In this Issue
Feature Article
Love and the Caring Habits Part One
by Kim Olver
Teleconferences
Workshops
"In our daily lives, we must see that it is not happiness that makes us grateful, but the gratefulness that makes us happy."
—Albert Clarke, photographer
Book Review
Eight Lessons for a
Happier Marriage
by William and Carleen Glasser
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Upcoming
Events
Click on title of class for more information and to register or visit
www.TheRelationshipCenter.biz
ALL TIMES IN EST
Teleconferences
All teleconferences are one (1) hour in length unless otherwise stated and all you need is a telephone. When you register we will send you a phone number that you will call five minutes prior to the start of your teleconference. You will have the opportunity to ask questions, but if you prefer to just listen that’s all right too. You do not need a computer or Internet, only a telephone. Don’t delay. There are a limited number of slots available.
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The following teleconferences
are FREE (except the parenting teleconference series)
Click on the link for a full description and to register
Relationships
the Choice Theory Way
On-going teleconference, offered the second Tuesday of every month. Anyone can join in to learn about creating more effective relationships or to get relationship question answered.
Next Class:
November 13 , 2007
8:45 - 9:45 p.m. EST
Overcoming Depression
November 20, 2007
8:45 - 9:45 p.m.
Do you suffer from symptoms of depression? Do parts of your life seem out of control and unmanageable? Would you like to develop the strength to overcome these feeling without medication? This call will help. The most effective way to successfully change feelings you don't want to be experiencing is by taking control of what you can control.
In this dynamic, empowering call you will learn steps you can take to begin to have more happiness in your life again, regardless of what is happening around you.
Managing Grief & Loss
February 5, 2008
8:45 - 9:45 p.m.
In this teleconference, you will learn techniques to help ease the pain of the death of a loved one, the end of a cherished relationship or the separation from a loved one due to distance.
Empowerment Parenting
November 27, 2007
8:45 - 9:45 p.m.
You cannot continue to parent your children the way you did when they were younger children, or even the way your parents parented you. The world is different! Children are different! If you do not learn new innovations in parenting, your efforts will likely be ineffective at best, and actually destructive at their worst. Join us for this teleconference and learn about the inherent conflict between parents and their children, as well as ways to circumvent it. You can reasonably insure your child’s safety and still maintain a positive relationship.
Stress Management
December 4, 2007
8:45 - 9:45 p.m
Feeling stressed? Holidays getting to you? Then you need this teleconference. Learn how to de-stress with Choice Theory. Choice Theory states that all behavior is purposeful. Believe it or not, stress is a choice and you can choose not to be stressed! Learn how in this free teleconference.
Time Management
December 18, 2007
8:45 - 9:45 p.m.
Ever wished you could have some extra time in your day? We all know that's not possible but it is possible to learn to maximize each moment so you can get everything out of your day you want. Join me on the teleconference where I will teach you some time-tested techniques to do just that!
Goal Setting & Attainment
January 8, 2008 -- Offered at two times for your convenience:
3:00 - 4:00 p.m.
8:45 - 9:45 p.m.
Are you serious about attaining your goals next year? Do you want to do more than make a New Year's Resolution that you forget by the time the Super Bowl is on television? Join me on the free teleconference to learn my time-tested 7-Step process for Goal Attainment. We will do more than set goals--we will discuss a system to implement that will expoentially increase your opportuniy for success. Also, my Goal Attainment System is multi-faceted. You won't just be focusing your attention on your career goals unless you want to. My system has you take a look at all areas of your life so you can accomplish an optimal work/life balance for you. There is nothing to lose but an hour of your time and so much to gain. Let's make next the best year yet!
Choice Theory & Reality Therapy
January 29, 2007
8:45 - 9:45 p.m.
Choice Theory/Reality Therapy® can help you in every aspect of your life—it becomes the new way you view the world. When you apply these concepts, you will become a better person, a better mother or father, a better life partner, a better employee or supervisor and overall you will have more peace in your life. Your relationships with other people will become more satisfying and you will move closer to those you care about.
Inside Out Thinking
February 19, 2008
8:45 - 9:45 p.m.
Do you find that your happiness is often contingent on people, circumstances or things that you have no control over? Do you feel like life is just passing you by while you wait for.... Inside Out Thinking is such a powerful way to unleash your personal power in a big way. Take control of your life. Register today.
Anger Management
February 26, 2008 8:45 - 9:45 p.m.
Are you someone who is confronted with angry people in the course of your life? Spouses, children, extended family members, neighbors, community embers who have tempers and like to yell at you? Want to learn ways to take the wind out their sails and have them communicating more cooperatively? Then this class is for you!
Relationships from the Inside Out
March 25, 2008
8:45 - 9:45 p.m.
