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Inside Out Personal Edition “You can't change the direction of the wind. . . but you can adjust your sails!” ---Jimmy Dean Kim Olver, MS, NCC, LPC www.TheRelationshipCenter.biz Kim@TheRelationshipCenter.biz
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| This Month's Feature Teleclass F-R-E-E Teleclass - Anger Management Are you someone who is confronted with angry people in the course of your life? Spouses, children, extended family members, neighbors, community members who have tempers and like to yell at you? Want to learn ways to take the wind out their sails and have them communicating more cooperatively? Then this class is for you Click Here for a full description and to purchase |
A Message from Kim Hi everyone. I am so excited about two things. First, I have launched a new website at www.insideoutcentral.com. This website is devoted to the self-development information and products that I offer, which means they will no longer be located at www.therelationshipcenter.biz. If you are interested in couple relationship information and parenting information, that will continue to be available through this newsletter and at The Relationship Center site. However, the information I have on weight loss, depression, anger management and other self-help topics will be transfered over to www.insideoutcentral.com. If you are interested in continuing to receive this self-development information, then you will need to go to www.insideoutcentral.com and subscribe to that ezine. The subscription box is quite prominant at the bottom of the page on the right-hand side. You will need to provide your first name and primary email address. If you want to continue receiving parenting and couple information and are not interested in the self-development topics, then simply do nothing. The second thing I am so excited about is that our book has been printed and is due to be delivered next week. Some of you may not know about our book, Leveraging Diversity at Work, since it is at our business-related site, www.coachingforexcellence.biz. If you are interested in receiving an email notification of when the book is ready for release, you can sign up at www.leveragingdiversityatwork.com. This has been a major project and we are so excited to finally be able to offer it to others. |
In this Issue Quote of the Week: --Sheila Ellison Book Review About Kim Olver Click on the link below for a description of this amazing
F - R - E - E teleclass. Offered the second Tuesday of every month. Next Class July 11, 2006 --9:00 p.m.
Foster Parenting Teleseries Six (6) Week teleseries. Click on link for more information or to purchase. Foster Parent Agencies - Please click here to order this teleseries
*********************** Kim will be available in her chat room for questions and dialog on the following dates and times: June 30, 2006 --12:00 - 1:00 p.m. **************** Q: I found your site due to arguing with my fiance once again about his anger. I love him more than anything but he really needs to learn to control himself. He told me he would go to counseling if I wouldn't leave him but he didn't go. Now, he's saying he likes his anger and thinks it helps him in situations. I tell him, "Yes, honey, but do you want to go on treating ME like this for the rest of your life?" and he tells me, "Well, no, but you fuel it a lot of the time!" So I can see that we may both be in the wrong. I know he sometimes can't control his anger and I know it comes from his childhood and his mother, he does too. I want more than anything to help him get over this and learn to control it and for me to learn how to effectively calm him down. But I'm afraid to even approach the subject since he's recently discovered that he "doesn't want to change" and it's "my fault." Please help. Since you are the one who reached out, I would really like to be able to help you. I know how difficult it can be when we want our significant other to be different than he is. Women are especially socialized to believe that the love of a great woman will help any man overcome his personality flaws. I'd just like you to consider one question, "What if he never changes?" I have absolutely no investment in your answer to that question. If you say you will love him forever even if his anger stays just the way it is, then I would try to help you make the most of the situation you're in. If you are adament he must change, then I would try to help you with that, knowing that you are the only person you can control. I am concerned that he is attempting to blame you for his anger. This is never a good sign. The approach I use in coaching helps people take responsibility for the choices they make and anger is definitely a choice. Let me know how things work out for you. ******************** Many times people stay in relationships out of habit or hope. Habit because it's been what the person has done consistantly over time and the thought of making a change can be overwhelming. Hope because we hope that someday our significant other will transform into the person we want him or her to be. I am not advocating for ending or maintaining relationships. There are good reasons to stay in them and good reasons to end them. I just want people to be clear about their motivation for making the decision they make. If you stay out of habit, ask yourself it you are willing to continue as you are indefinitely? If you are staying hoping for things to change, ask yourself how long are you willing to wait? If you are willing to wait indefinitely and to continue your current relationship habit, then that's what you'll do. However, if you want to take decisive action to make a change, then the pain of staying has to be greater than the pain of leaving. Honestly evaluating your relationship will help you make the best decision for you.
