In this Issue
Featured Article
Getting What YOU Want in Parenting
Upcoming Events
Teleclasses
Workshops
Chat Room
E-Courses
Quote of the Week:
"Conflict cannot survive without your participation."
-- Wayne Dyer
Tip of the Month
Book Review
Choice Parenting
by Richard Primason, PhD
Relationship Q&A
F-r-e-e Teleclass Offer
Relationships, the Choice Theory Way
Free Stuff
About Kim Olver
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Upcoming Events
Click on title of class to order
teleclass or visit
www.TheRelationshipCenter.biz
ALL TIMES IN EST
Teleclasses
All teleclasses are one (1) hour in length unless otherwise stated and all you need is a telephone. When you register we will send you a phone number that you will call five minutes prior to the start of your teleclass. You will have the opportunity to ask questions, but if you prefer to just listen that’s all right too. You do not need a computer or Internet, only a telephone. Don’t delay. There are a limited number of slots available.
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Relationships
the Choice Theory Way
Click on the link below for a description of this amazing F - R - E - E teleclass. Offered the second Tuesday of every month.
November 8, 2005 9:00 p.m.
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Creating the Relationship You Deserve
November 10, 2005
8:30 - 10:00 p.m.
(90 minute class)
When it comes to relationships, we all have them and believe that we should simply, somehow, just KNOW how to manage them, but where did we learn from? Who taught us? What classes did we take? Where is the degree on our wall in relationships? There is none!!! No training, no classes, no diplomas---only trial and error. How is it working for you so far? Click here for more information and to register.
How to Talk to Your Adolescent
November 17, 2005
8:00 - 9:00 p.m.
Have you ever attempted to have a discussion with your teen that turned into a war zone? Have you tried to talk to you teen and been ignored or dismissed? Talking to teenagers in a way that they hear us is a challenge. There is a delicate line to walk between sharing your knowledge, values, and experiences and lecturing (what your child believes he or she hears). Would you like to maximize the chances your child will listen to you? Join us on this call to learn how to deliver information in a way that your child can hear. Learn how to negotiate to minimize conflict in your relationship. Learn how to become friends with your teenager again while still maintaining your parental role.
Managing Separation Due to Military Service
November 21, 2005
8:00 - 9:00 p.m.
Are you the loved one who’s left to carry on while your significant other or family member is off serving his/her country? Do you worry daily about their safety? Are you finding it difficult to focus on the things you need to do? Are you feeling lonely and unsupported? If any of this describes you, this teleclass will provide you with proven techniques to help you ease the pain of separation so you can live your life as effectively as possible. We have a strong, largely untapped power within ourselves that will help us survive any situation. Learn how to unleash this power during this one-hour teleclass.
Children & Divorce
December 5, 2005
8:00 - 9:00 p.m.
Are you a parent going through a divorce and don’t know how or what to tell your children? This class can help you understand what’s best to say and how to present the information in a way that your child will understand.
Managing Depression
December 12, 2005
8:00 - 9:00 p.m.
Are you someone who suffers from depression or are you attempting to help someone close to you who does? This class will present an alternative model of depression from that of the medical model. If you are looking for non medicinal ways to uncover the source of the depression and develop ways to alleviate the symptoms, then you need to be on this call.
Parenting Your Teen Teleseries
Mondays starting
January 16, 2006 - March 6, 2006
8:00 - 900 p.m. EST
We cannot continue to parent our teens the way we did when they were younger children, or even the way our parents parented us. The world is different! Children are different! If we do not learn new innovations in parenting, our efforts will likely be ineffective at best, and actually destructive at their worst.
Attend this teleclass series and learn about the inherent conflict between parents and their children, as well as ways to circumvent it. You can reasonably insure your child’s safety and still maintain a positive relationship.
The focus will be more educational than therapeutic. Parents will learn a negotiation method that will help them work out win/win solutions with their teen in a way that’s fair and nonconfrontational...It’s just one hour a week for eight weeks to learn how to create the caring, supportive, trusting and protective relationship that you want with your adolescent.
Once you learn the things you will need to know about yourself and your child in this teleclass series, you’ll realize that it isn’t so difficult, after all, to relate to your teen, still stay the parent, and keep your child safe at the same time. Being the parent of a teen doesn’t have to be burdened with frustration, conflict and worry. It can be fun, creative and relatively simple!
Click Here for a full description and to register
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Workshops
Let's put RELATE back in RELATIONSHIP!
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Coming in April 2006
Parent/Teen Relationship Weekend
This workshop teaches you secret strategies to assist your child to become more goal directed, responsible and cooperative.
This workshop can change your life and bring peace back into your home. It will teach you how to provide for your child’s safety, without fighting and to increase the genuine loving relationship between you. You will be encouraged, enlightened, and exhorted in ways that you never thought possible. For a more detailed description of this weekend workshop and to register click on the link above. If you think you may be interested in attending this workshop REGISTER NOW to get the discounted price. You are under no obligation to purchase and it costs nothing to register. Don't wait, the introductory price is for a limited time only.
