In this Issue
Featured Article
Alone: Who are You?
Upcoming Events
Teleclasses
Workshops
Chat Room
E-Courses
Quote of the Week:
"The more love we project, the more loving people we will attract. Guess what we attract when we project neediness, judgment, or any of those other love-destroying qualities?"
--Susan Jeffers, Ph.D.
Tip of the Month
Book Review
Love & Respect
by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs
Relationship Q&A
Tip Sheets
Free Stuff
About Kim Olver
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Upcoming Events
Click on title of class to order
teleclass or visit
www.TheRelationshipCenter.biz
ALL TIMES IN EST
Teleclasses
All teleclasses are one (1) hour in length unless otherwise stated and all you need is a telephone. When you register we will send you a phone number that you will call five minutes prior to the start of your teleclass. You will have the opportunity to ask questions, but if you prefer to just listen that’s all right too. You do not need a computer or Internet, only a telephone. Don’t delay. There are a limited number of slots available.
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Relationships
the Choice Theory Way
Click on the link below for a description of this amazing F - R - E - E teleclass. Offered the second Tuesday
of every month.
Next Class
April 11, 2006 --9:00 p.m.
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F-R-E-E Teleclass - How to Talk to Your Child
April 13, 2006 - 8:00 - 9:00 p.m.
Have you ever attempted to have a discussion with your teen that turned into a war zone? Have you tried to talk to your teen and been ignored or dismissed? Talking to teenagers in a way that they hear us is a challenge. There is a delicate line to walk between sharing your knowledge, values, and experiences and lecturing (what your child believes he or she hears). Would you like to maximize the chances your child will listen to you? Join us on this call to learn how to deliver information in a way that your child can hear. Learn how to negotiate to minimize conflict in your relationship. Learn how to become friends with your teenager again while still maintaining your parental role.
Grief & Loss Healing
March 29, 2006 -- 7:00 - 8:00 p.m.
Have you lost a loved one? Would you like to learn some positive ways of coping? Would you like to return to the world of the living? Join our class. You will learn how to honor the memory of your loved one and still manage to navigate your own life without overwhelming sadness.
Effective Communication
April 11, 2006 -- 8:00 - 9:00 p.m.
Would you like to have better communication with your significant other? Would you like to understand and have them understand you better? This class can help. You will learn about different communication styles between men and women and how to maximize the chances you will be heard and understood.
Interracial Dating
April 19, 2006 -- 8:00 - 9:00p.m.
Are you, or would you like to be, involved in an interracial relationship? Are you concerned about the potential issues that may be involved with society’s lack of acceptance of these relationships? Then join us on this call. We will discuss the advantages, as well as the disadvantages, of being involved with someone from a different race. We will outline some steps you can take to inoculate yourself from other people’s prejudices.
Conflict Resolution
May 2, 2006 -- 7:00 - 8:00p.m.
Are you in a situation where conflict is a common occurrence? Perhaps there is conflict within your home or extended family? On the other hand, perhaps the conflict is typically with outsiders---neighbors and community members. Wherever the conflict, this class will teach you ways to recognize potential pitfalls and how to avoid them. You will also learn a way to negotiate that maximizes the likelihood that you will get what you want.
Foster Parenting Teleseries
Commencing Mondays
April 10, 2006 - May 15, 2006
8:00 - 9:00 p.m. EST
Six (6) Week teleseries. Click on link for more information or to purchase. Foster Parent Agencies - Please click here to order this teleseries
Empowerment Parenting:
Parenting your Child through Difficult Phases in his or her Life Teleseries
Six (6) Week Teleseries Commencing Mondays April 10, 2006 -
May 15, 2006
8:00 - 9:00 p.m. EST
We cannot continue to parent our older children the way we did when they were younger children, or even the way our parents parented us. The world is different! Children are different! If we do not learn new innovations in parenting, our efforts will likely be ineffective at best, and actually destructive at their worst.
Attend this teleclass series and learn about the inherent conflict between parents and their children, as well as ways to circumvent it. You can reasonably insure your child’s safety and still maintain a positive relationship.
The focus will be more educational than therapeutic. Parents will learn a negotiation method that will help them work out win/win solutions with their teen in a way that’s fair and nonconfrontational...It’s just one hour a week for six weeks to learn how to create the caring, supportive, trusting and protective relationship that you want with your child.
Once you learn the things you will need to know about yourself and your child in this teleseries, you’ll realize that it isn’t so difficult, after all, to parent your children through difficult phases in their life, still stay the parent, and keep your child safe at the same time. Being a parent doesn’t have to be burdened with frustration, conflict and worry. It can be fun, creative and relatively simple!
Click Here for a full description and to register
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Chats
All times listed in EST
Kim will be available in her chat room for questions and dialog on the following dates and times:
April 7, 2006 - 8:00 - 9:00 p.m.
