In this Issue
Feature Article
Jealousy
by Kim Olver
NEW
Mastermind Group
Inside Out Empowerment
Teleconferences
Workshops
If you approach relationship challenges with the attitude there is
something to learn...
--Paul and Layne Cutright
Book Review
Puzzled but not Confused
-by Sylvester Baugh
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Upcoming
Events
Click on title of class for more information and to register or visit
www.TheRelationshipCenter.biz
ALL TIMES IN EST
NEW Ongoing Mastermind Group, offered the second Tuesday of every month. Anyone can join in to learn about the process of IOE, Inside Out Empowerment and how it can open your heart, free your mind and transform your life.
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All teleconferences are one (1) hour in length unless otherwise stated and all you need is a telephone. When you register we will send you a phone number that you will call five minutes prior to the start of your teleconference. You will have the opportunity to ask questions, but if you prefer to just listen that’s all right too. You do not need a computer or Internet, only a telephone. Don’t delay. There are a limited number of slots available.
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The following teleconferences
are FREE (except the parenting teleconference series)
Click on the link for a full description and to register
Time Management
April 15, 2008
8:45 - 9:45 p.m. EST
Ever wished you could have some extra time in your day? We all know that's not possible but it is possible to learn to maximize each moment so you can get everything out of your day you want. Join me on the teleconference where I will teach you some time-tested techniques to do just that!
Empowerment Parenting
April 22, 2008
8:45 - 9:45 p.m. EST
You cannot continue to parent your children the way you did when they were younger children, or even the way your parents parented you. The world is different! Children are different! If you do not learn new innovations in parenting, your efforts will likely be ineffective at best, and actually destructive at their worst. Join us for this teleconference and learn about the inherent conflict between parents and their children, as well as ways to circumvent it. You can reasonably insure your child’s safety and still maintain a positive relationship.
Overcoming Depression
April 29, 2008
8:45 - 9:45 p.m. EST
Do you suffer from symptoms of depression? Do parts of your life seem out of control and unmanageable? Would you like to develop the strength to overcome these feeling without medication? This call will help. The most effective way to successfully change feelings you don't want to be experiencing is by taking control of what you can control. In this dynamic, empowering call you will learn steps you can take to begin to have more happiness in your life again, regardless of what is happening around you.
Choice Theory & Reality Therapy
May 20, 2008
8:45 - 9:45 p.m. EST
Choice Theory/Reality Therapy® can help you in every aspect of your life—it becomes the new way you view the world. When you apply these concepts, you will become a better person, a better mother or father, a better life partner, a better employee or supervisor and overall you will have more peace in your life. Your relationships with other people will become more satisfying and you will move closer to those you care about.
Managing Grief & Loss
May 27 , 2008 -- 8:45 - 9:45 p.m. EST
First comes the shock of the loss and an almost denial that is has happened, particularly if there was no warning. You had hopes and dreams of the future that included your loved one and suddenly he or she is not there. How will you cope? How can you go on? Everyone grieves at his or her own pace. I am in no way suggesting that this process can or should be rushed. What I am saying is that when a person is ready, he or she can turn the grief into a new hope for the future. Attend this teleseminar and start to find hope again.
Anger Management
June 3, 2008
8:45 - 9:45 p.m. EST
Are you someone who is confronted with angry people in the course of your life? Spouses, children, extended family members, neighbors, community embers who have tempers and like to yell at you? Want to learn ways to take the wind out their sails and have them communicating more cooperatively? Then this class is for you!
Inside Out Thinking
June 17, 2008
8:45 - 9:45 p.m. EST
Do you find that your happiness is often contingent on people, circumstances or things that you have no control over? Do you feel like life is just passing you by while you wait for.... Inside Out Thinking is such a powerful way to unleash your personal power in a big way. Take control of your life. Register today.
