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Inside Out Personal Edition “You can't change the direction of the wind. . . but you can adjust your sails!” ---Jimmy Dean Kim Olver, MS, NCC, LPC www.TheRelationshipCenter.biz Kim@TheRelationshipCenter.biz
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| This Month's Feature FREE Teleconference Empowerment Parenting You cannot continue to parent your children the way you did when they were younger children, or even the way your parents parented you. The world is different! Children are different! If you do not learn new innovations in parenting, your efforts will likely be ineffective at best, and actually destructive at their worst. Join us for this teleconference and learn about the inherent conflict between parents and their children, as well as ways to circumvent it. You can reasonably insure your child’s safety and still maintain a positive relationship. Click Here for a full description and to register |
A Message from Kim Happy New Year, Everyone. I want to thank all of you who were on my teleseminar for goal attainment on December 27th. It was a great call and I'm so excited about my new Goal Attainment System for 2007. Because it is a new product, I want to offer it to my subscribers first at a 30% discount. This Goal Attainment System has everything in place to help you be successful with your goals in 2007. You will receive my "Goal Attainment Tip Sheet," the 7-week e-Course, quarterly mastermind sessions and monthly email coaching. These items priced individually would cost almost $600 but we have bundled everything together for the unbelievably low price of $194! Use your 30% discount and get it all for only $135.80! Of course you can still buy any of the components separately but I think our System provides the best, and most affordable way to accomplish your dreams. Let me help you accomplish your goals this year. If you decide to purchase our Goal Attainment System, just click on the "buy now" button and put in discount coupon #283031 on the order form and click on the "submit" button. Your 30% discount will be applied when you proceed to checkout. Next month is February already and with it comes Valentine's Day. It's often a time when people are focused on their relationships or their lack of one. Whether you have been married 50 years to the same person or you haven't had a date in five years, you will want to check out our Relationships from the Inside Out home study course. I'll be sending you more information about it later in the month. Make
today the day you want it to be!
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In this Issue Quote of the Month: Book Review
Relationship Q&A About Kim Olver Click on the link below for a description of this amazing
F - R - E - E teleconference. Offered the second Tuesday of every month. Next Class January 9, 2007 9:00 - 10:00 p.m. EST
FREE Teleconference-Empowerment Parenting You cannot continue to parent your children the way you did when they were younger children, or even the way your parents parented us. The world is different! Children are different! If you do not learn new innovations in parenting, your efforts will likely be ineffective at best, and actually destructive at their worst. Join us for this teleconference and learn about the inherent conflict between parents and their children, as well as ways to circumvent it. You can reasonably insure your child’s safety and still maintain a positive relationship. FREE Teleconference -Goal For those of you who missed our call in December you get another opportunity to obtain this great information. Are you serious about attaining your goals next year? Do you want to do more than make a New Year's Resolution that you forget by the time the Super Bowl is on television? Join me on the free teleconference to learn my time-tested 7-Step process for Goal Attainment. We will do more than set goals--we will discuss a system to implement that will expoentially increase your opportuniy for success. Also, my Goal Attainment System is multi-faceted. You won't just be focusing your attention on your career goals unless you want to. My system has you take a look at all areas of your life so you can accomplish an optimal work/life balance for you. There is nothing to lose but an hour of your itme and so much to gain. Let's make 2007 your best year yet! FREE Teleconference-Anger Management Do you have trouble controlling your temper? Do others tell you that you have anger management issues? Are you someone who is confronted with angry people in the course of your life? Spouses, children, extended family members, neighbors, community members who have tempers and like to yell at you? Want to learn ways to take the wind out their sails and have them communicating more cooperatively? Then this class is for you! FREE Teleconference Do you find that your happiness is often contingent on people, circumstances or things that you have no control over? Do you feel like life is just passing you by while you wait for.... Inside Out Thinking is such a powerful way to unleash your personal power in a big way. Take control of your life. FREE Teleconference-Relationships from the Learn the skills you need to create the relationship you deserve. Learn about the seven deadly relationship habits and how to replace them with loving and caring habits. Start improving that relationship you have with your significant other by registering for this amazing class today. ************************ Foster Parenting Teleconference Series Six (6) Week teleseries. Click on link for more information or to purchase. Foster Parent Agencies - Please click here to order this teleseries
Chats Kim will be available in her chat room for questions and dialog on the following dates and times: All Chats are from
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Anger Management: Have you ever found yourself angry with people you care about and didn’t seem able to stop yourself? Do people who love you tell you that you have anger management issues? Have you lost some important relationships or created problems for yourself at work because you couldn’t seem to control your angry behavior? If this describes you, then you need to regain control and stop yourself from hurting others. The first thing to do is to recognize that you are choosing your anger. What? Choosing my anger? Why in the world would I do that? Well, there are several reasons people may choose anger. Let’s see which one best describes you. Some people use anger to intimidate others and subsequently get what they want. In this way, the angry person is able to control the behavior of others. Some people use their anger as a way of getting attention. If a person needs attention, it doesn’t always matter whether that attention is positive or negative, as long as someone is noticing him or her. Anger can also be used as a tactic to avoid responsibility. If a person doesn’t want to do something, anger can be a valid way to get out of it. Similar to wanting attention, sometimes people are feeling small and insignificant and anger works to pump themselves up or provide courage to do something scary. And others use it as an emotional release, much the same way a pressure cooker lets off steam. Anger has energy. When someone is experiencing things that are frustrating, he or she may not be dealing with his or her anger. Instead of processing it, cognitively restructuring