Chats
All times listed in EST
Kim will be available in her chat room for questions and dialog on the following dates and times:
November 4, 2005 - 2:30 - 3:30 p.m.
November 7, 2005 - 9:00 - 10:00 p.m.
November 15, 2005 -12:00 - 1:00 p.m.
November 22, 2005 -3:00 - 4:00 p.m.
December 1, 2005 -4:00 - 5:00 p.m.
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E-Courses
Relationship Magic
In this 16-week course, couples or singles looking for a mate, will learn about their basic needs, explore their value systems, and discuss and articulate their general goals and direction for their lives. They will learn about some significant differences between men and women and be taught some secrets to satisfying their partner better by speaking the language of their partner. Kim’s new golden rule is: “Do unto others as they would want you to do unto them!” Giving to our partners what we would want for ourselves is often ineffective, misunderstood and sometimes damaging to our relationships. We will discuss ways to increase effective communication, minimize the use of the deadly relationship habits and maximize the implementation of the caring relationship habits. Sensitive topics that frequently create conflict between couples will be discussed: parenting, finances, free time together or apart, jealousy, sex, and extended family & friends. Finally, ways to minimize and manage conflict will be taught and you will have opportunities to practice. Email support will be provided between lessons---one email per week to answer questions or clarify content. Only $75.00.
Parenting Teens without Navigating a War Zone
In this 20-week course, parents will learn how to work with their teens to create a harmonious home environment where each are able to get what they need. We will discuss yesterday’s model of parenting, as well as why it’s ineffective with teens today. You will learn a firm foundation in Choice Theory, which explains all human behavior---including yours and your children’s. You will learn how to negotiate win/win solutions so as not to experience all the resistance teens like to use. Issues such as homework; sex; drinking/drugs; choice of friends; curfew; chores; music, hairstyle, piercings and tattoos; and bedtime are all weekly lessons designed to give you some insight as to how to manage those situations with your children. Only $100.00
Finding Peace after the Loss of Your Loved One
In this 12-week course, you will learn techniques to help ease the pain of the death of a loved one, the end of a cherished relationship or the separation from a loved one due to distance. You will learn ways to articulate the loss, understand your anger and frustration, taking inventory of all you have lost, finding ways to memorialize your loved one as an inoculation to the depression and learning to reframe the experience. Kim lost her husband six years ago and has first-hand experience in how to ease that pain. Help yourself rejoin the living by taking this e-course. You won’t even have to leave your home. Only $50.00
How to Create the Body Size you Want
In this 12-week course, you will learn Choice Theory, the new psychology of personal freedom, as an explanation for why you do what you do---no matter what is behind your weight issue, this theory can provide a framework for understanding. How many times have you attempted to lose weight only to gain it and more back again? Are you tired of being on a diet? Wonder what makes this program different? Well, in the first place, it is done in the privacy of your own home at your own pace. You decide when to complete the next lesson. This program does not focus on the number on the scale. It is about what you tell yourself and the habits in which you engage. Most weight loss programs fail because you are still having thoughts and behavior that support your bad habits. This program will help you change that. You will learn the psychology and physiology about weight loss. Along with this knowledge comes a decision for you to make---what are you going to do with this new knowledge? You will explore your past successes, your food triggers and the thoughts you tell yourself. You will learn ways to reprogram your mind for long lasting change. This program can help you become more satisfied when you look in the mirror. You will be able to visualize the end result from the beginning. You will find the right and healthy weight for yourself and be happy when you accomplish it. You will have more energy and a more positive outlook on life. Give it a try. We offer a 150% money back guarantee. If you have applied the ideas in this course and are not completely satisfied with the quality of the program, then you simply let us know and we will refund what you paid plus 50% and you get to keep the lessons you were sent besides! How can you lose? And it’s Only $50---much less than other weight loss programs!
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Relationship Q&A
Q: I have an 8 year-old who gives me a pretty hard time sometimes. Would I benefit from taking your teleclass about talking to your adolescent.
A: Yes, definitely you would benefit. The ideas and concepts are actually the same throughout a child's life. The only difference is that you are gradually increasing freedom as your child demonstrates responsible behaviors to manage that freedom. So, while we are talking about letting a 17 year-old take the family car out with friends, you may be considering allowing your child to walk to the corner store without supervision. The way you go about deciding how to manage those requests from your child will be the same. I hope you join us on the call.
