In this Issue
Feature Article
Love and the Caring Habits Part Two
by Kim Olver
Teleconferences
Workshops
"Love is a choice and cannot be coerced."
-Gary Chapman
Book Review
The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfult Commitment to Your Mate
by Gary Chapman
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Upcoming
Events
Click on title of class for more information and to register or visit
www.TheRelationshipCenter.biz
ALL TIMES IN EST
Teleconferences
All teleconferences are one (1) hour in length unless otherwise stated and all you need is a telephone. When you register we will send you a phone number that you will call five minutes prior to the start of your teleconference. You will have the opportunity to ask questions, but if you prefer to just listen that’s all right too. You do not need a computer or Internet, only a telephone. Don’t delay. There are a limited number of slots available.
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The following teleconferences
are FREE (except the parenting teleconference series)
Click on the link for a full description and to register
Relationships
the Choice Theory Way
On-going teleconference, offered the second Tuesday of every month. Anyone can join in to learn about creating more effective relationships or to get relationship question answered.
Next Class:
January 15 , 2007
8:45 - 9:45 p.m. EST
Goal Setting & Attainment
January 8, 2008 -- Offered at two times for your convenience:
3:00 - 4:00 p.m. EST
8:45 - 9:45 p.m. EST
Are you serious about attaining your goals next year? Do you want to do more than make a New Year's Resolution that you forget by the time the Super Bowl is on television? Join me on the free teleconference to learn my time-tested 7-Step process for Goal Attainment. We will do more than set goals --we will discuss a system to implement that will expoentially increase your opportuniy for success. Also, my Goal Attainment System is multi-faceted. You won't just be focusing your attention on your career goals unless you want to. My system has you take a look at all areas of your life so you can accomplish the optimal work/life balance for you. There is nothing to lose but an hour of your time and so much to gain. Let's make next the best year yet!
Choice Theory & Reality Therapy
January 29, 2008
8:45 - 9:45 p.m. EST
Choice Theory/Reality Therapy® can help you in every aspect of your life—it becomes the new way you view the world. When you apply these concepts, you will become a better person, a better mother or father, a better life partner, a better employee or supervisor and overall you will have more peace in your life. Your relationships with other people will become more satisfying and you will move closer to those you care about.
Managing Grief & Loss
February 5, 2008
8:45 - 9:45 p.m. EST
In this teleconference, you will learn techniques to help ease the pain of the death of a loved one, the end of a cherished relationship or the separation from a loved one due to distance.
Inside Out Thinking
February 19, 2008
8:45 - 9:45 p.m. EST
Do you find that your happiness is often contingent on people, circumstances or things that you have no control over? Do you feel like life is just passing you by while you wait for.... Inside Out Thinking is such a powerful way to unleash your personal power in a big way. Take control of your life. Register today.
Anger Management
February 26, 2008
8:45 - 9:45 p.m. EST
Are you someone who is confronted with angry people in the course of your life? Spouses, children, extended family members, neighbors, community embers who have tempers and like to yell at you? Want to learn ways to take the wind out their sails and have them communicating more cooperatively? Then this class is for you!
Stress Management
March 18, 2008
8:45 - 9:45 p.m. EST
Feeling stressed? Holidays getting to you? Then you need this teleconference. Learn how to de-stress with Choice Theory. Choice Theory states that all behavior is purposeful. Believe it or not, stress is a choice and you can choose not to be stressed! Learn how in this free teleconference.
Relationships from the Inside Out
March 25, 2008
8:45 - 9:45 p.m. EST
Learn the skills you need to create the relationship you deserve. Learn about the seven deadly relationship habits and how to replace them with loving and caring habits. Start improving that relationship you have with your signifcant other by registering for this amazing class today.
Overcoming Depression
April 1, 2008
8:45 - 9:45 p.m. EST
Do you suffer from symptoms of depression? Do parts of your life seem out of control and unmanageable? Would you like to develop the strength to overcome these feeling without medication? This call will help. The most effective way to successfully change feelings you don't want to be experiencing is by taking control of what you can control.
In this dynamic, empowering call you will learn steps you can take to begin to have more happiness in your life again, regardless of what is happening around you.
Time Management
April 18, 2008
8:45 - 9:45 p.m. EST
Ever wished you could have some extra time in your day? We all know that's not possible but it is possible to learn to maximize each moment so you can get everything out of your day you want. Join me on the teleconference where I will teach you some time-tested techniques to do just that!
Empowerment Parenting
April 22, 2008
8:45 - 9:45 p.m. EST
You cannot continue to parent your children the way you did when they were younger children, or even the way your parents parented you. The world is different! Children are different! If you do not learn new innovations in parenting, your efforts will likely be ineffective at best, and actually destructive at their worst. Join us for this teleconference and learn about the inherent conflict between parents and their children, as well as ways to circumvent it. You can reasonably insure your child’s safety and still maintain a positive relationship.