April 13, 2006 - 9:30 - 10:30 p.m.
April 18, 2006 - 1:00 - 2:00 p.m.
April 25, 2006 - 5:00 - 6:00 p.m.
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E-Courses
Relationship Magic
In this 16-week course, couples or singles looking for a mate, will learn about their basic needs, explore their value systems, and discuss and articulate their general goals and direction for their lives. They will learn about some significant differences between men and women and be taught some secrets to satisfying their partner better by speaking the language of their partner. Kim’s new golden rule is: “Do unto others as they would want you to do unto them!” Giving to our partners what we would want for ourselves is often ineffective, misunderstood and sometimes damaging to our relationships. We will discuss ways to increase effective communication, minimize the use of the deadly relationship habits and maximize the implementation of the caring relationship habits. Sensitive topics that frequently create conflict between couples will be discussed: parenting, finances, free time together or apart, jealousy, sex, and extended family & friends. Finally, ways to minimize and manage conflict will be taught and you will have opportunities to practice. Email support will be provided between lessons---one email per week to answer questions or clarify content. Only $74.00.
Parenting your Child without Navigating a War Zone
In this 20-week course, parents will learn how to work with their children to create a harmonious home environment where each are able to get what they need. We will discuss yesterday’s model of parenting, as well as why it’s ineffective with children today. You will learn a firm foundation in Choice Theory, which explains all human behavior---including yours and your children’s. You will learn how to negotiate win/win solutions so as not to experience all the resistance children like to use. Issues such as homework; sex; drinking/drugs; choice of friends; curfew; chores; music, hairstyle, piercings and tattoos; and bedtime are all weekly lessons designed to give you some insight as to how to manage those situations with your children. Only $97.00
Finding Peace after the Loss of Your Loved One
In this 12-week course, you will learn techniques to help ease the pain of the death of a loved one, the end of a cherished relationship or the separation from a loved one due to distance. You will learn ways to articulate the loss, understand your anger and frustration, taking inventory of all you have lost, finding ways to memorialize your loved one as an inoculation to the depression and learning to reframe the experience. Kim lost her husband six years ago and has first-hand experience in how to ease that pain. Help yourself rejoin the living by taking this e-course. You won’t even have to leave your home. Only $49.00
Lose the Weight You Want Forever
In this 12-week course, you will learn Choice Theory, the new psychology of personal freedom, as an explanation for why you do what you do---no matter what is behind your weight issue, this theory can provide a framework for understanding. How many times have you attempted to lose weight only to gain it and more back again? Are you tired of being on a diet? Wonder what makes this program different? Well, in the first place, it is done in the privacy of your own home at your own pace. You decide when to complete the next lesson. This program does not focus on the number on the scale. It is about what you tell yourself and the habits in which you engage. Most weight loss programs fail because you are still having thoughts and behavior that support your bad habits. This program will help you change that. You will learn the psychology and physiology about weight loss. Along with this knowledge comes a decision for you to make---what are you going to do with this new knowledge? You will explore your past successes, your food triggers and the thoughts you tell yourself. You will learn ways to reprogram your mind for long lasting change. This program can help you become more satisfied when you look in the mirror. You will be able to visualize the end result from the beginning. You will find the right and healthy weight for yourself and be happy when you accomplish it. You will have more energy and a more positive outlook on life. Give it a try. We offer a 150% money back guarantee. If you have applied the ideas in this course and are not completely satisfied with the quality of the program, then you simply let us know and we will refund what you paid plus 50% and you get to keep the lessons you were sent besides! How can you lose? And it’s Only $49---much less than other weight loss programs!
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Alone: Who are You?
by Kim Olver
Relationships generally begin when both people are in the “Alone Stage,” although I am aware that often affairs begin when one or both partners are involved with someone else. It is my contention that relationships have a greater chance of success when both parties have spent some time alone and unconnected with a lover.
What does a person do with this time alone? If you are interested in creating the relationship you deserve, then you must become the best person you can be. Each successive relationship we engage in provides us with lessons and information we need to reflect upon. If we are attracting the “wrong” people into our lives, then perhaps it is because we are not the person we need to be in order to create a relationship with the person of our dreams.
This also means that each “wrong” person we attract into our lives is exactly the right person we need to teach us the lesson we need to get to move closer to the person we truly want. This is why I never look back at any relationships I have had with regret. Maybe not in the moment, but over time, I have come to understand that I learned valuable lessons in each of my past relationships and I grew, which then helped me become a better person.
