In this Issue
Featured Article
You CAN Improve Your Relationship
Upcoming Events
Teleclasses
Workshops
Chat Room
E-Courses
Quote of the Week:
"The most important thing in any relationship is not what you get but what you give."
-- Elenore Roosevelt
Tip of the Month
Relationship Q&A
F-r-e-e Teleclass Offer
About Kim Olver
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Upcoming Events
Click on the date to order teleclass or visit
www.TheRelationshipCenter.biz
ALL TIMES IN EST
Teleclasses
All teleclasses are one (1) hour in length and all you need is a telephone. When you register we will send you a phone number that you will call five minutes prior to the start of your teleclass. You will have the opportunity to ask questions, but if you prefer to just listen that’s all right too. You do not need a computer or Internet, only a telephone. Don’t delay. There are a limited number of slots available.
How to Manage the Trap of
Abusive Relationships
Are you involved in an abusive relationship? Do you feel trapped with no way out? Then, join this call. You will be able to speak with someone who cares and can help you think of your options. There will be others on the call who are going through the same thing you are and can provide support. You owe it to yourself to register now.
6/29/05 8:30 pm
Stress Management
Do you always feel like life gets the best of you? No matter what you do, it doesn’t seem to make a difference? Is there too much undone work at the end of your day? Are people getting on your last nerve? You just can’t take one more thing? Then this teleclass is for you! Learn how to reduce stress in your life by taking control of the things you have control over---the things you think and the things you do. These revolutionary ideas are different from the ones you typically hear in a stress management workshop. Register for this call today and take charge of your life.
7/5/05 2:00 pm
Managing Depression
Are you sad most of the time? Does your mood interfere with you enjoying life? Is it affecting your relationships? Are you unable to do the things that used to bring you pleasure? Then this call is for you! Learn about Choice Theory---the New Psychology of Personal Freedom. Register now for this class and learn how to unleash your personal power by focusing only on those things you have control over and watch your depression lift. Register for this call today and take charge of your life.
7/13/05 8:30 pm
Time Management
Never seems to be enough time in the day? Always rushing? Feeling stressed at the end of the day? Not getting accomplished what you hoped? Then this class is for you! Learn how to turn your precious moments into productive time that moves you forward toward your ultimate goals and your life purpose.
7/19/05 8:00 pm
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Workshops
Let's put RELATE back in RELATIONSHIP!
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Relationship Workshop
Chicago, IL
June 25, 2005
9:00 am - 5:00 pm
Exclusive offer for all Inside Out subscribers. The morning session will focus on couple relationships and the afternoon session will be about Parent/Teen relationships. This workshop normally costs $159.00. However, it is being offered to the first 25 subscribers who register for $50.00 for the entire day including lunch!
Click here to sign up
Only available to first 25 registrants
(the discount will be applied upon checkout)
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Couple Relationship Weekend
7/8/05 - 7/10/05
Wyndham Hotel, Chicago, IL
This weekend workshop can change your life and provide you with life long lessons that will greatly increase your understanding of your partner and improve the quality of your relationship. You will be encouraged, enlightened, and exhorted in ways that you never thought possible. For a more detailed description or to order this workshop click on the link above.
Parent/Teen Relationship Weekend
7/15/05 - 7/17/05
Holiday Inn, Chicago, IL
This workshop can change your life and bring peace back into your home. It will teach you how to provide for your child’s safety, without fighting and to increase the genuine loving relationship between you. You will be encouraged, enlightened, and exhorted in ways that you never thought possible. For a more detailed description or to order this weekend workshop click on the link above.
Chats
Kim will be available in
her chat room for questions
and dialog on the following
dates and times:
All times listed in EST
7/7/05 8:00 - 9:00 PM
7/14/05 12:00 - 1:00 PM
7/21/05 8:00 - 9:00PM
7/31/05 2:00 - 3:00 PM
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E-Courses
Improving Your Relationship with Your Current or Future Significant Other:
In this 16-week course, couples or singles looking for a mate, will learn about their basic needs, explore their value systems, and discuss and articulate their general goals and direction for their lives. This course is listed at $396, but will sell until 7/01/05 at $296.
Parenting Teens
In this 20-week course, parents will learn how to work with their teens to create a harmonious home environment where each are able to get what they need. We will discuss yesterday’s model of parenting, as well as why it’s ineffective with teens today. This course is listed at $495, but will sell until 7/01/05 at $395.
Managing Grief, Separation and Loss
In this 12-week course, you will learn techniques to help ease the pain of the death of a loved one, the end of a cherished relationship or the separation from a loved one due to distance. This course is listed at $297, but will sell until 7/01/05 at $197.