Learn the skills you need to create the relationship you deserve. Learn about the seven deadly relationship habits and how to replace them with loving and caring habits. Start improving that relationship you have with your signifcant other by registering for this amazing class today.
Empowerment Parenting: You cannot continue to parent your older children the way you did when they were Attend this teleconference series and learn about the inherent conflict between parents and their children, as well as ways to circumvent it. You can reasonably insure your child’s safety and still maintain a positive relationship. Click Here for a full description and to register |
Foster Parenting Teleconference Series
Six (6) Week
Teleconference Series
March 3 - April 14, 2008
Six (6) Week teleseries. Click on link for more information or to purchase. Foster Parent Agencies - Please click here to order this teleseries
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Chats
All times listed in EST
Kim will be available in her chat room for questions and dialog on the following dates and times:
All Chats are from
7:30 - 8:30 p.m. EST
November 13, 2007
November 20, 2007
November 27, 2007
December 4, 2007
December 11, 2007
December 18, 2007
Inside Out
Personal Edition
“You can't change the direction of the wind. . .
but you can adjust your sails!”
---Jimmy Dean
Kim Olver, MS, NCC, LPC
www.TheRelationshipCenter.biz
Kim@TheRelationshipCenter.biz
November 13, 2007
Volume 3, Issue 11
This Month's Feature Teleconference
Overcoming Depression
November 20, 2007 -- 8:45 - 9:45 p.m.
Do you suffer from symptoms of depression? Do parts of your life seem out of control and unmanageable? Would you like to develop the strength to overcome these feeling without medication? This call will help. The most effective way to successfully change feelings you don't want to be experiencing is by taking control of what you can control.
In this dynamic, empowering call you will learn steps you can take to begin to have more happiness in your life again, regardless of what is happening around you.
Each teleconference will be recorded and you will receive the link to the call within 24 hours of the date of the teleconference.
A Message from Kim
Hello All,
After such a wonderful, whirlwind summer, I am happy to get back into my regular routine. I have been anxious to put together this newsletter. I have been inundated with email from both men and women seeking their love connection and finding disappointment. I think the biggest problem in relationships is our tendency to look outside ourselves for the solution to the problem. Whenever you think the problem is "out there," that external thinking is actually the problem. Yes, sometimes we end up in a relationship with someone who lacks integrity and we need to end things. However, most problems occur because either the person you thought was your perfect mate changes into someone you no longer recognize or the person you thought had the potential to be "The One" doesn't follow your program for self-improvement.
When your relationship is not the way you want it to be, take an inventory of the behavior you are engaging in and determine if you are not greatly contributing to the problem. Can you see how your behavioral choices are making the situation worse? Read this month's article and next month's follow up to determine what you can do to improve your relationship, even if your significant other isn't on board. I call that Relationship Empowerment. You have the power to improve things without your partner's cooperation.
I hope all is well and you are enjoying the advent to what is considered a big holiday season for many. If you are experiencing some unwanted holiday stress, you may want to read an article I wrote about overcoming it here:
www.therelationshipcenter.biz/newsletters/holidaystress12_05.html
Make today the day you want it to be!
Unleash the power within you.
Kim Olver
Feature Article
Love and the Caring Habits Part One
by Kim Olver
If you haven’t read my article on the Deadly Relationship Habits, then you may want to do so at http://www.therelationshipcenter.biz/newsletters/deadlyhabits4_05.html.
This article tells you what to do in your relationships to replace the destructive habits with more healthy ones. Dr. William Glasser in his book, Getting Together and Staying Together, writes about the Caring Relationship Habits of listening, trusting, supporting, encouraging, respecting, accepting and negotiating differences. These are not as simple as they sound. This month we will look at the first four and I will follow up in December with the final three.
Listening is the first one because I think it is a great place to start. You may already think you listen and perhaps you do but the level of listening I am speaking of relates to not just hearing your partner, but truly trying to understand where he or she is coming from. You are listening for understanding. You want to know how it is they see things the way they do. You may not agree with their perception but you want to try to at least understand it from where they come from, in their shoes and in their skin.
Trusting is the next habit. Many of us come into relationships with baggage from previous ones, possibly making it difficult for us to trust. Many say trust is earned and I believe if you have made a decision to be in a relationship, then you must also make the decision to trust, until you receive information to the contrary. Trust is a true gift in a relationship and it costs nothing. You really aren’t putting your trust in your partner as much as you are trusting yourself to make good decisions. If you’ve exercised poor judgment in the past, instead of using that as an excuse not to trust, begin to think of it as a situation that helped you developed more discriminating instincts. When you learn to trust yourself first, it becomes easier to trust others.