Whenever we find ourselves in between relationships, it is not a time to longingly wish for the next partner to arrive. It is not the time to go out “prowling” for the next person to make you complete. The time between relationships is a very important healing time. It is a time to look back on the past relationship to discover what that person was there to teach you about life, love and yourself. It’s a time of introspection to determine who you want to be in a relationship. I’m not talking about playing roles but I am talking about a genuine transformation of yourself into the person who deserves the relationship you seek.
No one dreams their entire life about meeting a mediocre partner—someone who thinks of them sometimes, who loves them a little and takes care of some of their needs. No one looks to get involved in relationships with people who lie, cheat and disrespect them. No one asks for verbal or physical abuse in a relationship. So how can we break the pattern of choosing the same type of person over and over again? I believe the key is to look at each relationship as the perfect relationship you needed at that point in time and then go about attempting to figure out what it was about the person that made him or her perfect for you during that period in your life.
Once you figure this out, you will have learned a valuable lesson. If you take that lesson and put it to use in your life, then you have one half of the equation.
The other half is about preparing yourself to be the kind of person who will attract the relationship of your dreams. If you are seeking a person to be loyal and to stand by you no matter what, then ask yourself the difficult question of whether or not you have those same traits and characteristics you seek. If there is something in your character that has caused you to be disloyal, then do some introspection to learn what you need to heal in order to become the person you truly want to be.
Relationships only act as a mirror, showing us those things about ourselves we don’t want to see. When we welcome the information and seek to learn from it, doing so will move us closer in the direction of becoming who we want to be.
It also helps during this alone time to take an inventory of the traits, qualities and characteristics we want in our “perfect mate.” It is far more likely that we will attract the person we want when we become crystal clear about exactly what we are looking for. My list included having someone to love me for who I am, not in spite of who I am. I wanted a partner with loyalty, integrity, honesty, good looks, intelligence, a sense of humor, romance and availability (not involved with someone else). I wanted a man who was strong but gentle, decisive but sensitive and confident without being conceited. I wanted someone with whom I shared common interests and someone who didn’t feel the need to control me or compete with me. Guess what? After I was clear about what I was looking for, the “perfect” person for me walked into my life.
Another thing I find extremely helpful during the “Along Stage” is to remember that you are perfect just the way you are. You are totally complete without a significant person to share your life. So often, in the Along Stage, we are focusing on our lack, instead of our abundance. We look at the one thing we don’t have, a romance, and waste the time we have been given feeling sorry for ourselves instead of putting the gift of time to use for the betterment of mankind in our own unique way.
In conclusion I say, first allow yourself alone time. Don’t be in such a hurry to jump into the next relationship before processing the last one. Take time to analyze the lesson in your past relationship(s). Use the alone time to search introspectively to assess whether or not you are the person you need to be to allow the person you seek to come into your life. And finally, focus not on your lack of relationship, but rather on what you can do to help others during this time.
Used wisely, your alone time can truly make an incredible difference in the way you experience your next relationship. Don’t short change yourself. Maximize and leverage the time you have been given between relationships. It is truly a gift.
Copyright © March 2006 Kim Olver. All rights reserved
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Quote of the Week
"The more love we project, the more loving people we will attract. Guess what we attract when we project neediness, judgment, or any of those other love-destroying qualities?"
--Susan Jeffers, Ph.D.
This quote seems to punctuate my point in the article that we must become the person we need to be in order to attract into our lives that special someone we have been dreaming of. During our alone time or time between relationships, we need to take stock of exactly who we are and determine if we have what it takes to attract and then, to maintain the relationship we are craving.
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Tip of the Month.
Along with the message of Love and Respect below, want to reiterate that if you are unhappy in your relationship, it is up to YOU to do something about it. If you are waiting for your significant other to change in order for you to be more loving or appreciative, then I will wager that your relationship will most likely stay exactly the way it is or possibly even get worse.
If you want your husband to be more loving and attentive to you, then you need to be more respectful and appreciative of the things he does for you. When was the last time you thanked your husband for going to work every day to earn a living? When was the last time you thanked him for being willing to die for you? You can start today by writing him a letter telling him all the things you respect about him as a man. Build him up. He needs that from you.
If you want your wife to be more respectful and appreciative with you, then you need to be more loving and attentive to her. When was the last time you walked into the kitchen while she was cooking a meal and asked if you could do anything to help? When was the last time you asked her about her day and actually listened to her answer without trying to fix things? You can start by just listening to her and attempting to understand how she was feeling during her accounting. She needs to know you care.
Take the first step and keep taking them until your partner begins to notice something is different. I believe your relationship will improve. If it doesn’t, what have you lost? But can you imagine what you will gain if it does? Isn’t it worth a try?