Weight Loss
This e-course on weight loss will teach you Choice Theory, the new psychology of personal freedom, as an explanation for why you do what you do---no matter what is behind your weight issue, this theory can provide a framework for understanding. This course is 12 weeks in duration and normally lists for $297.00 but you can purchase it for $197.00 until 7/01/05.
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Relationship Q&A
Q: I attended a one-day workshop you did about a year ago in Choice Theory and I am really trying to apply what I learned in my relationship with my husband. I find I do really well for a few days and then I fall back into my old external control patterns. What can I do?
A: I don't know about you, but I know that for me, it is unrealistic to expect that a one-day workshop will totally undo 30-50 years of external control behavior. Research shows us that it takes 30-90 days to form a new habit. This is difficult to apply to using choice theory because there is no consistent application of it. For example, if someone is attempting to exercise daily, then exercise is done everyday. One cannot predict when one will be able to practice choice theory. I remember when I first learned Choice Theory in 1987, my children were three and five years-old. I committed to using CT with them and in my relationship with my husband. I wasn't always successful. Old habits are difficult to change. What I did do, though, was to continue to study CT. I became certified and then I continued on the instructor track. This continuous study is the thing that became instrumental in helping me internalize these concepts. It helped being around others who were as committed to the ideas as I was. This is actually one of the reasons that I offer coaching services. I wanted to offer people a way to stay connected to the learning and the consistent implementation of the ideas in their lives. A coach will help by providing alternatives to external control behavior. If you are serious about making a major change in your life, then hire a coach to help ensure your success, much in the same way you would hire a personal trainer when you embark on a new exercise routine. Good luck, don't give up and keep up the good work.
Kim Olver is a licensed professional counselor, certified in Reality Therapy. This column is for readers to submit their relationship questions for Kim to answer. It could be a question about a couple relationship, a parenting relationship, a grief and loss relationship, a co-worker or friend relationship or even a question about your relationship with yourself. No relationship question is off limits! To ask your question, simply send it by email to kim@TheRelationshipCenter.biz and look for her response in future issues |
You CAN Improve Your Relationship
By Kim Olver
It seems as if creating successful relationships with our significant others and parenting children are two of the most difficult jobs we face and yet we get no formal training in either. It’s as if people believe that we are born with an inherent ability to do these two things. Yet, look around us. In the US , the divorce rate is slightly over 50%! I don’t know anywhere but baseball where a 50% average is a good thing.
Couples go through life getting along when times are good; and fighting with, ignoring, or leaving each other when things get tough. Most people believe that to seek help with their relationships means to admit a certain kind of defeat that says something about who they are as a person. Or possibly, they believe that relationships are something we are just supposed to be able to manage on our own. Or, finally, some people believe that those out there helping couples can’t know any more than they do. After all, what’s to know about keeping relationships together?
Well, the truth is that there is a whole lot to learn when it comes to relationships. Unfortunately, the only training most of us ever receive is the passive learning we get through the modeling of the adults who live in our house with us and the media. Now, I don’t know about you, but my parents had only received the informal training they got from their parents, and they from my great grandparents and so on back through the generations. There is so much more to know about relationships than that!
Also, my parents have helped support that 50% statistic cited earlier in that they divorced sometime around their 25th wedding anniversary. What I learned about relationships from watching them is that couples never argue, especially in front of the children. On the surface my parents had a very happy marriage but my father experienced a stereotypical mid-life crisis and suddenly questioned the meaning of “life” and decided marriage was holding him back somehow.
In some ways, this type of training may have been as bad as those who have parents who argue all the time. Disagreements are a natural by-product of relationships. It is virtually impossible for two people to come together and create a life without some of their ideals, values, opinions or day-to-day activities coming into conflict with each other. The question becomes how does the couple manage this conflict?
There are many things to consider when speaking about couples and their challenges and areas for growth and development. The first is compatibility. I know there is an expression that says opposites attract and I believe there is some accuracy in that statement when you think of attraction as that chemical interaction that occurs when two people meet and are attracted. This chemical attraction doesn’t care what the other person’s values are, what is important to him or her, the personality characteristics involved, or what either of you likes to do in your spare time. Compatibility is a key for a successful, healthy relationship. Go to www.therelationshipcenter.biz and take the free Assessment to determine your compatibility with your partner.
A second consideration is simply that there are major differences in how men are in relationships compared to how women are. Women generally don’t understand men because the men don’t act like women and similarly, men don’t understand women because they don’t act like men. And since a woman has never been a man and a man has never been a woman, how does each learn about these important differences? John Gray researched and wrote about these issues in his book, Men are from Mars; Women are from Venus. But I would say that the majority of people in relationships don’t take the time to learn about these gender differences. It is easier to point a finger and blame the other person for his or her “irrational” behavior.
