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Inside Out Personal Edition “You can't change the direction of the wind. . . but you can adjust your sails!” ---Jimmy Dean Kim Olver, MS, NCC, LPC www.TheRelationshipCenter.biz Kim@TheRelationshipCenter.biz
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| This Month's Feature FREE Teleconference Choice Theory & Reality Therapy
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A Message from Kim I want to start with an apology for being late with this newsletter. I have had some Internet challenges this month which have hopefully been rectified. I was experiencing a lot of difficulty with my email. Some email people sent me did not get delivered and consequently, some responses I send were never received. In speaking with my hosting company, it was recommended that I get a dedicated server to hopefully cut down on this problem. I had my assistant move The Relationship Center to this server and believe things will go more smoothly now. However, in the process of moving the site, all my email was lost and the blog is currently in transition and not accessible at this time. Please be patient; I believe this problem will be corrected within the week. However, if you have sent me email to which I have not responded, please be advised that either I never received it or it was lost so please resend. It is important to me to maintain contact and to respond within 48 hours to anyone who contacts me. This week's newsletter is about parenting. It was prompted by a subscriber asking me what I thought of the Love & Logic parenting method. I had a rudimentary understanding of it but wanted to be fair so I reviewed the book and recorded my thoughts. Another thing that happened this month is we got a new conference line. All of our calls from now on will be occurring at 1-218-486-1300. I apologize if this caused any confusion for people in the change over. Some of you may have received the old conference number when you registered for the class and later received the new number in your reminder on the day of the class. Well, we are in transition, expanding and working to make things better and more user-friendly for you, our customers. If you have any suggestions, please don't hesitate to let me know and they will be taken under advisement. Make
today the day you want it to be!
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Hi Everyone, 
In this Issue "If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself but to your own estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment." --Marcus Aurelius Book Review
Relationship Q&A About Kim Olver Relationships On-going teleconference, offered the second Tuesday Setting & Attainment For those of you who are having less than stellar performance with accomplishing your goals on your own, you have another opportunity to get the support and accountability you need to be successful. Are you serious about attaining your goals next year? Do you want to do more than make a New Year's Resolution that you forget by the time the Super Bowl is on television? Join me on the free teleconference to learn my time-tested 7-Step process for Goal Attainment. We will do more than set goals--we will discuss a system to implement that will expoentially increase your opportunity for success. Also, my Goal Attainment System is multi-faceted. You won't just be focusing your attention on your career goals unless you want to. My system has you take a look at all areas of your life so you can accomplish an optimal work/life balance for you. There is nothing to lose but an hour of your time nd so much to gain. Let's make this year your best year yet! Empowerment Parenting You cannot continue to parent your children the way you did when they were younger children, or even the way your parents parented you. The world is different! Children are different! If you do not learn new innovations in parenting, your efforts will likely be ineffective at best, and actually destructive at their worst. Join us for this teleconference and learn about the inherent conflict between parents and their children, as well as ways to circumvent it. You can reasonably insure your child’s safety and still maintain a positive relationship.
Inside Out Thinking Do you find that your happiness is often contingent on people, circumstances or things that you have no control over? Do you feel like life is just passing you by while you wait for.... Inside Out Thinking is such a powerful way to unleash your personal power in a big way. Take control of your life. Anger Management Do you have trouble controlling your temper? Do others tell you that you have anger management issues? Are you someone who is confronted with angry people in the course of your life? Spouses, children, extended family members, neighbors, community members who have tempers and like to yell at you? Want to learn ways to take the wind out their sails and have them communicating more cooperatively? Then this class is for you! Relationships from the Learn the skills you need to create the relationship you deserve. Learn about the seven deadly relationship habits and how to replace them with loving and caring habits. Start improving that elationship you have with your significant other by registering for this amazing class today. ************************
Foster Parenting Teleconference Series Six (6) Week teleseries. Click on link for more information or to purchase. Foster Parent Agencies - Please click here to order this teleseries ****************** Click on the links for more information and to purchase Relationship Empowerment Self-Development Empowerment Parenting Cultural Awareness ****************** Kim will be available in her chat room for questions and dialog on the following dates and times: All Chats are from
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Parenting
While we have been discussing the inherent differences between men and women in relationships, as well as the importance of need strength compatibility, there are still many areas that routinely stress the strongest of relationships. Parenting styles and expectations often top the list.