Goal Setting & Attainment
July 1, 2008 -- Offered at two times for your convenience:
3:00 - 4:00 p.m. EST
8:45 - 9:45 p.m. EST
Are you serious about attaining your goals next year? Do you want to do more than make a New Year's Resolution that you forget by the time the Super Bowl is on television? Join me on the free teleconference to learn my time-tested 7-Step process for Goal Attainment. We will do more than set goals--we will discuss a system to implement that will exponentially increase your opportunity for success. Also, my Goal Attainment System is multi-faceted. You won't just be focusing your attention on your career goals unless you want to. My system has you take a look at all areas of your life so you can accomplish an optimal work/life balance for you. There is nothing to lose but an hour of your time and so much to gain. Let's make this your best year yet!
Stress Management
July 15 , 2008
8:45 - 9:45 p.m. EST
Feeling stressed?Life getting to you? Then you need this teleconference. Learn how to de-stress with Choice Theory. Choice Theory states that all behavior is purposeful. Believe it or not, stress is a choice and you can choose not to be stressed! Learn how in this free teleconference.
Relationships from the Inside Out
July 29, 2008
8:45 - 9:45 p.m. EST
Learn the skills you need to create the relationship you deserve. Learn about the seven deadly relationship habits and how to replace them with loving and caring habits. Start improving that relationship you have with your signifcant other by registering for this amazing class today.
Empowerment Parenting: You cannot continue to parent your older children the way you did when they were Attend this teleconference series and learn about the inherent conflict between parents and their children, as well as ways to circumvent it. You can reasonably insure your child’s safety and still maintain a positive relationship.
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Foster Parenting Teleconference Series
Six (6) Week
Teleconference Series
September 15 -
October 20, 2008
8:45 - 9:45 EST
Six (6) Week teleseries. Click on link for more information or to purchase. Foster Parent Agencies - Please click here to order this teleseries
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Chats
All times listed in EST
Kim will be available in her chat room for questions and dialog on the following dates and times:
All Chats are from
7:30 - 8:30 p.m. EST
April 8, 2008
April 15, 2008
April 22, 2008
April 29, 2008
May 6, 2008
May 13, 2008
Inside Out
Personal Edition
“You can't change the direction of the wind. . .
but you can adjust your sails!”
---Jimmy Dean
Kim Olver, MS, NCC, LPC
www.TheRelationshipCenter.biz
Kim@TheRelationshipCenter.biz
April 8, 2008 - Volume 4, Issue 4
This Month's Feature
Prepare to Love Again Home Study Course
In this 12-week course, you will learn techniques to help ease the pain of the death of a loved one, the end of a cherished relationship or the separation from a loved one due to distance. You will learn ways to articulate the loss, understand your anger and frustration, taking inventory of all you have lost, finding ways to memorialize your loved one as an inoculation to the depression and learning to reframe the experience. Kim lost her husband in 1999 and has first-hand experience in how to ease that pain. Help yourself rejoin the living by taking this home study course. Click on link for more information or go to http://www.therelationshipcenter.biz/griefecourse.html
A Message from Kim
This month I am focusing on couple relationships. I have been inundated with couples lately who are looking to "save" their marriage or their relationship but they have waited until they are so unhappy and disillusioned with each other to seek professional help. Most people who have a problem with their car take it to the mechanic to find out what the problem is so the repair doesn't end up costing much more if left unattended. Why don't people do that with their relationships?
Have you heard that if you drop a frog in a pot of boiling water, it will jump out but if you place that same frog in cold water and gradually heat that water up to a boil, it will stay in the pot until it dies. I think the same thing happens in our relationships. It's similar to being in a pot that's being gradually heated. In the beginning, we hardly notice anything is wrong. Things happen so gradually. It's an insidious process. Then one day the couple looks around and realizes they want to bail out of the relationship. Seeking professional help is the last resort. By the time a couple comes for coaching or counseling, the relationship is all but cooked!