some belief systems or working out the energy physically, anger can provide a much needed release valve. Do you recognize yourself in any of those scenarios? When you lose your temper, which one of these reasons best identifies what you are trying to accomplish? Perhaps you have yet another reason. One thing I know for sure is that you always behave in your best attempt to get something you want. Your behavior is never random and it never “just happens" to you. It’s a very subtle difference but an important one nonetheless. All behavior is proactive. You do not choose a behavior because of something that occurred outside of you. For example, I can remember asking my youngest son to clean his room. He said he would do it later—only later never came. So, I patiently asked him a second time. Again, he said he’d do it later. This went on for most of the day. Finally, in exasperation, I lost my temper with him and yelled at him about cleaning his room. The question is why did I get angry? Most people would say I got angry because my son wouldn’t do what I asked. However, the real reason is that I used my anger as my best attempt to get my son to clean his room. (Just for the record, it didn’t work very well.) Why am I making this seemingly insignificant distinction? Because once you become conscious of the reasons you are choosing your behavior, then you can consciously choose to do something more responsible and more effective. More responsible means you are getting your needs met without interfering with other people meeting theirs. Effective means it actually works to get you what you really want. When you use anger, it is not responsible because anger almost always interferes with the other person getting his or her needs met. You definitely have not only the right, but also the responsibility to get your needs met but not at the expense of someone else. Underlying most reasons for choosing anger, you are probably attempting to improve an important relationship in your life. Anger will never work to do that. You may get the initial satisfaction of getting the other person to do your bidding, but you have damaged something in the relationship. You must make a proactive plan about what you are going to do instead of using anger. It should be something that has at least an equal chance of getting you what you want while supporting others in their process of getting their own needs met. Copyright © January 2007. Kim Olver. All rights reserved
NOTICE: This article is free and can be copied and reproduced as long as the copyright and bio is included at the bottom of the article
“People are more comfortable with the emotion of anger than the responsibility of acceptance.” —Marcus C. Gentry How often is your anger displayed because circumstances or other people are not the way you want them to be. We use our anger to attempt to change things so they can fit our world. However, the higher road is to understand that the only thing you have the right and the responsibility to change is you. Hence, an acceptance of your current circumstances and the people in it will lead you to a more satisfied life. Most of human suffering comes from a nonacceptance of the present moment. Just because you learn acceptance, does not mean you can't work to better your circumstances. On the contrary, when you calmly accept where you are right now, you will have more energy to actually move in the direction you would more like to be. ******************************
The Love List: Eight Little Things that Make I enjoyed this quick little book on improving a couple's marriage. I didn't particularly care for the way it was presented, as in a "To Do List" but I do believe that if you follow the Parrott's advice about implementing these eight things you can do for your marriage, you will see a definite improvement. The Parrott's break it down into two things to do every day (touch each other and laugh together), two things to do every week (do something active together to lift your spirits and remember to appreciate your partner to lift his or her self-esteem), two things to do monthly (get rid of old resentments and frustrations and make a special date with each other for If you are looking for a commonsense approach to improve your relationship, this book can help. Click here to order this book ****************************** Feeling angry is not the problem. Everyone, at some point in their lives will experience the emotion of anger. It is meant to be a signal that something is wrong in our world. If you learn to use anger as a sign that there is something to which you need to attend, then it will serve you to pay attention to whatever is out of order in your life. Instead of lashing out at those things that aren't the way you want them to be, you can focus your energy on finding something good about the situation that you can appreciate. Take the time to think of things you can tell yourself that will bring down the emotional intensity of the situation. For example, I spoke about the situation with my son not cleaning his room when I asked. I got angry to try to get him to do what I wanted. That was my signal to examine my current circumstances. When I did, I realized that the problem really wasn't my son's--it was mine. I was the one most upset by the situation, not him. If his room not being clean was bothering me so much, then I needed to change it. I could either accept the fact that it was his choice to live in filth if he wanted, I could clean the room myself, I could continue to nag him and possibly punish him until he cleaned it or I could restructure my thinking. I did a combination. I decided his room was his domain and he could keep it however he liked and I restructured my thinking. I began to appreciated how fortunate I was to have this wonderful child in my life. Soon he would be leaving for college and I wanted to count the specialness of every moment I still had with him. You really can turn your anger into something more constructive. Treat it as a signal and then take control of those things you can control instead of trying to control everyone and everything around you! ****************************** Q: Short of counting to ten, in the short term, what else can I do to keep myself from exploding? 1. You can give yourself a time out. When you are angry, you often attempt to control the other person by giving him or her a timeout. Stop trying to control others and give yourself a physical separation from the circumstance that is annoying you. 2. You can find a physical way of expending the angry energy. Some people run, others box, I used to do the dishes or dust, and I can remember my father chopping wood. Anger is energy and if you can provide it an outlet, rather than storing it in your psyche, your anger will dissipate. 3. Finally, you can have a preconceived series of self-talk statements that go into automatic pilot when your anger is triggered. You can tell yourself something like, "Isn't this interesting? I'm feeling angry again. I wonder what that is about?" or "Wow, I'm feeling really angry. That must mean that I have something to look at more closely." You will basically be observing your own behavior in the role of an observer and remove yourself from the momentary affective experience. This will require practice because these thoughts have to kick in automatically, like a habit. Let me know how this works out and which method is more effective for you. |