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Inside Out Personal Edition “You can't change the direction of the wind. . . but you can adjust your sails!” ---Jimmy Dean Kim Olver, MS, NCC, LPC www.TheRelationshipCenter.biz Kim@TheRelationshipCenter.biz
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| This Month's Feature Free Teleconference Goal Setting & Attainment Come on now; are you serious this time about keeping those New Year’s resolutions? Let’s really get serious about setting those goals for next year. This teleconference will give you a time-proven system for setting and actually attaining those New Year’s resolutions. No more excuses. Register for this call today. All you need is a telephone. Click Here for a full description and to register |
A Message from Kim The holidays are upon us, marking the end of another year and I have put together what I hope is an irresistible offer for you. I know many of you have people on your gift-giving list who have everything. It is hard to know what to get them. I think an information product is the perfect gift for the person who has everything. For the remainder of December, I am discounting all my products 10% for my loyal subscribers and as a bonus, you will also receive my dynamite "Goal Attainment Tip Sheet" to help you get a jump on your success for 2007! If you are serious about truly accomplishing your goals this year, then attend one of my no cost "Goal Setting Teleconferences" scheduled on 12/27. There are two different times for your convenience. You will learn my 7-Step System for Goal Attainment. There is nothing to lose. Come talk with me on December 27th. Wishing you a safe, happy and healthy holiday season. Make
today the day you want it to be!
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In this Issue Quote of the Month: Tip of the Month Book Review
Relationship Q&A Home Study Courses Free Stuff About Kim Olver Click on the link below for a description of this amazing
F - R - E - E teleconference. Offered the second Tuesday of every month. Next Class December 12, 2006 9:00 - 10:00 p.m. EST
FREE Teleconference -Goal Come on now; are you serious this time about keeping those New Year’s resolutions? Let’s really get serious about setting those goals for next year. This teleconference will give you a time-proven system for setting and actually attaining those New Year’s resolutions. No more excuses. Register for this call today. All you need is a telephone. FREE Teleconference-Empowerment Parenting You cannot continue to parent your children the way you did when they were younger children, or even the way your parents parented us. The world is different! Children are different! If you do not learn new innovations in parenting, your efforts will likely be ineffective at best, and actually destructive at their worst. Join us for this teleconference and learn about the inherent conflict between parents and their children, as well as ways to circumvent it. You can reasonably insure your child’s safety and still maintain a positive relationship. FREE Teleconference-Anger Management Are you someone who is confronted with angry people in the course of your life? Spouses, children, extended family members, neighbors, community members who have tempers and like to yell at you? Want to learn ways to take the wind out their sails and have them communicating more cooperatively? Then this class is for you! FREE Teleconference Do you find that your happiness is often contingent on people, circumstances or things that you have no control over? Do you feel like life is just passing you by while you wait for.... Inside Out Thinking is such a powerful way to unleash your personal power in a big way. Take control of your life. FREE Teleconference-Relationships from the Learn the skills you need to create the relationship you deserve. Learn about the seven deadly relationship habits and how to replace them with loving and caring habits. Start improving that relationship you have with your significant other by registering for this amazing class today. ************************ Foster Parenting Teleconference Series Six (6) Week teleseries. Click on link for more information or to purchase. Foster Parent Agencies - Please click here to order this teleseries
Chats Kim will be available in her chat room for questions and dialog on the following dates and times: All Chats are from
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Creating Happy, Healthy Teens There is research that shows that the best outcomes result when parents provide a good balance between guidelines and expectations for their children’s behavior and a positive, supportive relationship. Parents are not meant to be their children’s best friends but in order to raise happy, healthy teens, it is imperative to have a reasonably close relationship, at least as close as your teen will allow. During this period in your child’s life, he or she is attempting to separate from you by developing his or her own identity that is uniquely different from yours. Teens often find their parents’ values conflict with the values of their peer culture and what they see in the media. While they are separating from you, they are being immersed in a world where almost anything goes. The only way to maintain any influence during this time is by maintaining a positive relationship. This can be difficult because your children are doing things that scare you and may jeopardize their safety but you need to stay supportive and encouraging. One of the best things you can do for your teenager is to listen. Attempt to understand their life from their unique vantage point. Ask your children questions and listen to the answers, without judgment. Teens need to know that you are interested in what they do and that their thoughts and ideas won’t be criticized by you at every turn. Resist the temptation to correct everything they say. This will increase the likelihood that your teens will continue to talk to you. That does not mean that you support their negative behaviors. It is acceptable and important that you let them know how their behavior affects you. If your child starts swearing, it is all right to acknowledge their right to do so with their friends if that is important to them, but you would prefer he or she not use offensive language in your presence. The other part of what creates the most healthy teens is clear, consistent guidelines and parental expectations for behavior. That does not mean you should have strict rules and excessive punishment. During the teen years, your children are trying to navigate their way through a very confusing world with little parental guidance. It is a parent’s responsibility to provide guidelines and expectations, without being a