If your partner betrays your trust, then put your trust in your higher power and know that you will survive and actually be stronger for the experience. You have learned a vital piece of information. Now, you will have decisions to make about your relationship. Not all relationships end when trust has been breeched. Some have been able to overcome infidelity and have found their way back to trusting each other. These will be decisions you will need to make if and when your trust is violated but don’t let someone else’s lack of integrity, define you. Your partner is only human and will make mistakes. Infidelity may be one of them. Don’t let that mistake make you feel as if you are somehow less than—as if you’re not good enough or are a fool for trusting. Trusting your partner is the way to a healthy, satisfying relationship.
Supporting is the next caring habit and simply refers to standing by your partner, lending your support whenever needed. I once worked with a couple who had vastly different vocational interests—he was a mechanic and she was a web designer. The husband prioritized providing for his family. In the winter heated his home with a wood stove, for which he chopped and stacked the wood himself. The wife was very much into creativity and was proud of the websites she designed for a wide variety of businesses. She would often call him to the computer to see what she had done and he would respond with a very disinterested, “That’s nice, dear.” He, in turn, would call her to their basement to see the great woodpile he had stacked, and she would be annoyed to have to go downstairs to look at a bunch of wood. Neither were supporting the other. When you are supportive you recognize your partner’s accomplishments and support him or her when things are challenging.
Encouraging is next. I have been asked, what is the difference between encouraging and nagging? Well, there’s actually a big difference. When you encourage someone, you are encouraging him or her to do something he or she wants to do. When you nag, you are encouraging someone to do what you want him or her to do. Big difference! Encouraging is for times when your partner needs a cheerleader. He or she is considering something that could potentially bring great joy but might just need a little encouragement to carry it through. In order for you to be a helpful encourager, you need to control your own fear about whether things will work out. You may worry if your partner does a particular thing, then it will somehow take him or her further away from you or endanger your happiness in some way. Naturally, this is possible, however, when you can be the encourager in a situation, your partner will more likely than not feel closer to you because of it.
Sometimes your fear of losing your partner is something that keeps you from using the Caring Habits. This fear comes from a faulty place of illusion. Your partner is never yours to own. Yes, in marriage you make promises. You want to believe those promises will last a lifetime but the reality is people are free to come and go in our lives. The tighter you try to hold on to someone, the greater the likelihood they will leave. And if you are successful in getting the person to stay, do you really want a relationship based on guilt and obligation? Sometimes the Caring Habits seem counterintuitive because we have been raised to believe in external control but know that every time you use external control, you are weakening the strength of your relationship.
This article has been geared toward relationships with your significant other. However, these are universal principles. They can be used in any relationship. You can implement the Caring Habits with your children, your parents, your in-laws, your siblings, your co-workers, your supervisor or basically anyone in your life with whom you’d like to get along better. Just make the decision to use them regardless of what the other person does.
Between now and next month, why don’t you choose one caring habit you could implement in an important relationship in your life? Pay attention to how your overall relationship is affected. Don’t expect anything in return. Don’t ask the other person to choose a Caring Habit, too. Just make your own commitment and watch the magic happen.
About Kim OlverKim Olver has a graduate degree in counseling, is a National Certified Counselor and a licensed professional counselor in two states. She has worked in the helping profession since 1982 and has spent her entire life helping people get along better with the important people in their lives. Kim works with couples, parents and children, and individuals seeking to improve their lives. Check out our free teleconference Relationships, the Choice Theory Way. |
Click here to read some of Kim's articles
Quote of the Month
"In our daily lives, we must see that it is not happiness that makes us grateful, but the gratefulness that makes us happy."
—Albert Clarke, photographer
If you are seeking happiness in your relationship and you are looking outside yourself, then you are looking in the wrong place. Being grateful for the relationship you have and the person you are sharing your life with is how to find happiness in your relationship. When was the last time you felt grateful for your partner and your relationship? Why not make it right now?
Book Review
Eight Lessons for a Happier Marriage
by William and Carleen Glasser
In this short book, Dr. Glasser and his wife, Carleen, discuss how to implement Choice Theory into your relationship so you will experience a greater sense of happiness with your partner. Elements of Choice Theory are explained in a reader-friendly manner. The authors use humorous cartoons to emphasize their points and use case studies to help readers identify with the material in each lesson. The bottom line is that is you need to stop thinking your partner is the problem in your marriage and instead, focus on your own behavior and what you can do to make the relationship better. When you genuinely stop trying to change your partner and stop complaining, something happens. That person no longer feels the need to defend him or herself and you can do the work that is so empowering to you. You can actually implement the changes that are within your power to do. Change what YOU are doing. Take proactive steps to improve your relationship. It's great it your partner is on board with you but this will work even if he or she isn't. Give it a try and watch the magic happen.
