In this Issue
Featured Article
Discipline versus Punishment
Upcoming Events
Teleclasses
Chat Room
E-Courses
Quote of the Week:
"You miss a 100 percent of the shots you don’t take."
- Wayne Gretzky
Tip of the Month
Book Review
Raising Happy Kids
Elizabeth Hartley-Brewer
Relationship Q&A
Tip Sheets
Free Stuff
About Kim Olver
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Upcoming Events
Click on title of class to order
teleclass or visit
www.TheRelationshipCenter.biz
ALL TIMES IN EST
Teleclasses
All teleclasses are one (1) hour in length unless otherwise stated and all you need is a telephone. When you register we will send you a phone number that you will call five minutes prior to the start of your teleclass. You will have the opportunity to ask questions, but if you prefer to just listen that’s all right too. You do not need a computer or Internet, only a telephone. Don’t delay. There are a limited number of slots available.
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Relationships
the Choice Theory Way
Click on the link below for a description of this amazing F - R - E - E teleclass. Offered the second Tuesday
of every month.
Next Class
May 9, 2006 --9:00 p.m.
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F-R-E-E Teleclass - How to Talk to Your Child
May 16, 2006 - 7:00 - 8:00 p.m.
Have you ever attempted to have a discussion with your child that turned into a war zone? Have you tried to talk to your child and been ignored or dismissed? Talking to your children in a way that they hear us is a challenge. There is a delicate line to walk between sharing your knowledge, values, and experiences and lecturing (what your child believes he or she hears). Would you like to maximize the chances your child will listen to you? Join us on this call to learn how to deliver information in a way that your child can hear. Learn how to negotiate to minimize conflict in your relationship. Learn how to become friends with your child again while still maintaining your parental role.
Problem Solving
May 24, 2006 -- 2:00 - 3:00 p.m.
Do you find yourself having to make quick decisions? Are you often unsure about the decisions you make? Do you try to keep everyone happy with your decisions? If any of thisdescribes you, then you will benefit from this teleclass. Learn how to make decisions based on universal principles and not the trend or keeping others happy. Learn how to make decisions on the spot when necessary, how to take the time you need to make other decisions and the difference between the two. Critical decision-making is a skill they don’t teach in college and you really can’t function at a top level without it.
Issues within Blended Families
May 31, 2006 -- 7:00 - 8:00 p.m.
Are you a parent of a blended family? Do you have parenting conflict with your partner? Do you believe your children are trying to divide and conquer you? Do you want help? Join this call. We will discuss some of the issues involved in step parenting, how to discuss your concerns with your partner and how to unite as a solid parental unit. This call could be the thing that will turn your family around. Register for this call today.
Clarifying Expectations
June 6, 2006 -- 1:00 - 2:00 p.m.
Do you find yourself getting frustrated by others at your job or in your personal life because they just don’t do things the way they are supposed to be done? Feel like you’ve told them the same thing over and over again? Feel like all you do is yell at your kids all day? This teleclass will help you broach those difficult subjects in a way that will maximize cooperation.
Foster Parenting Teleseries
Commencing Mondays
September 11, 2006 -
October 30, 2006
8:00 - 9:00 p.m. EST
Six (6) Week teleseries. Click on link for more information or to purchase. Foster Parent Agencies - Please click here to order this teleseries
Empowerment Parenting:
Parenting your Child through Difficult Phases in his or her Life Teleseries
Six (6) Week Teleseries Commencing Mondays September 11, 2006 -
October 30, 2006
8:00 - 9:00 p.m. EST
We cannot continue to parent our older children the way we did when they were younger children, or even the way our parents parented us. The world is different! Children are different! If we do not learn new innovations in parenting, our efforts will likely be ineffective at best, and actually destructive at their worst.
Attend this teleclass series and learn about the inherent conflict between parents and their children, as well as ways to circumvent it. You can reasonably insure your child’s safety and still maintain a positive relationship.
The focus will be more educational than therapeutic. Parents will learn a negotiation method that will help them work out win/win solutions with their teen in a way that’s fair and nonconfrontational...It’s just one hour a week for six weeks to learn how to create the caring, supportive, trusting and protective relationship that you want with your child.
Once you learn the things you will need to know about yourself and your child in this teleseries, you’ll realize that it isn’t so difficult, after all, to parent your children through difficult phases in their life, still stay the parent, and keep your child safe at the same time. Being a parent doesn’t have to be burdened with frustration, conflict and worry. It can be fun, creative and relatively simple!
Click Here for a full description and to register
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Chats
All times listed in EST
Kim will be available in her chat room for questions and dialog on the following dates and times:
May 9, 2006 -- 3:00 - 4:00 p.m.
