make an inventory of exactly what you need right now.
Jon sounds like a great guy. He may even be someone you could share your life with. And there is a lot to be said for timing. Perhaps right now isn't the time for you to make that kind of commitment. Maybe it is. Make a list of what you want right now. Once you are clear, let Jon know what you need. If he loves you, he should be able to respect your wishes. If you decide to continue on as friends, perhaps you will come to mean more to each other again over time. Who knows? The important thing right now is to become as clear as possible about what will help you most right now and stay true to that.
Subscribe to receive Inside Out
Copyright © Coaching for Excellence, LLC. All rights reserved