While need strength is important in determining compatibility, you still need to look at the quality world pictures or exactly how a person decides to meet their needs. A prime example would be having two people, both with a high need for fun. He likes to get his fun need met by going out to bars with his male friends and going to football games and she enjoys shopping and attending the opera. Both have a high need for fun but they choose to get their needs met in vastly different ways, making their mutual satisfaction, at least with each other, highly unlikely.
In the area of parenting, there are generally three styles of parenting that experts discuss. They have various names but they are generally called the autocratic, democratic and permissive styles of parenting. I teach a democratic style of parenting that is based in Dr. William Glasser’s Choice Theory that I call Empowerment Parenting. Autocratic parents adopt an attitude of “My way or the highway.” These parents can often be heard saying things like, “As long as you live under my roof, you will do what I say,” and “Do it because I said so,” and “I don’t want to hear it. End of discussion. Period.” These parents do not love their children any less but they operate from a faulty mindset that if they don’t control every aspect of their children’s lives, then the children will obviously run amok. These parents believe that it is their responsibility to teach their children discipline and responsibility and if they listen to what their children have to say, they are in danger of being manipulated.
The permissive parent is at the opposite end of the continuum. These parents want to avoid conflict at all cost. Their belief is that the best way to parent their children is to be their child’s best friend. They think that if they allow their children to do what they want, then the children will like them and tell them things that these parents want to know. There is another variety of permissive parent and that is the uninvolved parent. These are the parents who have other interests that take priority over raising their children. They are workaholics, have a large investment in their significant other relationship, or possibly have some sort of addition. These children are pretty left to their own devices to raise themselves as their parents are too busy or too distracted to notice. Either way, children are left without boundaries and without boundaries, children do not feel safe.
Research supports that the best results are seen with democratic parenting. In this parenting style, the parent is still the parent, not the best friend. However, the parents are very concerned with what their children need and provide them with opportunities for success. Parents focus mostly on keeping their children safe, while allowing them exploration to discover life and to make mistakes while the consequences are small.
In my marriage, I believe both my husband and I started out wanting to be democratic parents to a certain degree. Over time, what happened is that I leaned more in the direction of a permissive style and he moved more in the direction of an autocratic style. He would say that he had to be autocratic to counterbalance my permissiveness and I would say I was permissive to counter his authoritarianism. It is impossible to tell which came first but this conflict in parenting styles can create great conflict in a relationship where partners are parenting.
When in a relationship with someone, it can be helpful to have a conversation about how each of you were parented. It is not a hard and fast rule but many times people parent in the way they were parented or they will parent in an exact opposite way from their parents. Both methods are intricately tied to the parenting methods of their parents. Find out what was acceptable and what wasn’t acceptable in your partner’s family. Inquire as to his or her opinion of the family rules and discipline methods.
My husband believed in physical punishment, stating it was good enough for him. He turned out OK. I was in the field of child welfare and it was my firm belief that I did not want to have my children spanked. I believed all spanking taught them is that “might makes right.” I wanted them to learn how to think for themselves and to have good relationships with their father and me. My husband would agree that he wanted them to think for themselves but his belief was that letting them know who was boss and teaching them right from wrong through punishment would accomplish the same end.
The problem with parenting is that we are operating from experience and what we believe is best. I know very few parents who deliberately set out to ruin their children’s lives or make things difficult for them. Most parents want what is best for their children. The problem is that very often mothers and fathers disagree the methods used to get there.
I also believe that parenting needs to be adjusted for the situation, the age and maturity level of the child, as well as the different children themselves. I had two boys who were close in age but very different in personalities. What worked effectively for one child did not work for the other. We have situational leadership in the field of supervision; I believe in situational parenting in terms of raising children. I believe that treating children the same can be the most unfair thing we can do as a parent. Not all children should be treated the same in order for things to be fair.
There are so many variables to consider in parenting. What rules are appropriate for what ages? Do you believe girls and boys should be treated the same or should the rules vary by gender? What discipline method to you believe in? What does respect look like to you and how will you command it? What activities do you think are reasonable for a child to participate in? What are your thoughts about gift giving? Do you get involved with school problems or do you allow the school to handle those? What are your thoughts about family activities and their frequency? Many of these questions and more are not asked when getting to know your partner.