May 17, 2006 -- 8:00 - 9:00 p.m.
May 26, 2006 -- 3:00 - 4:00 p.m.
May 30, 2006 -- 8:00 - 9:00 p.m
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E-Courses
Relationship Magic
In this 16-week course, couples or singles looking for a mate, will learn about their basic needs, explore their value systems, and discuss and articulate their general goals and direction for their lives. They will learn about some significant differences between men and women and be taught some secrets to satisfying their partner better by speaking the language of their partner. Kim’s new golden rule is: “Do unto others as they would want you to do unto them!” Giving to our partners what we would want for ourselves is often ineffective, misunderstood and sometimes damaging to our relationships. We will discuss ways to increase effective communication, minimize the use of the deadly relationship habits and maximize the implementation of the caring relationship habits. Sensitive topics that frequently create conflict between couples will be discussed: parenting, finances, free time together or apart, jealousy, sex, and extended family & friends. Finally, ways to minimize and manage conflict will be taught and you will have opportunities to practice. Email support will be provided between lessons---one email per week to answer questions or clarify content. Only $74.00.
Parenting your Child without Navigating a War Zone
In this 20-week course, parents will learn how to work with their children to create a harmonious home environment where each are able to get what they need. We will discuss yesterday’s model of parenting, as well as why it’s ineffective with children today. You will learn a firm foundation in Choice Theory, which explains all human behavior---including yours and your children’s. You will learn how to negotiate win/win solutions so as not to experience all the resistance children like to use. Issues such as homework; sex; drinking/drugs; choice of friends; curfew; chores; music, hairstyle, piercings and tattoos; and bedtime are all weekly lessons designed to give you some insight as to how to manage those situations with your children. Only $97.00
Finding Peace after the Loss of Your Loved One
In this 12-week course, you will learn techniques to help ease the pain of the death of a loved one, the end of a cherished relationship or the separation from a loved one due to distance. You will learn ways to articulate the loss, understand your anger and frustration, taking inventory of all you have lost, finding ways to memorialize your loved one as an inoculation to the depression and learning to reframe the experience. Kim lost her husband six years ago and has first-hand experience in how to ease that pain. Help yourself rejoin the living by taking this e-course. You won’t even have to leave your home. Only $49.00
Lose the Weight You Want Forever
In this 12-week course, you will learn Choice Theory, the new psychology of personal freedom, as an explanation for why you do what you do---no matter what is behind your weight issue, this theory can provide a framework for understanding. How many times have you attempted to lose weight only to gain it and more back again? Are you tired of being on a diet? Wonder what makes this program different? Well, in the first place, it is done in the privacy of your own home at your own pace. You decide when to complete the next lesson. This program does not focus on the number on the scale. It is about what you tell yourself and the habits in which you engage. Most weight loss programs fail because you are still having thoughts and behavior that support your bad habits. This program will help you change that. You will learn the psychology and physiology about weight loss. Along with this knowledge comes a decision for you to make---what are you going to do with this new knowledge? You will explore your past successes, your food triggers and the thoughts you tell yourself. You will learn ways to reprogram your mind for long lasting change. This program can help you become more satisfied when you look in the mirror. You will be able to visualize the end result from the beginning. You will find the right and healthy weight for yourself and be happy when you accomplish it. You will have more energy and a more positive outlook on life. Give it a try. We offer a 150% money back guarantee. If you have applied the ideas in this course and are not completely satisfied with the quality of the program, then you simply let us know and we will refund what you paid plus 50% and you get to keep the lessons you were sent besides! How can you lose? And it’s Only $49---much less than other weight loss programs!
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Discipline versus Punishment
by Kim Olver
Do you know the difference between discipline and punishment with their Latin roots? Punishment implies inflicting pain, while discipline means to teach. Parents who use punishment are missing important opportunities to teach their children better behaviors and help them self-discipline. Children can actually be taught responsible behaviors to help them get the things they want without breaking the rules.
However, when parents are only interested in compliance, they often impose strict and severe consequences to stop or prevent the behavior. This generally leaves the child not thinking about how they were wrong and need to develop more appropriate behavior, but leaves them instead thinking about how unfair their parent is.
Punishment generally teaches children to become better at not getting caught, rather than stopping the undesirable behavior.
All behavior is purposeful. We don’t engage in behavior—responsible or not—for no reason. Everything a person does is that person’s best attempt to get at least one of his or her needs met in the best way available at that time. Children do not set out to be intentionally “bad.” The “bad” behaviors they engage in are helping them to meet a need they have, which is why they do it.