Click here to order book
Tip of the Month
Are you someone when having relationship problems will talk to everyone about them? You call your parents, your friends, your children, and basically anyone who will listen? I, better than most, understand the need to talk out one's problems. It is a trait common to women and some men. However, what we are in essence doing, it getting those close to us to dislike our choice of partner. Long after you have kissed and made up, those close to you are still harboring resentments. This is not fair to your partner and won't help you in the long run. Your partner will be regarded with mistrust or worse, contempt. You may start getting lots of unsolicited advice about how you deserve better, even when you have decided this is the relationship for you.
I recommend that, if possible, you work through your relationship angst by yourself. Research has shown that journaling can be as effective as counseling so try journaling out your innermost feelings. If you find this inadequate, then choose one trusted adviser with whom to share your issues. Do not tell everyone you know until you have made a decision about your relationship. It's a gift you can give yourself and your partner.
Relationship Q & A
Question: I saw your article on ezine, and decided to write to you. I am ready to move on, and do not want to be stuck in this depression after the man I loved left me for someone else.
I did not have the same experience as you at all...I cannot believe the hardship you must have endured...but your positive energy and wisdom is hitting something inside me that is encouraging, and I want to continue in this vein.
I moved to Paris to be with the man I loved, which was a big mistake, but
moving to Paris was not. It was my original plan, and now I am in the city
in which I belong and love. This man really treated me like a dog, and I
obsessed over him, and to retain my sanity, I have to let him go. I am
ready. I no longer want to play the fool and would love to hear from you.
If there are any words of wisdom you can share, please contact me. I don't want to waste my time, my heart, my sadness on a person who definitely does not want it or deserve it! I am worth so much more, and want to be a whole person when the right person comes along.
thank you for your article, and for being there, and surviving and loving
life.
Answer: The thing I like to say that helps in times like this is: Don't cry because it's over;
smile because it happened. Remember the things that were good in your relationship
and simply let go of the pain. It's easier to focus on the positives when you are looking
for the gratitude. I don't know what the positives were for you but one thing you said is
that without this relationship you wouldn't be in Paris where you belong. Be grateful for
the experience.
Some people come into our lives for a reason, or a season or a lifetime. Apparently, your
ex was for a reason--to get you to Paris. That purpose has been served so it only makes
sense the relationship would end.
You sound like you have so much to offer another and you will be ready when the next
person comes along until you find the one that was meant for a lifetime.
Workshops
Click on the links for more information and to purchase
Relationship Empowerment
Two dates to choose from. Click on date for more information and to purchase
February 11, 2008
Chicago, IL-- Prairie State College—Matteson Center
7:00 - 9:00 p.m. CT
$19.95 (Bring your partner or a guest for free)
April 28, 2008
Chicago, IL-- Prairie State College—Matteson Center
7:00 - 9:00 p.m. CT
$19.95 (Bring your partner or a guest for free)
So often, couples get stuck in a rut where each individual is waiting for the other to change their ways. In this workshop, participants will learn to engage in the seven caring habits by following the Platinum Rule: Do unto others as they would have you do unto them. Gender differences in relationships will be explored. Participants will learn the three possible relationship choices. Participants will learn a negotiation strategy so both partners win. People will leave knowing that they have the power to change their relationships regardless of what their partners do.
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Empowerment Parenting
Two dates to choose from. Click on date for more information and to purchase
March 17, 2008
Chicago, IL-- Prairie State College—Matteson Center
7:00 - 9:00 p.m. CT
$19.95 (Bring your partner or a guest for free)
April 30, 2008
Chicago, IL-- Prairie State College—Matteson Center
7:00 - 9:00 p.m. CT
$19.95 (Bring your partner or a guest for free)
This workshop helps parents to understand the psychology behind what is happening with their children at various stages. Parents will learn how to align themselves with their child’s resistance for increased cooperation and compliance. Parents will learn how to sacrifice what they want now—strict compliance, for what they REALLY want—a responsible, caring, child who is capable of making rational decisions. Empowerment Parenting teaches parents simple skills and strategies for helping their children successfully make it through the challenging phases of their lives.
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Introduction to Choice Theory
Chicago, IL-- Prairie State College—Matteson Center
8:30 a.m. - 4:30 p.m. CT
$69.00
Learn the basics of Dr. William Glasser's Choice Theory, an explanation of human behavior.
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Self-Development
with Choice Theory
4 1/2 days - Monday - Thursday 9:00 a.m. - 4:00 p.m.
Friday 9:00 a.m. - 12:00 p.m.
April 28 - May 2, 2008 - Chicago, IL
Prairie State College—Matteson Center
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