In this Issue

Feature Article
Discipline and Control
by Kim Olver

Teleconferences

Workshops

Chat Room

Quote of the Month
"The Golden Rule of Parenting: Do unto your children as you wish your parents had done unto you!" --Louise Hart

Tip of the Month

Book Review
Connecting Parenting
by Pam Leo

Relationship Q&A

Products & Services

About Kim Olver

Subscribe to Inside Out

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All teleconferences are one (1) hour in length unless otherwise stated and all you need is a telephone. When you register we will send you a phone number that you will call five minutes prior to the start of your teleconference.  You will have the opportunity to ask questions, but if you prefer to just listen that’s all right too. You do not need a computer or Internet, only a telephone. Don’t delay. There are a limited number of slots available. 
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The following teleconferences
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Time Management
August 19, 2008
8:45 - 9:45 p.m. EST

Ever wished you could have some extra time in your day? We all know that's not possible but it is possible to learn to maximize each moment so you can get everything out of your day you want. Join me on the teleconference where I will teach you some time-tested techniques to do just that!

Empowerment Parenting
August 26, 2008
8:45 - 9:45 p.m. EST

You cannot continue to parent your children the way you did when they were younger children, or even the way your parents parented you. The world is different! Children are different! If you do not learn new innovations in parenting, your efforts will likely be ineffective at best, and actually destructive at their worst. Join us for this teleconference and learn about the inherent conflict between parents and their children, as well as ways to circumvent it. You can reasonably insure your child’s safety and still maintain a positive relationship.

Goal Setting & Attainment
October 1, 2008
Offered at two times for your convenience:
3:00 - 4:00 p.m. EST
8:45 - 9:45 p.m. EST

Are you serious about attaining your goals next year? Do you want to do more than make a New Year's Resolution that you forget by the time the Super Bowl is on television? Join me on the free teleconference to learn my time-tested 7-Step process for Goal Attainment. We will do more than set goals--we will discuss a system to implement that will exponentially increase your opportunity for success. Also, my Goal Attainment System is multi-faceted. You won't just be focusing your attention on your career goals unless you want to. My system has you take a look at all areas of your life so you can accomplish an optimal work/life balance for you. There is nothing to lose but an hour of your time and so much to gain. Let's make this your best year yet!

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September 16 -
October 21, 2008
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Six (6) Week teleseries. Click on link for more information or to purchase.

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Chats

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Kim will be available in her chat room for questions and dialog on the following dates and times:

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August 19, 2008
August 26, 2008
September 2, 2008
September 9, 2008
September 16, 2008

Inside Out

Personal Edition
“You can't change the direction  of the wind. . .
but you can adjust your sails!”

             ---Jimmy Dean

Kim Olver, MS, NCC, LPC

www.TheRelationshipCenter.biz
Kim@TheRelationshipCenter.biz

August 12, 2008 - Volume 4, Issue 7

This Month's Feature

Back Again by Popular Demand!!!!

Empowerment Parenting:
Teleconference Series
Six (6) Week Teleseries
September 16 -
October 21, 2008
8:45 - 9:45 EST

You cannot continue to parent your older children the way you did when they were
younger children, or even the way your parents parented you. The world is different! Children are different! If you do not learn new innovations in parenting, your efforts will likely be ineffective at best, and actually destructive at their worst.

Attend this six (6) week teleconference series and learn about the inherent conflict between parents and their children, as well as ways to circumvent it. You can reasonably insure your child’s safety and still maintain a positive relationship. Teach your child how to make good decisions even when you are not there.

Receive a free Empowerment Parenting Tip Sheet when you sign up for this teleseries.

To receive 25% discount off the cost of this teleseries use coupon code #56892. This offer expires at midnight on August 13th.

A Message from Kim

Make today the day you want it to be! 
                Unleash the power within you.

Kim Olver

Feature Article

Discipline and Control
by Kim Olver

Sometimes as parents we need to be extremely creative in our discipline. I managed to have a stroke of creative genius when my son was 16 that I want to share with you that helps illustrate a facet of Empowerment Parenting: "The only person whose behavior you can control is your own."