Empowerment Parenting: You cannot continue to parent your older children the way you did when they were Attend this teleconference series and learn about the inherent conflict between parents and their children, as well as ways to circumvent it. You can reasonably insure your child’s safety and still maintain a positive relationship. Click Here for a full description and to register |
Foster Parenting Teleconference Series
Six (6) Week
Teleconference Series
March 3 - April 14, 2008
Six (6) Week teleseries. Click on link for more information or to purchase. Foster Parent Agencies - Please click here to order this teleseries
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Chats
All times listed in EST
Kim will be available in her chat room for questions and dialog on the following dates and times:
All Chats are from
7:30 - 8:30 p.m. EST
January 8, 2008
January 15, 2008
January 22, 2008
January 29, 2008
February 5, 2008
February 12, 2008
Inside Out
Personal Edition
“You can't change the direction of the wind. . .
but you can adjust your sails!”
---Jimmy Dean
Kim Olver, MS, NCC, LPC
www.TheRelationshipCenter.biz
Kim@TheRelationshipCenter.biz
January 2, 2008 - Volume 4, Issue 1
This Month's Feature Teleconference
Goal Setting & Attainment
January 8, 2008 -- Offered at two times for your convenience:
3:00 - 4:00 p.m. EST
8:45 - 9:45 p.m. EST
Are you serious about attaining your goals next year? Do you want to do more than make a New Year's Resolution that you forget by the time the Super Bowl is on television? Join me on the free teleconference to learn my time-tested 7-Step process for Goal Attainment. We will do more than set goals--we will discuss a system to implement that will expoentially increase your opportuniy for success. Also, my Goal Attainment System is multi-faceted. You won't just be focusing your attention on your career goals unless you want to. My system has you take a look at all areas of your life so you can accomplish an optimal work/life balance for you. There is nothing to lose but an hour of your time and so much to gain. Let's make next the best year yet!
Each teleconference will be recorded and you will receive the link to the call within 24 hours of the date of the teleconference.
A Message from Kim
Hi Everyone,
I want to apologize to any of you who attempted to access my site or send me email during the last month. Unfortunately, someone reported me for sending spam. I have NEVER sent spam and operate my business with the utmost integrity and protect my subscriber list diligently. Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on your point of view, my hosting company takes reports of spam very seriously and shuts down the accused site without needing proof. I want to apologize to any of my loyal subscribers for this inconvenience and if you are on my mailing list and believe you did not ask to be, then simply go to the bottom of this email and click on the unsubscribe link and you will be immediately removed from my list. I do not want to be sending email to anyone who does not wish to receive it.
I hope you all experienced your Holidays exactly as you wanted and that you are looking forward to 2008 with eagerness and anticipation. 2007 was an awesome year for me and I am preparing 2008 to be even better. If you have big things you want to accomplish in 2008, why don't you consider registering for our Goal Attainment teleconference scheduled on January 8th? We have two times for your convenience, 3 PM ET and 8:45 PM ET. I will be teaching my seven-step goal attainment process that has worked particularly well for me and I know if you put it into place, it will work for you also. Let's make 2008 your best year yet!
Make today the day you want it to be!
Unleash the power within you.
Kim Olver
Feature Article
Love and the Caring Habits Part Two
by Kim Olver
Respecting is a very interesting concept. In a relationship, you should never do anything that demeans or reduces your partner’s self-esteem. This is typically caused by the Deadly Habits of criticizing and complaining. Try to avoid these at all costs, but there is more to respecting than just that. Many will tell you that if you follow the Golden Rule, then respect will be the byproduct but I disagree. The Golden Rule says, “Do unto others as you would have done unto you.” This implies that respect looks the same for all people and it clearly does not.
Let’s take, for example, a simple yet common difference between men and women. Typically, when a woman is upset about something, she needs to talk about it over and over again. She is not necessarily looking for a solution, but simply needs to process the issues out loud. If her partner knows how to respect her, he will let her vent while listening for understanding as long as it takes.
However, generally when a man is upset about something, he needs to retreat somewhere within himself to figure it out. The woman knows talking about it helps her feel better, so she will frequently nag her partner to tell her what is bothering him. If she is going to truly respect her man, then she needs to give him the space he needs, and trust that he will come back when he is ready.
So, in the area of respect, I recommend following the new Platinum Rule: “Do unto others as they would have done unto them.” This will require more listening for understanding to really realize what respect means to the other person.
