In this Issue
Feature Article
Relationships: Physical Compatibility
by Kim Olver
Workshops
Quote of the Month
"Relationships are difficult, time-consuming, baffling, and sometimes..."
--Martha Beck
Book Review
The Great Sex For Life Toolkit
by Krisanna Jeffery
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Upcoming
Events
Click on title of class for more information and to register or visit
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ALL TIMES IN EST
All teleconferences are one (1) hour in length unless otherwise stated and all you need is a telephone. When you register we will send you a phone number that you will call five minutes prior to the start of your teleconference. You will have the opportunity to ask questions, but if you prefer to just listen that’s all right too. You do not need a computer or Internet, only a telephone. Don’t delay. There are a limited number of slots available.
Inside Out Ongoing Mastermind Group, offered the second Tuesday of every month. Anyone can join in to learn about the process of IOE, Inside Out Empowerment and how it can open your heart, free your mind and transform your life.
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Relationship Empowerment
April 6, 2009
Chicago, IL-- Prairie State College—Matteson Center
7:00 - 9:00 PM CT
$29.00 (Bring your partner or a guest for free)
So often, couples get stuck in a rut where each individual is waiting for the other to change their ways. In this workshop, participants will learn to engage in the seven caring habits by following the Platinum Rule: Do unto others as they would have you do unto them. Gender differences in relationships will be explored. Participants will learn the three possible relationship choices. Participants will learn a negotiation strategy so both partners win. People will leave knowing that they have the power to change their relationships regardless of what their partners do.
Introduction to Choice Theory©
April 6, 2009
Chicago, IL-- Prairie State College—Matteson Center
9:00 a.m. - 4:00 p.m. CT
$69.00
Choice Theory® takes the mystery out of behavior—yours and theirs. It provides and explanation for why we do the things we do. Choice Theory ® explains how a person’s perceptions shape their reality and teaches the four components of behavior. Armed with this new knowledge, problem conceptualization becomes much easier and the path to taking effective action is clearer.
One of the things I like best about Choice Theory® is its wide-spread application—you can use it in your personal, as well as your professional life. It provides transferable skills for everyday life. Choice Theory® helped me to become a better counselor, mother, life partner, friend and a better all around person. When you truly embrace its teachings, Choice Theory® becomes a way of life instead of a hypothetical theory of human behavior.
Empowerment Parenting
April 7, 2009
Chicago, IL-- Prairie State College—Matteson Center
7:00 - 9:00 PM CT
$29.00 (Bring your partner or a guest for free)
This workshop helps parents to understand the psychology behind what is happening with their children at various stages. Parents will learn how to align themselves with their child’s resistance for increased cooperation and compliance. Parents will learn how to sacrifice what they want now—strict compliance, for what they REALLY want—a responsible, caring, child who is capable of making rational decisions. Empowerment Parenting teaches parents simple skills and strategies for helping their children successfully make it through the challenging phases of their lives. Parenting children is no easy task. They don’t come with an instruction manual. Times are different that when your parents parented you! Empowerment parenting shows parents how to compromise and negotiate with their children as they gradually increase freedom as their child demonstrates the responsible behavior to handle and appropriately manage that freedom. This is a challenging way to parent. It is truly parenting for the 21st century.
Goal Attainment
April 8, 2009 - 6:30 p.m. - 9:30 p.m. CT
Chicago, IL-- Prairie State College—Matteson Center
7:00 - 9:00 p.m. CT
$39.00
Every year millions of people make their “New Year’s Resolutions” and every year many of those same people make the same resolution again. Are you one of those people? Do you know why you are not achieving your goals year after year? I know you start out the year strong and determined that this will be the year you will lose weight, go back to school, buy a home, look for a new job, complete that project etc… and you suddenly find another year has gone by and your list is not only the same, but it has gotten longer! You have new goals to achieve. That is why it is so important to work on your goals now!
You are constantly learning and growing and there will always be a new goal you want to achieve. You can attain your goals year after year with a effective, time-tested system—a plan with built in support and accountability. Attaining your goals requires hard work and determination. You need to plan and make time to work on your goals. They will not just happen. My Goal Attainment Workshop will give you the strategies you need to make a plan, manage your time while still maintaining a positive attitude and staying motivated until you complete your goals.
Inside Out
Personal Edition
“You can't change the direction of the wind. . .
but you can adjust your sails!”
---Jimmy Dean
Kim Olver, MS, NCC, LPC
www.TheRelationshipCenter.biz
Kim@TheRelationshipCenter.biz
April 1 , 2009 - Volume 5, Issue 3
A Message from Kim
Hi Everyone,
I am so excited about nearing the end of my research with Secrets of Successful Relationships. I am close to my goal of having 100 couples take my survey. And let me tell you. . .it has NOT been easy. I set some fairly stringent criterion. I didn't know how stringent it was until I started talking to couples.