When Kyle turned 16, he wanted to have a birthday party. As an Empowered Parent, I knew my job was to ensure this was a safe party as best I could so I began to ask him my preliminary questions. How many kids was he inviting? Who were they? What activities was he planning? Where did he want to have the party? Was he thinking he’d have any alcohol or drugs at this party? What was his picture of adult supervision?

His answers basically satisfied me. He wanted 16 friends, male and female. (Every birthday, he had a party with the same number of friends as he had candles on the cake—sixteen years-old, sixteen friends. He wanted this to be a camping party and he planned to play paintball and flashlight tag in the woods behind our house. He assured me there would be no drugs or alcohol at this party but when we got to the adult supervision question, he was adamant he didn’t need or want any.

I let him know that adult supervision was a non-negotiable. If he wanted a party, then he had to agree to adult supervision. After all, I was going to be responsible for 16 underage teens who were not my own. There was a pond in the woods, bear and other dangerous things. I told him I didn’t need to be there the entire time but I would need to check on them periodically to ensure everything was all right.

After complaining and whining that he didn’t need supervision and accusing me of being an overprotective mother, he reluctantly agreed to my supervision. He recognized there would be no party without it. I thought all was well until the day of the party.

The s ixteen friends I knew turned into over 70 kids. There were caravans of cars coming from town with young people, some of whom I had never seen before. Some of them had already graduated. It didn’t take long to find out there was alcohol there when Kyle’s best friend from grade school vomited at my feet!

I went around to all the kids I could find and collected their car keys. I confiscated all the alcohol I could find and dumped it out. I never found evidence of drugs. I hid all pain relievers and acid reducers I had in the house so they could experience the natural consequences of their drinking the next day.

After everyone left and it was time to deal with Kyle, I wasn’t sure what to do. My first thought was to KILL him but I didn’t think that was a very smart idea. I didn’t want to spend the rest of my natural born days in prison orange. (Not my color.) So, I went to my fall back position which was grounding. I believed I needed to ground Kyle for allowing his party to get so out of control. He never came to me to ask for help. I knew I couldn’t trust him so I thought I should ground him until I could trust him again.

There were several problems with this approach. First of all, grounding your child is often a punishment to yourself because children will make it their mission to make their parents’ lives miserable until the grounding is lifted. I didn’t want that. The other problem I saw was that it was at least possible that even though I grounded Kyle, he may decide to go out anyway. Then I had to ask myself how far was I prepared to take that? If he went out, would I lock him out? Would I contact the police? Would I simply let him in with no consequence? I really didn’t want to have to answer those questions. Another problem is that when a child is grounded for lack of trust, how can he earn that trust back? He isn’t placed in any situation to test how trustworthy he actually is. He isn’t learning anything. He is only being punished.

My creativity began to kick in. I was able to recognize the main problem. I was attempting to control Kyle’s behavior. I can’t make anyone do anything he or she doesn’t want to do and here I was trying to coerce my 16 year-old child to stay in the house for an indefinite period of time. Knowing the tenants of Inside Out Empowerment, I know the only person whose behavior I can control is my own. Trying to control Kyle at his age in his rebellious state of mind was a recipe for disaster!

In a moment of supreme creativity, I knew what I had to do. I was going to control my behavior instead of his. I still told Kyle I didn’t trust him. He stuck to his story that he hadn’t invited all those people. I told him I believed him, knowing how news can spread in a small town. However, I didn’t trust him because he hadn’t come to me when things got out of hand.

Since I didn’t trust him, I told him my first thought was to ground him. (No sense telling him I actually wanted to KILL him first!) But I told him I had decided against the grounding. Instead, I wanted him to do anything he wanted to do but since I didn’t trust him, I would go along until I believed I could trust him again. If he went to the school dance the next weekend, I would be a chaperone. If he went to the movies with his friends, I would sit in the theater until he was ready to go. If he went out to eat with his friends, I would go along. . .I was even willing to buy! Wherever he went, I would also go.