As mentioned earlier, a third area of growth is learning how to manage conflict. There are time proven methods for resolving conflict that we don’t learn in school or from a book. There are ways to actually hear each other in relationships. By placing the relationship FIRST in importance, these methods can be implemented by couples to greatly improve their satisfaction.
All of these considerations are discussed at The Relationship Center’s weekend couples’ conference to be held in downtown Chicago June 8-10, 2005. If you are unable to attend this weekend, contact Kim@TheRelationshipCenter.biz and see when she is coming to a city near you.
There is so much to learn about satisfying relationships that your parents never showed you. Please don’t become one of the statistics of divorce or perhaps worse, stay in a miserable relationship to honor your marriage vows while having so many regrets about your life as the time ticks away.
Take charge and take control of your life. Learn some new ways to improve the relationship you are already in or to prepare yourself for being a better, improved partner for the next person in your life. Come to the conference, contact Kim at 708-957-6047 or email at Kim@TheRelationshipCenter.biz about relationship coaching or take one the many Teleclasses scheduled on the Events Calendar at www.TheRelationshipCenter.biz. Don’t wait until it is too late.
Copyright © June 2005 Kim Olver. All rights reserved
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www.coachingforexcellence.biz
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Quote of the Week
"The most important thing in any relationship is not what you get but what you give."
-- Elenore Roosevelt
This quote supports the work we do in the negotiation process with couples. Each person describes what is wrong with their relationship and then they are asked what is right with the relationship. The next question is, "If you could do something different all this week that would be a gift and a help to your relationship, what would you give?" It's not about getting what you want. It's not about coersing your partner to give you what you want. It's a simple gift that you give, from the heart without strings or expectiations. This is what makes it so powerful. Come to the relationship weekend and you will learn even more about this tremendously healing process.
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Tip of the Month
Disagreements in relationships are inevitable. I have yet to meet a couple who always wanted the same things at the same time in the same way. Being two separate people means that at times, you will want different things, thus creating disagreements. How you manage these disagreements is key. There are some gender differences that come into play here. When a women is upset, she tends to keep quiet, believing that if her partner truly loves her, then he will KNOW what is wrong. When men get upset, they tend to withdraw within themselves while they are working out a possible solution. Women are generally ready to talk about problems much sooner than men and will attempt to work things out while their male companion is still working things out in his head. This can cause even further disruption in the relationship. One of the things I recommend first is that women need to express their needs and desires to their mate with as few words as possible. Women tend to go on and on about why they feel the way they do when that only tends to confuse the issue for the men. Secondly, women need to give men the space they need to retreat into themselves. Trust that they will return when they have a solution. Men need this space. Women who try to engage men prior to them being ready will not like the conversation they get. Thirdly, I want to see men honoring their women by listening to them and trying to understand their point of view without feeling the need to defend themselves. When a woman is upset, she typically speaks in absolutes such as, "You are NEVER home. You NEVER listen to me. You NEVER help out around here." She doesn't really mean "never" but she is venting and needs you to understand the underlying meaning of what she says. Finally, I strongly recommend never going to bed angry at your partner. When we sleep on our anger and resentments, they tend to grow, making it even more difficult to start the healing process the next day. There is a lot more to working out disagreements in relationships but this is a start. If you come to the couples conference planned July 8-10, 2005 in Chicago, you can learn a whole lot more. I hope to see you there.
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F-r-e-e Teleclass Offer
How would you like to take one of my teleclasses for f.ree? All you have to do is get two (2) people to subscribe to either of my e-zines and send me their e-mail addresses for confirmation with the name of the teleclass you would like to attend. If you do not wish to attend one of the teleclasses, you can give your f.ree teleclass to a friend or family member. It’s that simple! Send either one or both of the following links to all your friends and family and ask them to subscribe to the e-zine. For the personal edition of "Inside Out", go to The Relationship Center and for the business/school edition go to Coaching for Excellence and have them type their name and email address in the boxes on the right-hand side of the web page where it says, “Subscribe to Receive 'Inside Out', our Fr.ee eZine". Only two people actually have to subscribe for you to be eligible for a f.ree teleclass. Once their subscription has been confirmed you will receive an e-mail giving you the bridge line and access code for the teleclass of your choosing. A listing of teleclasses being offered can be found in both my weekly e-zine or on my calendar page at either web site. There is no limit to the amount of f.ree teleclasses you can earn---you get one f.ree teleclass for every two referrals that sign up for one of my e-zines. Within the next year I am planning on adding many new teleclasses on several topics including the following:
Weight Loss
Building Quality Relationships
Foster Parenting
Stop Lying NOW
Children & Divorce
Managing Depression
…….and many more.
Please continue to check this eZine and my website calendar for these new and exciting teleclasses. Don’t wait, take advantage of this offer and experience the new technology of teleclasses, learning and growing from home. |
