In this Issue
Feature Article
Parenting: How to Discipline Teenagers
Defining the Problem
by Kim Olver
“If you resist the natural tendency to rescue or control, you both can recover...
—David Myers, Ph.D
Tip of the Month
Book Review
The Momnificent Life
by Lori Radun
************************
Upcoming
Events
Click on title of class for more information and to register or visit
www.TheRelationshipCenter.biz
ALL TIMES IN EST
All teleconferences are one (1) hour in length unless otherwise stated and all you need is a telephone. When you register we will send you a phone number that you will call five minutes prior to the start of your teleconference. You will have the opportunity to ask questions, but if you prefer to just listen that’s all right too. You do not need a computer or Internet, only a telephone. Don’t delay. There are a limited number of slots available.
Inside Out Ongoing Mastermind Group, offered the second Tuesday of every month. Anyone can join in to learn about the process of IOE, Inside Out Empowerment and how it can open your heart, free your mind and transform your life.
|
Inside Out
Personal Edition
“You can't change the direction of the wind. . .
but you can adjust your sails!”
---Jimmy Dean
Kim Olver, MS, NCC, LPC
www.TheRelationshipCenter.biz
Kim@TheRelationshipCenter.biz
May 8 , 2009 - Volume 5, Issue 4
A Message from Kim
Hello Everyone,
And a special hello to all you mothers out there as we have chosen May as the month to honor mothers. I have a bit of a pet peeve about choosing one day out of the year to honor mothers when really, mothers should be honored, appreciated and loved every day of the year.
And Dad's don't worry. I want to give a shout out to you too, as June is the month we honor you with Father's Day. Anyone actively involved in parenting deserves special consideration. It is one of the most difficult jobs, with no training provided and the highest stakes I know of any job you can undertake.
Some of us definitely seem to do it more naturally than others but one thing I know: The vast majority of parents are trying to "get it right." We all want the best for our children and most of the time, we are "flying by the seat of our pants," hoping that what we are doing is the right thing for the long term happiness and well-being of our children.
I just want to thank you all for subscribing to my newsletter, for seeking additional information to do the best you can do and for genuinely caring about your children. I applaud you.
I also want to invite you to connect with me in social media. I have been creating an online presence through social media and if you have accounts at linked in, my space, facebook, or twitter, you will find me there under my name Kim Olver. Connect with me and I'll connect back. I am having great fun staying connected with people in that way but I have to be careful to limit my time on it or I'd be facebooking all day long! Hope you join me. I'd love to get to know you better.
Make today the day you want it to be!
Unleash the power within you.
Kim Olver
Feature Article
Parenting: How to Discipline Teenagers
by Kim Olver
I have received a lot of inquires lately about how to discipline teenagers. It’s an interesting topic and one that bears consideration. I believe most of the issue lies in how one identifies the problem. There are three major considerations.
When children enter the teen years, their developmental stage is of separation and individuation, meaning they are attempting to establish themselves as independent of their parents, specifically, and in some cases, society, in general. When this begins to occur, parents often label it rebellion when it’s simply a teen attempting to do what is necessary for his or her psychological development. If this is the case, relax. It won’t last forever.
Think about it. Every generation has their way of separating from the status quo. When I was young, boys had long hair and girls wore mini skirts. In my son’s generation, it was body piercing. He went to college and had his tongue and nipples pierced. Guess what? He’s 25 now and outgrew that by the time he was 22 years-old. There are no signs of the piercing phase.
Second, there is an issue I call problem definition. Sometimes teens develop behaviors parents know are not in their best interest, e.g. isolating in their room, not cleaning their room, not working up to potential on school work, or any other number of things. Parents typically become quite upset about these behaviors because they believe they are not doing a good job of parenting unless they can get their children to see the errors of their ways and change their behavior.
Who do you think is most upset by these situations, you or your child? It is almost unequivocally, YOU! If you are most upset by the problem, then guess what? You own it. It is your problem, not your child’s. Yes, your child may be making some short-term decisions that may ultimately affect his life later, however, he or she is perfectly content with them. As a parent, all you need to do in this situation is provide your child with information about your concerns. Let him or her know what you are worried about and then stop talking. Allow your child to make his or her own decisions. Soon, at age 18, he or she is legally an adult, capable of making all decisions without your permission. Give your child some practice now and don’t get in the way of the consequences.
If your child’s behavior results in an F on the report card or worse, a failed grade, so be it. Teens need to learn how their choices affect what happens to them in a way that teaches personal responsibility and self-discipline for when you’re not around.
Third, is another aspect of problem definition. This often occurs when parents see behaviors in their teens they don’t like. When this happens, parents look at the behavior as the problem, when in actuality it is only a symptom of an underlying unmet need in your child. If all you do is punish the behavior without addressing the unmet need, then your child will either continue the behavior or find new ones, quite possibly worse, in their attempts to meet that need.
What parents need to do in this situation is use the great relationship you have with your child to talk about what may be bothering him or her. The behavior itself is not a problem to be extinguished. The behavior is actually your clue that your child needs something he or she can’t figure out how to get any other way. Take the time to find out what your child needs and to help him or her figure out a better way to get it. Remember the Latin root of discipline means “to teach,” not to punish.
Copyright © May 2009 Kim Olver. All rights reserved.