Don't wait until your relationship is totally broken to seek help. Bring it in for regular tune ups. It deserves at least as much attention as your automobile.
Make today the day you want it to be!
Unleash the power within you.
Kim Olver
Feature Article
Jealousy
by Kim Olver
Security in a relationship lies neither in looking back to what it was in nostalgia,
nor forward to what it might be . . . but living in the present relationship
and accepting it as it is now.—Anne Morrow Lindbergh
Jealousy is something that can completely destroy your relationships. Where does it come from and what can you do about it? In relationships, there are four possibilities: neither of you are jealous, you are jealous of your partner but your partner is not jealous, your partner is jealous but you are not, or both of you are jealous. The first scenario poses no stress for the relationship, while the last three do.
You are Jealous and Your Partner Isn’t:
If you are jealous of your partner and he or she is not plagued by jealousy, then you feel you can’t trust the one you love. You are suspicious of his or her activities and you make accusations—either out loud or in your own mind. You have no trust and afford your partner very little, if any, privacy.
Your partner trusts you. He or she does not grill you with 10,000 questions about whom you were with and where you’ve been. You most likely interpret this as evidence of how little he or she cares about you when in actuality, the opposite is true.
Your Partner is Jealous but You Aren’t
Your partner is driving you crazy! He or she is smothering you. You love your partner but you can’t seem to be able to breathe. He or she wants to be with you all the time, is constantly asking you questions about who you are with and what you do, may want to check your cell phone and email to learn who you are communicating with, and generally doesn’t trust you out of his or her sight.
The first thing you must realize is that your partner may never change. I have seen couples who thought if they only got married, then the jealous partner could let go of his or her insecurity. This insecurity follows a person regardless of his or her marital status. If a person has a burning desire to change his or her jealous demeanor, then he or she must set about completing the necessary work to accomplish that but a marriage license is not the cure to jealousy.
So ask yourself, if your partner never changes and continues these jealous behaviors forever, is he or she still the person you want to be with? If the answer is yes, then you need to discover coping methods of being able to handle the constant suspicion and intrusions into your life. If the answer is no, then you need to devise a plan for ending, or at least diminishing the time you invest in the relationship.
Both of You are Jealous
In this situation, I would assess that both of you are functioning from either the need for power or the need for survival. You are either scared of being alone or you want to control the behavior of your loved one—neither of which is particularly healthy.
Your relationship could potentially last a long time. Since both of you are operating from the same place, you would not likely recognize the dysfunction. However, if you want more from your relationship, then you need to be able to visualize what life would be like if you were in a relationship with your partner or someone else and trust existed between you. You would need to recognize that there is something better and consciously set out to engage in behavior that will attract that kind of trust into your life.
When There’s been Cheating in the Past
If part of the problem is that one or both of you have already been unfaithful in the past, then some legitimate trust issues exist. If you were the one who cheated, attempt to understand your partner’s insecurity and suspicions at least initially. I have recommended that the person who has cheated allow his or her life to be an open book to his or her partner. Allow him or her access to your comings and goings to help him or her develop that security in your relationship again.
If you were the one whose partner cheated, then you are not off the hook. If your partner affords you the opportunity to really know what he or she is doing at all times in an attempt to reestablish trust between you, then you need to equally cooperate in your attempt to regain trust. You must be open to the idea that your partner is making amends and is truly sorry for his or her indiscretion. You need to give up your desire to punish or make him or her pay, and really get down to the business of rebuilding your relationship. Let go of your resentment and move forward.
Real love does not operate on the scarcity principle. In order to receive love, you must willingly give it. If you love someone and you want peace of mind, trust is the only way to go. If you later learn that your partner was unfaithful to you, then you have a decision to make but the surest way to ensure your partner cheats is to continue to accuse him or her of it.
Jealousy is like a cancer invading your relationship. It has the potential of being lethal. Do not allow jealousy to erode the trust, love and respect of your relationship.