Punishing children for attempting to get their needs met does not stop them from needing to get their needs met. If a child is attempting to get their need for freedom met by being with people of whom the parent doesn’t approve, that freedom need does not go away by punishing the child. In fact, often punishment restricts the freedom need even further, making it more likely that the child will engage in more severe and desperate ways of meeting their freedom need.
For example, if the child is grounded for being with people the parent disapproves of, then they may end up disrespecting the grounding and attempting to go out anyway. Then, it will become necessary for the parent to become more severe in their punishment to attempt to gain control.
The interesting thing about control is that we really don’t have control over our children. We cannot be with them 24/7 and thus, we really don’t know what they are doing when they are out of our site. We may think we are controlling them by grounding them, but are they sneaking out? If not, what happens when the grounding is lifted?
Instead of punishing, let’s look at what it might be like to teach self-discipline instead. Let’s say your child has a habit of not abiding by his or her curfew. The child agrees to the curfew and then chronically comes home late espousing sincere apologies. Naturally, you want to ground them or make them come home even earlier the next time to make up for the infraction.
What do you think would happen if you had a different conversation? What would happen if you attempted to learn what the child was doing that prevented them from being home on time? What would happen if you believed your child when he said he really lost track of time because he got so involved in the game of basketball he was playing with his friend? Your child tells you he meant to be home on time but simply lost track of time.
If your goal is to help teach self-discipline, wouldn’t it make sense to help your child find a way to independently remind himself of his curfew. Perhaps he could get a watch with an alarm on it. Or if he has a cell phone, have him set the alarm on it with enough time for him to get home at the agreed upon time.
Maybe in your conversation, you learn that your child no longer believes his curfew is appropriate. Perhaps he thinks because he is older, he should be permitted to stay out later. You may review your expectations and realize that he is right. The curfew you have set may be too early for his age. In this case, you might be willing to adjust the curfew to a later time as long as there is compliance with the new curfew.
There are several solutions for every situation and remember every child and every set of circumstances is unique. Take the time to talk to your child to determine why they are breaking the rules and then help them figure out a way to honor the rules and still get what they need in their lives.
When you do, you will have a much more harmonious home and your children will be learning self-discipline skills so that by the time they no longer live with you, you can be reasonably assured that they will be able to take care of themselves. After all, isn’t that what you REALLY want?
Copyright © May 2006 Kim Olver. All rights reserved
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Click here to read some of Kim's articles
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Quote of the Week
"You miss a 100 percent of the shots you don’t take."
- Wayne Gretzky
I know that when we are parenting, we have our good days and our bad. When we are in a down period, we begin to feel as if we are drowning and will latch on to any life vest thrown our way. However, then things begin to get better and we convince ourselves that things really aren’t so bad. We begin to think that we CAN do it on our own.
Maximize the possibilities for success by taking the action you know is needed. Don’t wait until you are under water and going down for the third time. Make a conscious decision to get the help you need when things are going well. You won’t regret it. Contact us today for your free coaching consultation.
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Tip of the Month.
If you are a parent who uses a behavioral system for your child in terms of a point or level system, where they earn points for good behavior and lose privileges for bad behavior, my advice would be to reexamine this program’s effectiveness. I know I have written earlier that any type of external control is bad for relationships. Attempting to bribe or reward someone into doing something they don’t want to do is a gentle form of external control. Do you remember how you felt if your significant other or your employer tried to get you to do something you didn’t want to do by bribing you? It probably didn’t feel too good. It doesn’t feel good to your child, either.
These programs are only effective for as long as the reward continues to motivate your child. And after you remove the reward system, your child’s behavior will gradually return to its original state or worse. The only way to truly obtain long-lasting, effective change is by assisting your child to learn to develop internally motivated, responsible behaviors to effectively meet his or her needs. Empowerment Parenting can teach you how to get your child to evaluate their own behavior and develop the internal motivation to want to use responsible behaviors to get what they want. Call today for a free 20-minute coaching consultation.
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Book Review
Raising Happy Kids
Elizabeth Hartley-Brewer
Raising Happy Kids is a book that espouses conventional wisdom about democratic parenting. It measures whether or not something is effective with kids by whether it will increase self-esteem, self-confidence and self-reliance. It speaks in favor of parents retaining their parental role and providing boundaries for their children. It also is in favor of helping kids get their needs met.
Where this book departs from Empowerment Parenting is that it basically says that parents’ needs are more important than the child’s and that parents sometimes must exert their will over their child’s simply because they are in charge and they are the parents. Many parents operate under this assumption.
What Empowerment Parenting says is that every person, parents and children alike, must get their needs met in some way. If parents decide that their needs are more important than their child’s in a certain situation and impose their will, then that child’s need goes unmet. This sets up opportunity for all kinds of problematic behavior to occur simply because the child is attempting to get their needs met in that situation.