First of all, finding couples who had been together at least 10 years was relatively easy. Then asking them the question, "Are you happy and satisfied with your relationship?" was quite interesting. Many people would say, "Happy AND satisfied?" Others would say, "Well you know things aren't perfect." Sometimes one person would be happy and satisfied and the other wasn't. I did my best to ask them separately.
So, let's say they passed the 10 years together, happy and satisfied test, then I had to get over the hurtle of whether or not they would take my online survey. Some people just plain don't have computer skills. Others did not want to take the time to do it. Some felt it was too personal. Then, there were others who agreed but once they saw, they decided not to do it, often without sharing their reasons.
So. . .it has been a long and interesting journey. Also, I have not made it to 100 couples yet, so I'm still appealing to you, my readers, if you are a qualifying couple or if you know someone else you believe is, please ask them to email me at kim@therelationshipcenter.biz with their names and separate email addresses. I would really appreciate it.
Anyone who completes the survey will receive an electronic copy of the book when it's complete and those I go on to interview more in depth will receive an autographed hard copy of the completed book.
Thank you in advance for your help. It is much appreciated.
Make today the day you want it to be!
Unleash the power within you.
Kim Olver
Feature Article
Relationships: Physical Compatibility
by Kim Olver
How important is physical compatibility in relationships? Well, it depends on the couple. For some people their physicality is of utmost importance to them. When it is, they often want their partner to engage in many of their activities with them. For some couples the physical nature of their relationship is not important to either of them. And for some couples, if one rates the physical aspect high and the other one doesn’t, happy satisfied couples have found ways to satisfy that physical element outside of their relationship.
I have done research with couples who self-identify as happy and satisfied after being together at least ten years. One area I ask about is their satisfaction in the physical area. This can encompass many things. It can mean sexual compatibility. It can mean being satisfied with each other’s overall health and level of activity. It can translate into satisfaction with romance or public displays of affection or lack thereof. It could mean satisfaction with one’s partner’s physical appearance.
The one aspect of physical compatibility that seems to be most important is sexual compatibility. The vast majority of the couples I interviewed reported not having other intimate relationships outside of their committed one. They also reported a healthy sex life, well into their later years.
As author, Kevin Lehman writes in his book Sheet Music, sex in a marriage is very important and necessary to a man. He believes a woman who denies her man enthusiastic involvement in the sexual act is like a man who refuses to talk to his partner. As a general rule, women need communication and men need physical connection. That is not to say women don’t enjoy sex and men don’t like to communicate. It’s just the general trend among the genders.
I also interviewed couples who both reported sex was no longer a part of their relationship and they were both at peace with that fact. I even interviewed one couple who were married as heterosexuals. He underwent a sex change operation and is now a woman. They have remained a lesbian couple and the wife also satisfies her sexual desires with a man and her partner fully sanctions that activity.
Other aspects of the sexual area to consider are frequency, duration and creativity. All of these are things that couples should discuss and come to agreement about. If one person wants to explore all manner of sexual activity with his or her partner and the other partner is interested only in the missionary position, then that relationship may be in for some rocky roads.
Romance, foreplay and public displays of affection are also areas where it is helpful to find agreement with your partner.
Compatibility in the sexual area is critical to relationship success but the level of activity is defined by the couples themselves.
Sometimes couples highly value the external appearance of their partner. They want the partner whose look is pleasing to him or her. I interviewed a couple who are both 88 years old, married 56 years. When they were married, the husband loved the way his wife looked. Her beauty was very important to him and he referred to her as his “pin up girl.” Do you know now, 56 years later, he still refers to her as his “pin up girl”? That is a man who was able to adjust and expand his physical expectations to match the maturation of their relationship. Contrast that with a person who gets together with his or her partner based strictly on external beauty. Once that beauty begins to fade, as it inevitably will, he or she will be looking for the next partner to replace the aging one. For some couples, the outer beauty of a person is not important for either of them. And for still other couples, external beauty is of the utmost importance and they are very conscious of their weight, nutrition and may have cosmetic surgery to assist in maintaining their beauty.
A final area to look at is health and fitness. What I found in my research is that for many people who value this aspect of life, they were attracted to partners who did also. This makes the relationship smooth in this area. They often engage in common activities of fitness. They may like to hike, bike, swim, lift weights, and go to the gym together. They may even engage in their activities with other people and that is fine as long as they are maintaining their overall health and fitness. They also generally agree on their nutritional choices.