dictator. Because your children are not in your presence all the time, you may not know whether or not they are following your guidelines but the simple fact that you have them has been shown to be very important. My teens knew I didn’t like cursing, drinking and driving, drug use and disrespect of others. I wanted them to do their best in school but understood that academics were not nearly as important to them as they were to me. My children tested the limits, of course, and I expressed my disappointment when they did. We always had conversations about how it was my job as their parent to keep them as safe as I could, while allowing them the freedom to explore their world independently. Maintaining this balance of relationship and expectations provides exactly the right environment for your teen to practice real life decision-making, while still having the safety of the family when he or she makes mistakes or needs support. When your teen violates your expectations, it is important to have conversations about what they were attempting to accomplish by violating your guidelines. Help them to see the danger in the choices they made and help them evaluate whether or not the behavior they chose will help them move in the direction they were attempting to go. I was fortunate to have two sons who were interested in the FBI as a career so anything they did that skirted around legal issues, I was able to connect their engaging in that behavior hindering the likelihood of them getting into the FBI. Teens like to know that their parents will keep them safe even if they struggle and fight any restrictions you have. Do not confuse their anger and disdain. This is often simply part of the process but deep down, they are appreciating that you care enough to keep them safe. Empowerment Parenting provides a great combination of supportive relationships with boundaries and guidelines. It is a system that can help your son or daughter develop into the adult they were destined to be. Copyright ©December 2006. Kim Olver. All rights reserved
NOTICE: This article is free and can be copied and reproduced as long as the copyright and bio is included at the bottom of the article
"Imagine life as a game in which you are juggling five balls in the air. You name them--work, family, health, friends, and spirit--and you're keeping all of these in the air. You will soon understand that work is a rubber ball. If you drop it, it will bounce back. But the other four balls-- family, health, friends, and spirit--are made of glass. If you drop one of these, they will be irrevocably scuffed, marked, nicked, damaged, or even shattered. They will never be the same. You must understand that and strive for balance in your life."
This quote has double meaning for me in this issue. First it speaks to the problem female adolecents have when their parents are too busy to pay attention to what is happening in their lives. When parents are too focused on work or their own problems, it is difficult to have much of any quality left over for one's children. Secondly, Step 2 of my Goal Attainment System is about maintaining a healthy work/life balance which is what Mr. Dyson is advocating. Please don't wait for tomorrow to spend time with those who matter to you. There are no guarantees in life. You never know if you will have a tomorrow. Get your priorities in order and then live your life in accordance with your priorities. ******************************
Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls by Mary Pipher, Ph.D. This book is a must-read for parents of any teen or pre-teen daughter. Dr. Pipher is extremely knowledgeable about the plight of teenaged girls in this country and culture. Although the book was written in 1994, it still has widespread applicability today. Having raised teenaged boys, I really didn't spend much time contemplating what it must be like for females to grow up in this culture but Pipher's book really opened my eyes. She quoted research in there that showed the vast majority of girls believe it is acceptable under a wide variety of circumstances for males to force females to have sex. As the aunt to three young nieces, this statistic was frightening. Pipher speaks about how girls lose their authentic selves in adolescence on their great quest to achieve popularity. Their primary goal becomes being liked or fitting in. This means that if their interests are not considered "cool" by the in crowd, then they will need to give them up, pursue them in secret or risk ridicule or ostracism by their peers. Girls are often pressured into having sex before they are ready by boys who have been socialized to believe that it is their job to conquer as many females as possible. Pipher discussed what she calls "lookism" which refers to the media's deliberate efforts to place physical attractiveness as the goal for females to strive for in this country. Being beautiful and thin are what is attractive according to television, music videos, and print ads. Add to that, these beautiful, thin females are also displayed in a highly sexualized way and what is a young girl to do? Up until adolescence, parents play an important role in their daughter's developing value system, but once the teen hits puberty, she starts to separate from parents in favor of her peer culture which provides very little sensible guidance in the area of values and morals. The best thing parents can do is maintain open communication with their daughters. Ask questions and really listen to the answers, without judging.
Do not be overly rigid in your rule setting but provide reasonable guidelines for the behavior you expect. Read Pipher's book - while frightening, it does provide hope for the souls of your young daughters. Click here to order this book ****************************** My tip this December, 2006 is to simplify and prioritize your life. There will be many things in which you engage over the holiday season that you don't really want to do. What would happen if you stopped? What if you asked your children what part of the holiday is important to him or her and then put him or her in charge of it. What would happen if you only baked three kinds of cookies this year instead of your usual ten? Cut down on all the stress. Only do those things this holiday season that bring you joy. In doing so, you will free up some time you didn't even know you had. Spend that time doing something special with a loved one. This holiday season figure out what is important and then do it! ****************************** Q: My son is drinking. He tells us about what he is doing. He seems to drink in moderation. He does not appear to be intoxicated when he returns home but my husband and I do not know if we should give him permission to do this. |