About Kim OlverTo learn more about my method of parenting, Empowerment Parenting, visit our website, check out our products and sign up for our free mailing list. You will receive tons of helpful parenting articles, tips and advice. Kim Olver is a life coach and public speaker who has a graduate degree in counseling, is a National Certified Counselor and a licensed professional counselor in two states. She has worked in the helping profession since 1982 and has spent her entire life helping people get along better with the important people in their lives. Kim works with couples, parents and children, and individuals seeking to improve their lives. Check out her Empowerment Parenting Home Study Course |
Click here to read some of Kim's other articles
Quote of the Month
“If you resist the natural tendency to rescue or control, you both can recover from mistakes and proceed further with her development of self-sufficiency.”
—David Myers, Ph.D
Dr. Myers is oh so wise with this quote. Many parents seem to fall at either end of the parenting continuum or spend time oscillating between the two. At one end is the controlling, autocratic parent who attempts to orchestrate every move made by their child. They typically have their child's best interests at heart but attempt to keep them safe and/or keep them from making the same mistakes they did. Parents try to keep their children in a protective bubble. This results in a child who is ill-equipped to function in the world.
At the other end are also well-meaning parents who believe it is their job to keep their children safe by saving them from the consequences of their own actions. This parent has actually been labelled the helicopter parent. This parent tends to fight their child's fights for them so they can ensure their child gets what's fair. Unfortunately, this also leads to a child who is ill-equipped to handle the world and often develops a lack of personal responsibility and a sense of entitlement.
Effective parenting, Empowerment Parenting, allows for neither control nor rescue. You influence your children through your positive relationship. When you talk to your child, he or she listens because your child knows you have their best interest at heart. Your child may not agree with your assessment or advice and still do it their way. This is all right. It's called learning. They make choices and then pay the price or reap the benefit of those choices. Your job is simply to educate and provide information your child may not otherwise have.
Book Review
by Lori Radun
My good friend, Lori Radun, a coach, speaker and now author of the book The Momnificant! Life, has a book that I believe will be perfect for the wonderful moms and mums in your lives who are doing the best they can with all the business they are attempting to balance with raising their children.
Lori has developed a system of balance that looks at your inner and outer lives in an attempt to find the delicate balance that leads to being the best you can possibly be. She will take you on a journey of self-discovery and learning that will look at eight important areas of your outer life and then examine eight aspects of your inner life to get you on track for healthy and balanced living.
I suggest you buy a copy for all the moms/mums in your life just in time for Mother's Day. You won't be sorry. Lori has wonderful, sage advice for all the busy moms out there attempting to do it all!
Tip of the Month
I have had several requests recently from parents who want me to use Reality Therapy and Choice Theory (RT/CT) to help their children. Can I help? Well, the answer is yes, I can help if their child wants to make some changes.
Often, parents become so unhappy and disturbed by what their children choose to do that they will do virtually anything to help them get "back to normal." This "abnormal" behavior may be as serious as criminal activity, mental health symptoms or drug/alcohol addiction or it could be more benign such as dropping out of school, getting involved with people parents disapprove of or reducing/restricting their relationship with their parents.
Whatever the behavior is, the choice to engage in it is somehow working for the child. It provides something the child needs. If the child knew, really KNEW, a way to get what he or she needs in a better way, the child would choose it.
Can RT/CT help a person increase their choices and choose more responsible behavior. . .absolutely! But it isn't magic. The person has to at least be willing to hear some alternatives and engage in conversation about them.
When parents ask for help for their child who is not interested in changing, then my focus shifts to the parents. Parents you need to get help for you so you can live with the fact that your child is choosing behaviors you wish they wouldn't. Now, the problem is yours. You are very upset, while your child continues on his or her path.
What does sometimes work like magic, is when parents stop disapproving of their child and his or her behavior and find peace within themselves, sometimes the reason to engage in the behavior is gone and your child will miraculously change. However, don't get help hoping to change your child. Get help so you can achieve peace regardless of the choices made by your children.
Relationship Q & A
Question: How do I get my child to do his homework? He just fights me about it all the time. In fact, sometimes when I make him do it, he won't even turn it in to get credit for it. I just don't understand him.
Answer: My guess is that either he doesn't understand what's being asked of him, he doesn't find any value in doing the homework, there are other things he'd rather be doing or not doing the homework provides him with a sense of freedom, power or connection.
If he doesn't understand the assignment, he may not want to do it because he is afraid of looking dumb. If he gets no value from it, he won't want to waste his time. My children hardly ever did homework. They were auditory learners and written work did nothing to reinforce their learning. He may have other priorities--playing, friends, anything that is more enjoyable than homework. Or he may defiantly not be doing his homework as a way of getting a need met.
Not doing homework can meet a freedom need because he is asserting his independence. It can also help him feel powerful because it is something both you and his teacher want him to do so not doing it proves you can't make him do it. It could also be providing connection because perhaps it isn't "cool" to do homework.
Whatever the reason, can you see something underlies not doing homework. It isn't really about the homework? That's just the vehicle. Understanding the rationale behind not doing homework can help you decide how to proceed with the issue.
Stephen Covey's fifth habit of highly successful people is: "Seek first to understand; then to be understood." Start there and your course of action should become apparent. If it doesn't write me again and we can figure it out together.
Subscribe to receive Inside Out
Copyright © Coaching for Excellence, LLC. All rights reserved