I knew he would either ground himself because he didn’t want to be seen with me or we would spend some great quality time together. Had he chosen the latter, he wouldn’t have been mad at me. He wouldn’t be grounded because I said so. He was choosing it because he didn’t want to be seen with me. The opposite occurred. He and I went everywhere together for the next two weeks. He pretended to hate it but I believe he secretly enjoyed the quality time we were able to spend together.

After two weeks of shadowing him, I told Kyle I was feeling able to trust him again. I reinstated the trust and never had another problem with him. He’s almost 23 years-old now.

When you are disciplining your child, are you attempting to control his or her behavior or your own? Is your goal to punish or to teach? If it is to teach, do you think fear and control are good teachers? Did you learn best when afraid or did you simply learn better ways of not getting caught?

If you take the time to be creative enough to think of ways to change your own behavior instead of your child’s and you find methods of motivation and inspiration, you will be rewarded with a stronger, healthier relationship with your child and consequently a greater influence over their future growth and development. Isn’t that what you ultimately want anyway?

Click here to read some of Kim's other articles

Quote of the Month

"The Golden Rule of Parenting: Do unto your children
as you wish your parents had done unto you!"

--Louise Hart

 
This quote really goes along with my tip this month. So often we end up parenting our children the way we were parented. This seems to be our default position. If we aren't parenting consciously, then that will be our fall-back position. When we parent consciously, we need to remember what it felt like to be a child. We need to remember how our parents' actions affected us and consciously decide to do what would be most helpful for our children.

Book Review

Connecting Parenting: Parenting through Connection
instead of Coercion, Through Love instead of Fear
by Pam Leo

This book is fairly close to Empowerment Parenting in its application. Its focus on the relationship you develop with your child as key. Leo talks about respecting your children. If you want them to respect you, then you need to model that behavior with them. This notion is different from the older idea that adults simply command respect by virtue of the fact they are older.

Leo focuses on listening to children's feelings. Instead of just listening to what a child says, listen for the underlying feeling he or she is expressing. As adults we need to remember what those feelings felt like when we were young. Leo also explains that how we communicate will either enhance or detract from the connection we have with our children. We want to be building relationship, not detracting from it.

She devotes an entire chapter to the notion that a child's acting out behavior is not really the problem. It is the child's way of communicating he or she isn't getting something he or she needs. This corresponds nicely to Nancy Buck's idea in Peaceful Parenting that "Behavior isn't the problem, it's the language."

Leo also talks a lot about negotiating so that children and parents can both win. However, she does allow that there will be times when parents' needs have to take precedence but these should be held to a minimum. If you like Choice Theory, Peaceful Parenting and Empowerment Parenting concepts, then I know will enjoy this book.

Click here to order this book

Tip of the Month

This tip is for parents who may be using their relationship with their children to influence their life choices. There is fine line between giving your child information so he or she can make informed decisions about what life decisions he or she wants to make and using your relationship to get your child to make the decisions you want. This is one I have personally been grappling with lately.
 
As many of you know, my son Kyle is in the military and is leaving next month for his second tour in Iraq. He is actually looking forward to the action, adventure and excitement. I mentioned to him my perception that recently it seems more dangerous in Afghanistan than Iraq and he concurred. He said the army would likely be asking for volunteers to go to Afghanistan and he is planning to volunteer.
 
As you can imagine, this is not what I want him to do. I want him to be as safe as possible. I could possibly convince him not to volunteer by making him feel guilty for putting me through that stress and worry. However, what I realize is that Kyle wants to live life on the edge. This is what gets him going. This is the thing that makes him feel alive. It scares the heck out of me but it is how he chooses to live his life.
 
What right do I have to ask him to follow a path I prefer he takes? How can I ask him to stop doing the very thing that gives his life meaning and purpose? I realize I DON'T want to do that and I won't. I am living the life I chose, now it is his turn to do the same. What about you? Are you asking your children to live the life you prefer they live or are you allowing them freedom to choose their own path?