Frequently what happens is you may ask do you want to have children and if so, how many do you want. You watch your partner around other people’s children and make an inference that he or she will behave consistent with your children. This is a major important area left up to chance.
When in a relationship if you are planning to have children, spend some time talking about your belief and value systems as they pertain to children. It will be time well spent. And if you find areas that are discrepant, don’t ignore them. Continue to discuss them until you reach a consensus with which you can live.
NOTICE: This article is free and can be copied and reproduced as long as the copyright and bio is included at the bottom of the article
****************************** "If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself but to your own estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment." --Marcus Aurelius This quote speaks to the answer I give this month in the Q & A section. When we allow things outside ourselves, such as our children's behavior, to upset us, it is not the children who are causing the pain. It is our translation of it and guess what? We can change our estimation of our frustration or disappointment over what our children do simply by changing our thoughts.
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Parenting with Love & Logic Love & Logic is similar to Empowerment Parenting, Peaceful Parenting and Choice Theory Parenting. The main difference is with Love & Logic, there are still times that don’t necessarily have to do with safety when you are forcing a child to do something he or she doesn’t want to do. If you put the child in their room and they won’t stay there, Love & Logic recommends locking them in while you stand nearby for safety’s sake. Parents throw out choices and if the child doesn’t choose a choice they can enact under their own steam, then the parent takes over and often bodily moves the child. The authors claim this will only have to happen a couple times before the child learns. I like Love & Logic—it is the parenting method closest to Empowerment Parenting I have found but its premise is still basically that the parents’ needs are more important than the child’s. I am not saying the child’s needs should be more important than the parents’ either. I believe that each person getting their needs met is equally important. In Empowerment Parenting, parents are not attempting to make their child do things he or she doesn’t want to do and they stay focused on what the parents can do differently, rather than trying to control the child—unless, of course, safety is an issue. Whenever safety is an issue, parents must exert external control, and sometimes physically control their child to keep him or her safe. However, this is the only time an empowered parent uses the physical force card. So, while I like Love & Logic for many of its ideas, I disagree with their use of force and control and making the parents’ needs more important than the child’s. Click here to order this book
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How many rules do you have for your children? If you have an overabundance of rules, it may mean that you are actually creating the very behavior you are trying to regulate. All humans have a need for freedom. Some of us have a stronger need for freedom than others. My youngest son had a very high need for freedom while my oldest son didn't have as high a need. Take a child with a high need for freedom, give them lots of rules that impinge their freedom and perhaps the only behavior left to him to get his freedom need met is to break your rules. If you have less rules and allow more freedom while still ensuring safety, then the child can legitimately get his need for freedom met and won't have to fight you to do so. He will actually engage in less resistant behavior because there is nothing he has to fight against. Try it and let me know what happens. **********************
Q: I was listening to what you said today and I just want to be sure I understand you. If my daughter is not keeping her room clean, you are saying that is MY problem? A: Absolutely! Do you want to know why? When you don't like what you child is choosing to do, you make it personal. You believe he or she is doing or not doing what you want to make your life unhappy and in reality, that is most likely not true. Our children do everything they do as their best attempt to meet their needs at that point in time. Therefore if you daughter is not cleaning her room, the question is what is she doing instead? Probably, talking to her friends on the phone or computer, watching TV, dancing to music, playing games, etc. These are the things that are need satisfying to her. Cleaning her room is not and that has nothing to do with you. If you are upset that she is not cleaning her room, since you are the one upset--you are the one with the problem. I'll bet your daughter isn't even remotely concerned that her room is messy. One of the problems is that this is your problem but you are trying to make it hers. If you take responsibility for your problem and its subsequent solution, then you will understand that the solution is yours to formulate. You can decide to allow her room to be her domain and close the door. You can continue to nag her until she cleans it and is angry with you for taking her away for the things she really wants to do. You can punish her, ground her, not let her go anywhere until it is done. Again, she will develop deep-seated resentment toward you. You can clean her room yourself. There are numerous solutions but once you recognize this is your problem, then you can go about creating the solution. |