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52 Free Things to Do with Your One of the things that works to keep relationships alive is spending quality time with each other. In this day of the information age, it is becoming increasingly difficult to carve out the necessary time to nurture our relationships. What with long work hours, helping kids with their homework, transporting them around to their extracurricular activities, getting dinner, cleaning up and going through the bedtime routine, what time is left? Unless you orchestrate the time for your relationship, other less important things will crowd in and take what precious little time you do have. Pick a night that will be “date night” with your partner and make a game out of being as creative as you can be. Try to see how many things you can do without spending money. To get you started, I’ve come up with some suggestions to help you for the next year. What follows are 52 ideas for how to spend creative time together without spending money. Feel free to add or modify any of the items on the list to suit your particular relationship and circumstances. SUMMER
FALL
WINTER
SPRING
Now you have 52 suggestions for things to do with your partner for every week of the year divided by season. Certainly you don’t have to follow my suggestions. Feel free to add your own or to repeat your favorites as often as you’d like. The main point is not to see how kinky you can get. The idea is to keep your relationship alive by making time together a priority. It is important that you find things to do as a couple that you can both enjoy. If you have vastly different interests then you can enter this with the spirit of taking turns and each agree to happily participate in the activity chosen by the one whose turn it is that week. As long as you make a habit of making your relationship a priority and allocating time each week for rejuvenation of the feelings that attracted you in the first place, then you stand a good chance of staying together for the long haul. Please don’t let insidious boredom enter into your relationship through the back door. This is what frequently happens when we are busy placing other things ahead of our time for each other. You know what I mean---the job, the kids, our friend in crisis, etc. There will always be a competing interest for the time you’ve set aside for each other. Other than natural disasters, threat of death or major crises, do not allow your time together to be invaded by any outside forces. Make sure to create opportunities for you to do things together without outside influence. With more than 50% of today’s marriages ending in divorce, make this small investment in the longevity of your relationship. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. What’s stopping you? Start today. Copyright © September 2005 Kim Olver. All rights reserved
NOTICE: This article is free and can be copied and reproduced as long as the copyright and bio is included at the bottom of the article ****************************** "We have to hear our real desires, have the courage to stand up for ourselves, and believe that our own voices are the most important ones we will hear. It means we trust ourselves enough to direct our own lives. . .If you get stuck with someone who wants to contain your growth or control who you are, then you might as well choose to be alone." --Sheila Ellison I have always believed it is best to be alone than to be with the wrong person. This is why it is critical for individuals to know and like themselves so they are comfortable spending time alone. When we don't know who we are, we may think we need a significant other to complete us. When we don't like who we are, we don't enjoy our own company and are looking for a partner to fill our time. When individuals make the decision to become involved in a relationship, it should be because they have something to offer another person and because they would like intimacy in their lives. It should not be because they are looking for another person to "complete" them, nor should it be because they need intimacy in their lives. Next time you contemplate beginning a new relationship, do it when you are content to be alone and this relationship is simply an enhancement to your already full life. ******************************
The Courage to Love Again Ms. Ellison wrote a book for women who are trying to get back into the relationship game after a divorce. Having gone through it herself, Ellison provides a unique perspective on just how devasting a divorce can be to a woman's self-esteem and how dating again really is a process. I liked that she divided her book into two parts and spoke of the inner work that must be done first, and then she addresses the issues involved in starting over. She is a big advocate of getting really clear on what you want and no longer catering solely to the man in your life. Treat yourself and your needs as at least as important as your man's. She believes in making and constantly adjusting a list of what you want in a partner, as well as those things you don't and she cautions about settling for less than you want. She says there are good men out there who are also looking for meaningful, committed relationships so don't use that as an excuse for settling for someone less just because you think it might be your last chance and someone is better than no one. She also has some practical advice about meeting men, dating, sex and even what to say to your children when you are ready. I really appreciated that Ellison does not pretend to know the magic words or the magic timeframe but allows that each woman is different and must do things in her own time without great consideration given to all the unsolicited advice a single woman will hear from others. I think this book may provide newly divorced women some good advice about how to first prepare themselves and then how to get back into the dating scene. Check it out. Click here to order this book |