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Inside Out Personal Edition “You can't change the direction of the wind. . . but you can adjust your sails!” ---Jimmy Dean Kim Olver, MS, NCC, LPC www.TheRelationshipCenter.biz Kim@TheRelationshipCenter.biz
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| This Month's Feature FREE Teleconference Empowerment Parenting You cannot continue to parent your children the way you did when they were younger children, or even the way your parents parented you. The world is different! Children are different! If you do not learn new innovations in parenting, your efforts will likely be ineffective at best, and actually destructive at their worst. Join us for this teleconference and learn about the inherent conflict between parents and their children, as well as ways to circumvent it. You can reasonably insure your child’s safety and still maintain a positive relationship. |
A Message from Kim April is Child Abuse Awareness month. I decided to devote this issue of my newsletter to the topic of child sexual abuse. As a counselor working in the foster care arena for over 17 years, I was often faced with the devastation that children experience from this horrific violation of trust and the stealing of their innocence. Conversely, I was also struck by many children’s perseverance and strength to overcome the devastating effects of what those who were trusted to love them had perpetrated. I know I may sound like I’m on a soap box about this but this is a social problem that is more prevalent than you may believe. I will give you the statistics several times just to drive home the point that whether or not you are aware of it, you probably know several children who are being sexually abused right now and even more adults who have been sexually abused in their childhoods. Researchers estimate that one in three girls and one in six boys will be sexually molested prior to their 18th birthday. If you are a teacher with 15 girls in your classroom, odds are that five of those girls has been or are being sexually molested and most abuse happens within the home and is perpetrated by people known to the child. Please, please, please I beg you to educate your children to this danger. You tell them about fire. You tell them about staying away from the swimming pool. You tell them to be careful around strange dogs. You tell them not to talk to strangers but what have you done to educate your child about the dangers of someone they love abusing their trust? Read on for some ideas of what to do. Make
today the day you want it to be!
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In this Issue Quote of the Month: "There is more hunger for love and appreciation –Mother Teresa Tip of the Month Book Review
Relationship Q&A Home Study Courses Free Stuff About Kim Olver Relationships On-going teleconference, offered the second Tuesday
Empowerment Parenting You cannot continue to parent your children the way you did when they were younger children, or even the way your parents parented you. The world is different! Children are different! If you do not learn new innovations in parenting, your efforts will likely be ineffective at best, and actually destructive at their worst. Join us for this teleconference and learn about the inherent conflict between parents and their children, as well as ways to circumvent it. You can reasonably insure your child’s safety and still maintain a positive relationship.
Inside Out Thinking Do you find that your happiness is often contingent on people, circumstances or things that you have no control over? Do you feel like life is just passing you by while you wait for.... Inside Out Thinking is such a powerful way to unleash your personal power in a big way. Take control of your life. Anger Management Do you have trouble controlling your temper? Do others tell you that you have anger management issues? Are you someone who is confronted with angry people in the course of your life? Spouses, children, extended family members, neighbors, community members who have tempers and like to yell at you? Want to learn ways to take the wind out their sails and have them communicating more cooperatively? Then this class is for you! Relationships from the Learn the skills you need to create the relationship you deserve. Learn about the seven deadly relationship habits and how to replace them with loving and caring habits. Start improving the relationship you have with your significant other by registering for this amazing class today. Goal Setting & Attainment For those of you who are having less than stellar performance with accomplishing your goals on your own, you have another opportunity to get the support and accountability you need to be successful. Are you serious about attaining your goals this year? Do you want to do more than make a New Year's Resolution that you forget by the time the Super Bowl is on television? Join me on the free teleconference to learn my time-tested 7-Step process for Goal Attainment. We will do more than set goals--we will discuss a system to implement that will exponentially increase your opportunity for success. ************************
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Child Sexual Abuse This is not a topic that is typically sought and read with fervor but if you are a parent or a person who loves any child under the age of 18, then you need to know the staggering statistics of child sexual abuse. Different references provide different statistics but the general consensus among the experts is that one in three girls will be sexually abused before she reaches the age of eighteen and one in six boys will be molested before their 18th birthday.
Also, a new statistic is emerging about solicitation on the Internet. Child Help reports that one in five children is sexually solicited while surfing the Internet! How much unsupervised time does your child spend on the Internet? Do you think he or she knows enough to not give out personal details to a perpetrator online? Think again. Adult perpetrators are very good at manipulating children into revealing information or victimizing them through either bribes or threats. Most parents know to educate their children not to talk to strangers. Parents want to believe that it is some deranged pedophile who catches and molests unsuspecting children. However, that is not the reality according to national statistics. Another myth that must be dispelled is that sexual abuse only happens to socioeconomically disadvantaged families, one-parent families or families with drug involvement. This simply is not true. Child sexual abuse occurs as much in rural areas, as in urban areas and cuts across all racial, ethnic and socioeconomic groups. There have been studies that show it is more likely to occur within families who isolate themselves from others, in families where alcohol abuse is a factor and in families where there has been a generational history of abuse. Most perpetrators establish a long-term relationship with their victims. There is a grooming process that occurs. It may start with preferential treatment, providing gifts and special privileges to earn a child’s trust. The child may not want to lose his or her special status or the relationship with the perpetrator so they go along as unwilling participants. If the child is young enough, he or she may not even know there is anything wrong with the perpetrator’s behavior. There are also times when the perpetrator convinces the child catastrophic events will occur if the child tells. They may have threatened to kill the child or the child’s mother if the child tells. They may have threatened to start abusing a younger sibling if the child tells. There are many reasons why your child may never share what is happening. According to Child Help, 30% of victims never disclose their abuse to anyone, while 75% end up disclosing accidentally. Later, 20% who disclose end up recanting. Children do not make up these stories. Statistics show children only fabricate stories of sexual abuse ½% of the time. Believe your child if he or she shares someone has touched him or her inappropriately, even if it is someone you love. A book that is designed to help parents educate their children about the dangers of child sexual abuse is called, A Very Touching Book by Jan Hindman and Tom Novak. Please don’t wait until it’s too late. Arm your child with information that can protect him or herself.