Extending your faith and trust is a gift you give the person you love. If he or she is a person of honor, the gift will be protected and well cared for. If he or she is not, it will not be long and you will discover your partner’s true character. And when you do, you will have a decision to make. In the meantime, live in trust.
About Kim OlverKim Olver is a life coach and public speaker who has a graduate degree in counseling, is a National Certified Counselor and a licensed professional counselor in two states. She has worked in the helping profession since 1982 and has spent her entire life helping people get along better with the important people in their lives. Kim works with couples, parents and children, and individuals seeking to improve their lives. Check out her free relationship teleconference Relationships from the Inside Out or join our monthly free Mastermind Group Inside Out Empowerment. |
Click here to read some of Kim's other articles
Quote of the Month
If you approach relationship challenges with the attitude there is
something to learn--and you can learn it--then your chances of
producing successful relationships is greatly increased."
--Paul and Layne Cutright
All of us can look back on our relationship history and identify things we wished we would have done differently. You may label it regret or mistakes but if you are able to learn something from the challenge, then you really are the winner. . .paving the way for healthier, more successful relationships in the future. As long as you seek and ultimately learn the lesson, there hasn't been a mistake, just a learning opportunity.
Book Review
Puzzled but not Confused: How to obtain and maintain high quality relationships
-by Sylvester Baugh
This book, written by my good friend and colleague Sylvester Baugh, works on taking the mystery out of relationships. While acknowledging relationships can be puzzling, they don' have to be confusing. This is a great book for adolescents who are trying to figure out how just how far to go in an intimate relationship. It is full of questions designed to help kids self-evaluate what they really want in life.
I also believe this book can be helpful for adults who find themselves repeating some of the negative patterns of their early dating behavior. It is packed full of good, sound advice that is based on Christian principles.
Tip of the Month
Can you be fooled? Yes, you can put your trust into someone who will not respect or protect it. People are not perfect. Our partners might make a mistake or may simply be uncaring and deceitful. The important thing to remember is that when and if this occurs, it does not necessarily say anything about you.
Men and women cheat for a variety of reasons. Sometimes, it is an innocent mistake, a momentary lapse in judgment and sometimes, it is indicative of an underlying problem in a relationship.
In my work with couples, often men cheat because they are dissatisfied with their sexual relationship with their woman or they do not feel appreciated by their partner. Women, on the other hand, tend to cheat because they are lonely or feel unloved by their partner. Now, of course there are exceptions to these rules but it is the general pattern I’ve seen in my practice.
I mention this only for you to do some self-evaluation. Sometimes you may contribute to your partner’s infidelity through your behaviors. This doesn’t mean it was your fault, but it can provide you with information about how you might behave differently in this or your next relationship to increase the possibilities of your partner staying loyal. Have you withdrawn your affection as punishment? Do you constantly criticize your partner? Do you withdraw attention as punishment? Do you demean or belittle your partner? If you answer yes to any of these questions, then you may want to consider making some changes in your behavior if a loving, committed relationship is your goal.
Sometimes, however, when you review your relationship, you may find there was nothing you did to contribute to any unfaithfulness. When this is the case, let go of the guilt and the feeling that there is something “wrong” with you. The problem lies in your partner and does not represent a character flaw in you. Do not take on that guilt and blame.
Place the blame squarely on the shoulders of the person who owns it and move on—either in your current relationship or in your next one. Don’t allow someone’s infidelity to shake the core of your being. Remember your value and worth as an individual and don’t lump all members of one gender together because of the misbehavior of one person. Don’t generalize and stereotype that way. It will not serve you in the future.
Relationship Q & A
Question: I'm confused about why when women hang out or talk to men but get really mad when the men do it with other women, why is it ok for women and not for men?? If the woman are friends with a lot of men, should the spouse accept that or should the woman do what he says and not hang or talk to the other guy friends? I am 19 going to be 20 in couple weeks, my boyfriend is 23. We are 3 years apart just to update you on our ages (time frame).