Occasionally, parents will need to impose their will particularly when a child’s safety is at risk. Sometimes parents will choose to make their needs more important when they are pressed for time. This will most likely be all right as long as it doesn’t become a regular routine. However, parents must be prepared to manage the fall out.
Raising children is one of the hardest jobs you will ever undertake and there is no instruction manual. We just do the best we can. Working together with your children so you can both get what you need in a responsible way is the primary message of Empowerment Parenting. It will take more time and require more patience, but the reward of cooperative children far outweighs the effort.
Click here to order this book
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Relationship Q&A
Q: When I was growing up, my parents were really strict and I didn’t DARE go against their wishes. I knew it just wouldn’t be worth it. They definitely controlled my behavior and that is exactly the way I intend to raise my daughter. How can you say that my parents didn’t control me and that I can’t control my kids?
A: Sometimes what happens is that parents have children who are high in the need for love & belonging. When this occurs, these children are predominantly motivated to create and maintain positive relationships with those people who are important to them. They tend to avoid conflict. So, if you have child high in love & belonging, he or she is motivated by trying to please you and probably will follow your guidance. However, if that child has only followed your rules so he or she can gain your approval, what do you think will happen when he or she get out on their own? Typically, that is when things get out of control. If they have been ignoring their needs for power and freedom in favor of satisfying their need for love & belonging, then when they are out from under your strict hand, they will most likely try all the things they weren’t previously allowed to do. And, if they had no practice managing difficult situations, then they will be ill-equipped to manage their newfound freedom. Sometimes parents have to give up what they want now (compliance) in favor of what they really want (a child who knows how to independently, successfully function in the world).
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Tip Sheets
Relationship Improvement Tip Sheet - A fourteen (14) page document loaded with helpful tips on how to improve your relationship with the significant people in your life. FREE when you purchase one of our Coaching Packages or available by direct purchase by clicking on the title above. Click here to go to our list of coaching packages.
Empowerment Parenting Report - Nineteen (19) page Report on how to parent your child in today's world using Empowerment Parenting. Empowerment Parenting involves a process in which you learn to understand the inherent conflict between you and your child and learn about the five basic human needs. Understanding these basic needs, which we are all born with, will help you improve the relationship with your child and maintain that relationship through the adolescent years.
Anger Management Tip Sheet - In this seven (7) page tip sheet, you will gain some insight into your own anger and learn methods for getting it under control. And if you have no problem with your own anger, there is also information about how you can manage the anger of others.
There are five proven techniques that help to diffuse an angry person’s anger when implemented with genuineness. Do you live with or have regular interaction with someone who is often frustrated and angry? Then this information can help that person as well as you. Your stress will decrease and you will develop more satisfying relationships. Give it a try. There is nothing to lose. If you are not satisfied with the information presented, just send me an email and I’ll return the money you paid and you can keep the report!
Twelve Steps to Help you Lose the Weight Forever - In this thirteen (13) page report you will learn skills to help lose the weight and keep it off. You will learn Choice Theory, the new psychology of personal freedom, as an explanation for why you do what you do---no matter what is behind your weight issue, this theory can provide a framework for understanding. How many times have you attempted to lose weight only to gain it and more back again? Are you tired of being on a diet? Wonder what makes this program different? Well, in the first place, it is done in the privacy of your own home at your own pace. You decide when to complete the next lesson.
Choice Theory Report
Choice Theory, a concept developed by William Glasser, is an explanation of human behavior. Choice Theory has five basic components —the basic human needs, the quality world, the perceived world, the comparing place and total behavior. This report gives a more detailed explanation of these five components
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About Kim Olver
Kim Olver has a graduate degree in counseling, is a National Certified Counselor and a licensed professional counselor in two states. She has worked in the helping profession since 1982 and has spent her entire life helping people get along better with the important people in their lives. Kim is the author of Leveraging Diversity at Workä and the author of the forthcoming books, Empowerment Parentingä and Relationship Empowermentä. She is a member of the American Counseling Association and a certified reality therapy instructor with the William Glasser Institute. She has provided training to thousands of people in Glasser’s ideas that gave birth to the concepts she teaches now: “Inside Out Empowerment.” Kim is an expert in relationship, parenting and personal empowerment. She works with individuals who want to gain more effective control of their lives and relationships, and who would like to achieve greater satisfaction and heightened contentment. What makes her services different from other relationship experts is that she helps her clients tap into their internal power source by focusing only on those things they can change, and as a result, her clients become empowered so they can deliberately create the life and relationships they deserve. Her website, www.therelationshipcenter.biz, offers free chats, assessments, a blog and an eZine, as well as workshops, teleclasses, e-courses, advice, counseling and coaching. |