NOTICE: This article is free and can be copied and reproduced as long as the copyright and bio is included at the bottom of the article
Quote of the Month ****************************** "There is more hunger for love and appreciation –Mother Teresa A child comes into this world seeking protection and love from those around him or her. Children are born with the expectation that they will be nurtured and protected as they were in the womb. When a child’s innocence is shattered by someone he or she loves and trusts, it can have severe long-lasting consequences. It is interesting, many studies have been done on the survivors of child sexual abuse and two of the factors that affect the ability of the child to heal is how loved and trusted the perpetrator was and whether or not the child was believed. The closer the relationship with the perpetrator, the more difficult the recovery is. Recovery is also hampered when the child tells and is not believed. Make sure your child knows you will believe him or her no matter the consequences to yourself or your relationship with the perpetrator. Children must be believed and protected.
****************************** A Very Touching Book for little people and for big people Years ago, I heard this author speak at a child abuse conference and was impressed by her opening statement. She started by sharing that her husband of some 20 years was with her that day and there was only one person in the room she was certain wasn’t a child abuser and that was herself! She said she loved her husband, had no reason to suspect him of child abuse but that was the whole point. Child abusers do not go around advertising their behavior for all to see. They operate in a world of deception and secrecy. The very person you trust and hold dearest, may in fact be abusing your child. This is not said for you to become paranoid or to never leave your child’s side. This is said as a wake up for parents that there are over 80,000 victims of child sexual abuse walking around the US today, according to one statistic. One in three girls and one in six boys will be molested prior to their 18th birthday. Your child could be one of them. Most are abused by people they know and trust. What’s a parent to do? Two things can help—educate your child and believe your child. This book will provide the education. It is a somewhat graphic book but graphics are necessary in order for children to understand the material. The book is to help children understand the difference between good touch, bad touch and secret touch. Sexual abuse used to be called, and still is by many, “bad touch.” This can create sexual difficulties later in life if children come to believe that sex is “bad.” What makes child sexual abuse wrong is its secrecy. Whenever a perpetrator molests a child, he or she will convince the child to keep quiet about it. They either convince the child that the child has been bad and will be punished, that the child will lose special privileges or that something bad will happen to someone the child loves and wants to protect. This book explains all that and encourages kids to tell and keep telling until someone believes them. Let that someone be you.
Click here to order this book
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In order to protect your child from becoming a victim of child sexual abuse, you do not have to prematurely go into all the mechanics of sex. A child’s development does not allow for comprehension at that level, nor are many parents comfortable discussing that information with young children. What you can do, however, is talk about private parts and that big people are not supposed to touch little people’s private parts except for very specific times—like bathing, or doctor’s visits, or diaper changes. The difference is that during those times, the touching of private parts does not need to be secret. Children also need language to describe their genitals. If someone has abused them, they need to know what to call these body parts so they can tell someone they trust what happened. You must educate your child. Don’t lull yourself into the false belief that this will never happen to your child. Let your child know that whenever a bigger person touches them and asks them to keep it a secret, that is because the bigger person knows he or she did something very wrong. Let them know they must tell and keep telling until someone believes them and protects them.
********************** Q: I do not know what to do. I suspect something isn’t right. My husband spends a long time tucking our daughter in to bed at night. He used to keep the door open when he did so but now he closes it. My daughter has recently been fighting me about bedtime and wants to sleep with a night light on. I don’t want to believe my husband is doing anything wrong, but I just don’t know what to do. A: This is a difficult question to answer but an important one. It can be just as damaging to accuse an innocent person of child sexual abuse as it is to not believe a child who reports it. This is a situation where I would tell you to trust your instincts. If you have a nagging feeling that something just isn’t right, it probably isn’t. You can tell your husband that your daughter’s door needs to stay open. You can talk to your daughter about secret touch and see what she tells you. You can attempt to catch your husband in the act but remember, if that is the route you take, your daughter could be further victimized. You can explain your concerns to your husband and request his cooperation. If he is unwilling to adjust his behavior, then I would seek professional help or ask him to leave the home. Your daughter’s safety must be your primary concern. When someone in the home is sexually abusing a child, the responsibility of the non-offending spouse is great. In some states, a non-offending spouse can be found guilty of child abuse by omission for not protecting the child. Do not wait. Trust your instincts and seek the answers to your questions.
****************** Click on the links for more information and to purchase Self-Development June 25 - 28, 2007 -- Chambersburg, PA * Empowerment Parenting Cultural Awareness |