Answer: Thank you for your question. This is what I believe. When two people come together in a
loving relationship, often they are looking for different things from the relationship.
Some do not mind when their boyfriend or girlfriend has friendships with members of the
opposite sex. Others do. If there is a conflict in this area, then it is very important
that they have effective communication surrounding their needs.
Often when someone is opposed to their loved one having friendships with the opposite sex, it means he or she is insecure about the relationship or has been betrayed before. I would want to work with the couple to explore what is at the root of the problem and attempt to help the person learn to trust again or to work on their own confidence level.
It is important to be in relationships where you can be yourself and get your needs met. However, there will be times when you will want to prioritize the needs of your relationship over your own individual needs. Only after working with both parties would I be able to make a suggestion about what you might want to do. If you don't honor your boyfriend's needs, he may become angry, sullen, jealous, hurtful or end the relationship. If you give up your friends to make him happy, you will likely be resentful. This is an issue that requires further exploration.
I have free weekly chats online every Tuesday evening at 7:30 Eastern Time. Feel free to both join me and we can talk out what is happening or register for our free relationship teleconference. We are having one July 29th, from 8:45-9:45 PM ET. You can sign up at http://www.therelationshipcenter.biz/Relationshipteleclass.htm.
I hope to hear from you soon.
Workshops
Click on the links for more information and to purchase
Relationship Empowerment
Click on date for more information and to purchase
April 28, 2008
Chicago, IL-- Prairie State College—Matteson Center
7:00 - 9:00 p.m. CT
$29.00 (Bring your partner or a guest for free)
So often, couples get stuck in a rut where each individual is waiting for the other to change their ways. In this workshop, participants will learn to engage in the seven caring habits by following the Platinum Rule: Do unto others as they would have you do unto them. Gender differences in relationships will be explored. Participants will learn the three possible relationship choices. Participants will learn a negotiation strategy so both partners win. People will leave knowing that they have the power to change their relationships regardless of what their partners do.
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Empowerment Parenting
Two dates to choose from. Click on date for more information and to purchase
April 30, 2008
Chicago, IL-- Prairie State College—Matteson Center
7:00 - 9:00 p.m. CT
$29.00 (Bring your partner or a guest for free)
This workshop helps parents to understand the psychology behind what is happening with their children at various stages. Parents will learn how to align themselves with their child’s resistance for increased cooperation and compliance. Parents will learn how to sacrifice what they want now—strict compliance, for what they REALLY want—a responsible, caring, child who is capable of making rational decisions. Empowerment Parenting teaches parents simple skills and strategies for helping their children successfully make it through the challenging phases of their lives.
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Self-Development
with Choice Theory
4 1/2 days - Monday - Thursday 9:00 a.m. - 4:00 p.m.
Friday 9:00 a.m. - 12:00 p.m.
The Basic Intensive Week in Choice Theory and Reality Therapy is a 4 day or 4½-day workshop where you will be exposed to some highly innovative ideas of Dr. William Glasser. You will learn the new psychology of personal freedom called Choice Theory. There is application in this workshop for teachers, school administrators, counselors, therapists, social workers, business managers, clergy, nurses, parents, and anyone interested in improving the quality of their life. You will learn how to empower yourself by distinguishing between those things you can control and those you can’t and focus your energy on those you can. There is practical advice about how to improve the important relationships in your life and how to become the person you want to be. This workshop helps you become more effective in counseling and teaching others, particularly those who may not even know they need your help—non-voluntary clients and less than enthusiastic students. The group size is kept small enough that you will receive individual attention and have plenty of time to have your questions answered.
April 21 - 25, 2008 - Milton, PA
April 28 - May 2, 2008 - Chicago, IL -
Prairie State College—Matteson Center
May 5 - 9, 2008 — Virginia Beach, VA
July 21-25, 2008 — Chicago, IL
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