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Book Review
Love & Respect
by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs
I found this book to be on par with John Gray’s Men are From Mars; Women are from Venus book. Dr. Eggerichs discusses the differences between men and women and how each needs to be more in touch with what the other one needs. When men attempt to treat their wives as they would want to be treated, they inevitably end up doing the “wrong” thing and when women attempt to love their husband as they want to be loved, they also do the “wrong” thing. If you are a Christian, you will be pleased that Dr. Eggerichs bases his book on Biblical scriptures. If you do not consider yourself a religious person, I don’t believe the scripture verses take anything away from the message.
Dr. Eggerichs mainly focuses on the woman’s need for love and the man’s corresponding need for respect. He says that there is a “Crazy Cycle” where when men feel disrespected, they withdraw their love from the relationship and when women feel unloved, they withdraw their respect from the relationship. In relationships where this cycle has been raging, it is difficult to find someone willing to break the cycle because he or she finds it hard to believe that if the husband is more loving toward his wife, she will respond with less criticism and more respect. Similarly, if the wife is more respectful toward her husband, he will respond with more loving behavior.
Dr. Eggerichs calls this the “Energizing Cycle” and he supports it with very specific behaviors each gender must use. He says women need C-O-U-P-L-E, while husbands need C-H-A-I-R-S. Yes, these are acronyms for spelling love to the wife and respect to the husband. All of what he says appears to be in line with what I believe is true of the majority of men and women in relationships.
The final section of his book is more for Christians as he describes the “Rewarded Cycle.” This is where he instructs couples that their reward for loving their wives and respecting their husbands is in heaven and a person really does it to serve God.
As a highly spiritual but non-religious person, I found the book to be very helpful and I think it is a great book for both men and women who are looking for some common sense ideas about improving their relationship.
Click here to order this book
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Relationship Q&A
Q: My husband is a workaholic and is never home. When he is home, he is working around the house. He never talks to me or my daughter anymore. I don’t even feel like we have a marriage anymore. Really all we do is sleep in the same bed. What can I do?
A: I don’t have any magic answers for the turning the workaholic into a non-workaholic. I will tell you three things, though, that I believe will help and they are all completely within your control. First, make the time, however little it is, that he does spend at home wonderful for him. Don’t nag him about what he isn’t doing. Don’t complain about all the time he spends working. Don’t punish him for not being the kind of husband you dream of. After all, if all he gets is negative at home, why would he want to spend time there?
Secondly, and this may seem counterintuitive, but praise him and thank him for all the hard work he does. Let him know you appreciate the effort he is making for you and his family. If he begins to feel that you appreciate his efforts, he may begin to feel more warmly toward you and want to be around you more often.
Finally, you can reframe the work that your husband does in your own mind. Instead of thinking of his work as your competition for his time, begin to think of the work your husband does as the language he uses for saying, “I love you.” It is true that your husband may work because he loves to work but also he defines his worth as a man and a husband by how well he is able to take care of his family. This may not change the reality of the situation but it will help you to feel better about what is happening in your life.
Please, let me know how this all works out.
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Tip Sheets
Relationship Improvement Tip Sheet - A fourteen (14) page document loaded with helpful tips on how to improve your relationship with the significant people in your life. FREE when you purchase one of our Coaching Packages or available by direct purchase by clicking on the title above. Click here to go to our list of coaching packages.
Parenting Tip Sheet - Nineteen (19) page Tip Sheet on how to parent your child in today's world using Choice Theory Parenting. Choice Theory Parenting involves a process in which you learn to understand the inherent conflict between you and your child and learn about the five basic human needs. Understanding these basic needs, which we are all born with, will help you improve the relationship with your child and maintain that relationship through the adolescent years.
Anger Management Tip Sheet - In this seven (7) page tip sheet, you will gain some insight into your own anger and learn methods for getting it under control. And if you have no problem with your own anger, there is also information about how you can manage the anger of others.
There are five proven techniques that help to diffuse an angry person’s anger when implemented with genuineness. Do you live with or have regular interaction with someone who is often frustrated and angry? Then this information can help that person as well as you. Your stress will decrease and you will develop more satisfying relationships. Give it a try. There is nothing to lose. If you are not satisfied with the information presented, just send me an email and I’ll return the money you paid and you can keep the report!
Twelve Steps to Help you Lose the Weight Forever - In this thirteen (13) page report you will learn skills to help lose the weight and keep it off. You will learn Choice Theory, the new psychology of personal freedom, as an explanation for why you do what you do---no matter what is behind your weight issue, this theory can provide a framework for understanding. How many times have you attempted to lose weight only to gain it and more back again? Are you tired of being on a diet? Wonder what makes this program different? Well, in the first place, it is done in the privacy of your own home at your own pace. You decide when to complete the next lesson.
Choice Theory Report
Choice Theory, a concept developed by William Glasser, is an explanation of human behavior. Choice Theory has five basic components —the basic human needs, the quality world, the perceived world, the comparing place and total behavior. This report gives a more detailed explanation of these five components
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