Accepting is one of the more challenging habits. I always say you have at least three options in a dissatisfying relationship. You can leave it, change it, or accept it. When you are attempting to change it, there are usually two ways to do it. Most of the time, you try to change your relationship by getting the other person to change so you can be happier. This is when you will engage in the Deadly Relationship Habits. Another way to change things is to change yourself, as I am suggesting happens when you implement the Caring Habits. If you decide your attempts to change have been unsuccessful and you don’t want to leave the relationship, then accepting is what is left available to you.
Accepting means you accept those traits, characteristics and behaviors in another without resentment. If you are holding onto your resentment, that is simply another way you are trying to change the person. Acceptance sounds like this: “I am choosing to stay in relationship with you because that is what I want. I recognize you are not perfect, just as I am not, but the positive greatly outweighs the negative. I know this is simply a part of you and I accept you fully and love you exactly as you are.” When you can get to this place with a loved one, it is truly a beautiful thing.
Negotiating Differences is the final habit. It is unrealistic to think you can be in relationship with anyone and not encounter differences. Using the Caring Habits does not mean you need to be your partner’s doormat, constantly giving up what you want in favor of what he or she wants. No, being in a committed, healthy relationship means you both figure out win/win ways for you both to get what you need.
What this looks like is you take turns sharing with your partner what it is that you want. You both listen for understanding. You talk about placing the good of the relationship above either of your individual needs and then, figure out a way you can both win and get what you need in the process. The key to this is there is no coercion for any specific behavior change from either partner. The negotiation is a freely given gift to the relationship. And, you both must be willing to place your own individual needs on the back burner, while negotiating what is best for your relationship.
Where to Go from Here:
I also want to point out that this lesson has been geared toward relationships with your significant other. However, these are universal principles. They can be used in any relationship. You can implement the Caring Habits with your children, your parents, your in-laws, your siblings, your co-workers, your supervisor or basically anyone in your life with whom you’d like to get along better. Just make the decision to use them regardless of what the other person does.
There are ways to simultaneously honor yourself and your partner. The first step is to recognize when you are using external control behavior. You will probably be able to recognize it long before you feel able to do anything about it. This is acceptable. Of course, the best case scenario is that from this moment forward, every time you consider externally controlling your partner, you stop yourself and use a Caring Habit instead.
However, if that is not what happens in your case, don’t despair. Recognizing external control is the first step—bringing it into your conscious awareness. Once it’s there, then you can make a decision about what you are going to do about it.
I need to caution about one potential pitfall. Let’s say you are committing yourself to using the Caring Habits and you want your partner to do so too. You must guard against the natural inclination to say, “I’m doing this and I think you should too.” No, you need to make the decision to do so because it will be great for your relationship regardless of what your partner does. This is not a situation where you should say, “I’ll do it if you do.” Just take the first step, start using the Caring Habits and you will be amazed at what happens.
About Kim OlverKim Olver is a life coach and public speaker who has a graduate degree in counseling, is a National Certified Counselor and a licensed professional counselor in two states. She has worked in the helping profession since 1982 and has spent her entire life helping people get along better with the important people in their lives. Kim works with couples, parents and children, and individuals seeking to improve their lives. Check out my free teleconference Relationships, the Choice Theory Way. |
Click here to read some of Kim's other articles
Quote of the Month
"Love is a choice and cannot be coerced."
-Gary Chapman
I thought this quote really says a lot about the caring habits. Typically, when you are in a relationship and are feeling unloved, it seems natural to break out the Deadly Relationship Habits in your best attempt to get the love back you think you lost. However, it is not possible to coerce someone to love you. You may be able to bind a person to you with punishment, bribing, guilt or complaining, but you won't gain love that way.
Love is a voluntary choice. If you want more love in your life, you need to be more loving. Use the Caring Habits and see what happens.
Book Review
The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfult Commitment to Your Mate
by Gary Chapman
I honestly don't know how I have been working with couples for as long as I have and up until recently, I'd missed reading this book. I have had at least six people ask me if I've read it so I decided to stop resisting and see what all the hoopla was about. I was pleasantly surprised. I think Chapman has some very valid points to make.
In this book, the author outlines five different languages of love--words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. According to Chapman, most of us have a primary love language, meaning that we feel most loved when one of these areas is satisfied by our partner.
You learn your pattern of behaviors as a child. You develop your love language based on interactions that occurred with your parents. When you get into a significant relationship, it is normal for you to speak your language of love to your partner. If quality time is your thing, you will likely spend quality time with your partner. If quality time is his or her love language, then you will be in good shape. However, if your partner has a different love language and you want him or her to feel your love, you will have to learn his or her language and start speaking love in that way.