Relationship Q & A

Question: I am writing to you to get some advice on how to deal with girls  entering puberty.
My daughter has that moody attitude. How do I control this? Please assist me with this issue.

Answer: You raise an interesting question. Puberty is not a fun time for parents and often isn't fun for children either. I teach a parenting system called, Empowerment Parenting, based on a foundation of Dr. William Glasser's work, Choice Theory. In this system, I do not help parents "control" the problematic behavior of their children. I don't think this is possible.

If you learn Empowerment Parenting, you will learn the psychology behind what is happening with your child. You will come to understand she has important needs she is trying to get met through her behavior and you have important needs too that you are trying to meet. The goal of Empowerment Parenting is figuring out how you can both get what you need to be successful.

There are several options available for you. I do weekly chats for free on Tuesday at 7:30 PM ET, if that time works for you. I also have some products on my site www.empowermentparenting.com that might interest you. Also don't forget to sign up for my free teleconference Empowerment Parenting on August 26th. If you are looking for more intensive help my very popular Empowerment Parenting Teleseries is beginning again on September 16, 2008.

Check it out and let me know if you have any further questions. I'd like to help you any way I can. I know this time can be challenging.

Workshops

Click on the links for more information and to purchase

Self-Development
with Choice Theory

October 6 - 10, 2008 - Chicago, IL
4 1/2 days - Monday - Thursday 9:00 a.m. - 4:00 p.m.
Friday 9:00 a.m. - 12:00 p.m.

The Basic Intensive Week in Choice Theory and Reality Therapy is a 4 day or 4½-day workshop where you will be exposed to some highly innovative ideas of Dr. William Glasser. You will learn the new psychology of personal freedom called Choice Theory. There is application in this workshop for teachers, school administrators, counselors, therapists, social workers, business managers, clergy, nurses, parents, and anyone interested in improving the quality of their life. You will learn how to empower yourself by distinguishing between those things you can control and those you can’t and focus your energy on those you can. There is practical advice about how to improve the important relationships in your life and how to become the person you want to be. This workshop helps you become more effective in counseling and teaching others, particularly those who may not even know they need your help—non-voluntary clients and less than enthusiastic students. The group size is kept small enough that you will receive individual attention and have plenty of time to have your questions answered.

Empowerment Parenting
October 6, 2008
Chicago, IL-- Prairie State College—Matteson Center
7:00 - 9:00 PM CT
$29.00 (Bring your partner or a guest for free)

This workshop helps parents to understand the psychology behind what is happening with their children at various stages. Parents will learn how to align themselves with their child’s resistance for increased cooperation and compliance. Parents will learn how to sacrifice what they want now—strict compliance, for what they REALLY want—a responsible, caring, child who is capable of making rational decisions. Empowerment Parenting teaches parents simple skills and strategies for helping their children successfully make it through the challenging phases of their lives. Parenting children is no easy task. They don’t come with an instruction manual. Times are different that when your parents parented you! Empowerment parenting shows parents how to compromise and negotiate with their children as they gradually increase freedom as their child demonstrates the responsible behavior to handle and appropriately manage that freedom. This is a challenging way to parent. It is truly parenting for the 21st century. Those who have learned these strategies have been amazed at their results. Their children became more honest with them. Their children became less argumentative. Their children asked for their advice on solutions to their challenges in life. The parental rewards of Empowerment parenting are astronomical!

Relationship Empowerment
October 7, 2008
Chicago, IL-- Prairie State College—Matteson Center
7:00 - 9:00 PM CT
$29.00 (Bring your partner or a guest for free)

So often, couples get stuck in a rut where each individual is waiting for the other to change their ways. In this workshop, participants will learn to engage in the seven caring habits by following the Platinum Rule: Do unto others as they would have you do unto them. Gender differences in relationships will be explored. Participants will learn the three possible relationship choices. Participants will learn a negotiation strategy so both partners win. People will leave knowing that they have the power to change their relationships regardless of what their partners do.

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