If this is an area that is not important to either couple, then there is no issue here and they are compatible in their indifference to health and fitness. What challenges and potentially strains a relationship is when one person values this and the other doesn’t. I saw this more with older couples where one partner was perhaps more overweight and in poorer health. One person becomes worried about their partner’s health and mortality.
The bottom line is that different things work for different couples. While some highly value aspects of this physical area and want their partners to value it too, some couples are able to enjoy the aspects of their physical life that are important to them while allowing their partner to do what’s important to him or her. And there are yet other couples who do not value this area at all. The couples who reported being happy and satisfied with their relationship did not have conflict in this area. Either they were compatible in this area or they simply allowed each other to fully express themselves in this area as they saw fit.
Copyright © April 2009 Kim Olver. All rights reserved.
About Kim OlverKim Olver is a life coach and public speaker who has a graduate degree in counseling, is a National Certified Counselor and a licensed professional counselor in two states. She has worked in the helping profession since 1982 and has spent her entire life helping people get along better with the important people in their lives. Kim works with couples, parents and children, and individuals seeking to improve their lives. Check out her Relationships from the Inside Out products. |
Click here to read some of Kim's other articles
Quote of the Month
"Relationships are difficult, time-consuming, baffling, and sometimes heartbreaking. They're also what make life worth living."
--Martha Beck
Relationships are truly what makes life worth living. Yes, they can be painful. No, they aren't always easy but many things worth having require effort. Relationships need to be nurtured in order to grow and thrive. How much effort are you willing to put into your important relationships? Do you think they run on autopilot or do you prioritize them?
Book Review
The Great Sex For Life Toolkit
by Krisanna Jeffery
I found this book a great explanation of how people can improve their sex lives done in a very tasteful and scientific way. Ms. Jeffery explains the male and female sexual response in detail that was never provided to me in health class. I actually learned some things! She discusses the physical, intellectual and emotional blocks that can get in the way of individuals realizing their full sexual potential.
She writes about the beauty of discussing these things with one's partner and ways to increase our sexual communication with each other. She discusses maximizing one's sexual experience through breathing and presence. Ms. Jeffery mentions things that couples can do to create novelty in their sex life. She even covers the often missed topic of sex in our golden years.
Included in the book is a DVD of one of her live seminars and a self-hypnosis CD for improving one's sexual response through relaxation.
Overall, I found this book to be helpful for anyone looking for a deeper understanding of the sexual experience and ways to enhance it.
Click here to order Great Sex for Life
Tip of the Month
One of the basic concepts of Inside Out Empowerment is the only person's behavior you can control is your own, and two aspects of your behavior you have direct control over are your actions and your thoughts.
Have you ever not been "in the mood" for intimacy with your partner? Of course you have. Do you think denial of your partner's desires strengthens or challenges your relationship? Do you think going through the motions grudgingly or robotically strengthens or challenges the relationship? Both of these choices can strain the relationship.
I am not advocating being intimate when you are resolutely against it. However, for those times when you are just "not in the mood", ask yourself if you can change that feeling by changing your thoughts or your behavior. If instead of thinking, " I really don't want to," you instead direct your thoughts to things you love and appreciate about your partner, your mood is likely to change.
Try it and let me know how it goes.
Relationship Q & A
Question: Infidelity
reason 1. women out number men and men know it.
reason 2. men enjoy the challenge of a new conquest.
reason 3. women put up with it.
holla back Love Doc.
Answer: I do believe what you say can be representative of a relatively younger man's experience. I didn't hear you emphasize the biological aspect of cheating. Some place strong emphasis on biological factors. For the survival of the human species, some believe men are programmed to impregnate as many females as possible, while females are biologically wired to be loyal and faithful to ensure her man's protection. This may play a factor, too. There are many cultures where this is accepted practice.
As for the more mature male, often he has less of a desire to conquer multiple women and more of a desire for a deeper connection with a soul mate. This happens to many around mid-life but not always. At that time, many men realize it's relatively easy to find willing sexual partners. That begins to lose its novelty. What he really wants is someone to share every aspect of his life with. A woman to support him in his life goals, someone to share intimacy with, and someone to talk with.
Your assessment is right, however, if we are looking at some younger men. I also think another reason is lack of respect. A man wants his woman to respect him and if he isn't feeling that, he will seek it elsewhere.
Another scenario that sometimes happens is that a man in midlife who married young and has been faithful to his wife begins to wonder what he's missed. He may realize he and his wife no longer know each other or that she has always prioritized the children and he needs something more.
I don't want to make this answer too long but I also don't want to ignore that fact that women can be unfaithful also, but let's leave that for another time.
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