I highly recommend this book if you are in a relationship and are feeling unloved. You will learn what your love language is and determine the love language of your partner. You can educate your partner as to what you need to feel love and you can start communicating your love to your partner in a way he or she can receive. When this happens effectively, your relationship will definitely become more satisfying.
Tip of the Month
How many of you are in a relationship and want to take it to a new level and your significant other doesn't? This is a common problem in relationships. Rarely are two people at the same place at the same time. Sometimes in your attempt to move your partner to the space you want to be, you miss the beauty of where you are now. A question to ask yourself is, "Do I want to be in a more committed relationship for security reasons or do I really want to be in relationship with this person regardless of the commitment level"?
The answer won't be the same for everyone. Some want a committed relationship and if the person he or she is involved with doesn't want that, then it may be time to seek a new partner. However, if your current partner is the person you want to spend your time with, then learn to appreciate having him or her in your life. Enjoy each moment you spend together. Don't ruin the time you do have by not being present, wishing for something different when the person you want is right in front of you.
Relationship Q & A
Question: Mino from Toronto, Ontario wrote: I read your article entitled "Starting Over After Loss," and I found
it very true, and very informing. I would however like to know, how
long do you think it takes for one to get over a loss, more
specifically, a relationship loss?
Answer: There is an age old expression that say: "Time Heals." Well, I don't think time heals anything. It is what you do with the time that counts so I really don't know how to give you a definitive answer. If you take proactive positive steps, you could heal relatively quickly--perhaps even in a week or so but many people take years. It all depends on what you do with the time that passes.
Workshops
Click on the links for more information and to purchase
Relationship Empowerment
Two dates to choose from. Click on date for more information and to purchase
February 11, 2008
Chicago, IL-- Prairie State College—Matteson Center
7:00 - 9:00 p.m. CT
$29.00 (Bring your partner or a guest for free)
April 28, 2008
Chicago, IL-- Prairie State College—Matteson Center
7:00 - 9:00 p.m. CT
$29.00 (Bring your partner or a guest for free)
So often, couples get stuck in a rut where each individual is waiting for the other to change their ways. In this workshop, participants will learn to engage in the seven caring habits by following the Platinum Rule: Do unto others as they would have you do unto them. Gender differences in relationships will be explored. Participants will learn the three possible relationship choices. Participants will learn a negotiation strategy so both partners win. People will leave knowing that they have the power to change their relationships regardless of what their partners do.
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Empowerment Parenting
Two dates to choose from. Click on date for more information and to purchase
March 17, 2008
Chicago, IL-- Prairie State College—Matteson Center
7:00 - 9:00 p.m. CT
$29.00 (Bring your partner or a guest for free)
April 30, 2008
Chicago, IL-- Prairie State College—Matteson Center
7:00 - 9:00 p.m. CT
$29.00 (Bring your partner or a guest for free)
This workshop helps parents to understand the psychology behind what is happening with their children at various stages. Parents will learn how to align themselves with their child’s resistance for increased cooperation and compliance. Parents will learn how to sacrifice what they want now—strict compliance, for what they REALLY want—a responsible, caring, child who is capable of making rational decisions. Empowerment Parenting teaches parents simple skills and strategies for helping their children successfully make it through the challenging phases of their lives.
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Introduction to Choice Theory
Chicago, IL-- Prairie State College—Matteson Center
March 19, 2008
8:30 a.m. - 4:30 p.m. CT
$69.00
Learn the basics of Dr. William Glasser's Choice Theory, an explanation of human behavior.
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Self-Development
with Choice Theory
4 1/2 days - Monday - Thursday 9:00 a.m. - 4:00 p.m.
Friday 9:00 a.m. - 12:00 p.m.
The Basic Intensive Week in Choice Theory and Reality Therapy is a 4 day or 4½-day workshop where you will be exposed to some highly innovative ideas of Dr. William Glasser. You will learn the new psychology of personal freedom called Choice Theory. There is application in this workshop for teachers, school administrators, counselors, therapists, social workers, business managers, clergy, nurses, parents, and anyone interested in improving the quality of their life. You will learn how to empower yourself by distinguishing between those things you can control and those you can’t and focus your energy on those you can. There is practical advice about how to improve the important relationships in your life and how to become the person you want to be. This workshop helps you become more effective in counseling and teaching others, particularly those who may not even know they need your help—non-voluntary clients and less than enthusiastic students. The group size is kept small enough that you will receive individual attention and have plenty of time to have your questions answered.
April 7 - 11, 2008 - The Villages, FL
April 21 - 25, 2008 - Milton, PA
April 28 - May 2, 2008 - Chicago, IL -
Prairie State College—Matteson Center
May 5 - 9, 2008 — Virginia Beach, VA
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