Kim Olver is a licensed professional counselor, certified in Reality Therapy. This column is for readers to submit their relationship questions for Kim to answer. It could be a question about a couple relationship, a parenting relationship, a grief and loss relationship, a co-worker or friend relationship or even a question about your relationship with yourself. No relationship question is off limits! To ask your question, simply send it by email to kim@TheRelationshipCenter.biz and look for her response in future issues
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About Kim Olver
Kim Olver has an undergraduate degree in psychology, a graduate degree in counseling, is a National Certified Counselor and is a licensed professional counselor. Since 1987, Kim has extensively studied the work of Dr. William Glasser’s Choice Theory, Reality Therapy and Lead Management. She was certified in Reality Therapy in 1992 and continued her studies to become a certified instructor for the William Glasser Institute. She is an expert at empowering people to navigate the sometimes difficult course of life---teaching them how to get the most out of the circumstances life provides them. These are incredibly powerful ideas with equal application to one’s work and personal lives. Kim is an expert in restoring hope, finding the positive side in life’s events and helping others do the same. If you would like to get your life back on track, get closer to important people in your life, stop feeling victimized or out of control, better manage the pain and disappointment of life or reduce depression, fear, frustration and anger so you can develop greater happiness and satisfaction in your life, then Kim can help. She will provide just the right balance of challenge and support to assist you to navigate the course you choose. |
Getting What YOU Want in Parenting
by Kim Olver
Have you ever noticed that everything is a battle with your child?
If it is, then one of three things is happening. Your child, you or both are in a competitive need cycle. What is a competitive need cycle?
As humans, we are all born with five basic needs that we are genetically programmed to attempt to meet. They are survival, love & belonging, power, freedom and fun. Without getting into the detail of the developmental model described in Nancy Buck’s book, Peaceful Parenting, power and freedom combine to make the competitive need cycle.
When people are in a competitive, need cycle they are most strongly driven by the need to gain more power and freedom in their lives. With a parent and child, this is typically represented by the parent refusing to consider to allow their child to do something. The parent is attempting to meet the power need by keeping his or her child safe and the freedom need by extricating him or herself from the worry of wondering about his or her child while the child would be engaged in the forbidden activity.
The child, on the other hand, is attempting to meet the power need by having new experiences and exploring the world and to meet the freedom need by gaining time away from restrictive parental supervision. When a parent and child are both in their competitive need cycle, naturally a power struggle ensues.
I have four examples of situations and possible solutions if you, the parent, are willing to consider focusing on your cooperative needs of love & belonging and fun instead. Why do you, the parent, have to be the one to it differently? Because it is you who are dissatisfied with the situation. Whose behavior can you control? Hopefully, you understand that you cannot control your child’s behavior as much as I know you’d like to at times. The only person’s behavior you can control is your own.
Since it is you and not your child who is reading this article, I’m talking to you about what you can do to improve the situation.
Staying focused on changing your child will only lead to your frustration and a break down of your relationship. You won’t be successful at long-term change in your child. He or she may acquiesce while in your presence but there won’t be the required internal motivation to change required for any long-term transformation. So, let’s look at what you do have control of---the way you respond to your child’s push to meet his or her power and freedom needs.
Rebecca:
The first situation I want to talk about involves ten year-old Rebecca. Rebecca’s parents came to me frustrated over the fact they were unsuccessful enforcing Rebecca’s bedtime and she would frequently be grumpy because of lack of adequate sleep. They also were hoping for some down time to spend some quality time with each other without children around.
After, evaluating what was really important, the parents spoke to Rebecca about no longer enforcing her bedtime. They explained that she could go to bed whenever she pleased as long as she was able to get up in the morning, get to school and be relatively pleasant with family members. However, there would be a household quiet time that would begin at 9 PM. At that time, everyone needed to be in his or her own bedrooms engaged in quiet activity.
These parents couldn’t wait to tell me how great it worked! Since Rebecca had no parents fighting with her to go to bed, she could no longer meet her power need fighting with them. Consequently, she began to go to bed when she got tired and stopped fighting sleep. Steve and Mary were able to get the quiet couple time they needed so everybody won.
Veronica:
The second situation involves my friend, Denise, and her daughter, Veronica. Veronica is 11 years-old and wanted to have her hair highlighted like all her friends do but Denise was opposed to the idea. While discussing the situation with me, Denise realized that she was concerned about the maintenance costs of highlights and the damage that wouldl be done to her daughter’s beautiful hair if she started applying chemicals to it at her early age. Of course, Denise had explained none of this to Veronica.
What she did say was, “No, you are too young to have your hair highlighted. Just because everyone else is doing it doesn’t mean you should.” Does that sound familiar? What I suggested instead is that she tell Veronica her concerns.
Denise started by saying that she wanted to revisit their conversation about highlights. Denise agreed to Veronica’s initial request to be given the highlights as a birthday gift. But then, she asked Veronica what her plan was for upkeep. Denise explained that she would have to have the highlighting process done every two months or so and that it would cost approximately $60 each time. Denise offered to give Veronica money for helping out doing extra chores around the house.
Since Veronica had agreed to this before and failed in her follow through, Denise asked another question. She said, “Veronica, I know you have agreed to do extra chores in the past and you didn’t consistently follow through. If history repeats itself and you don’t have the money you need for the highlights, are you prepared for what your hair will look like once the roots grow out?”
She also discussed with Veronica the concern for the health of her hair. She said that starting to put chemicals into one’s hair at eleven did not bode well for maintaining healthy looking hair into adulthood.
Denise marveled at what happened next. She said that what had been a heated battle between them for months turned into a non-issue. Veronica decided she no longer wanted highlights in her hair. She realized that she probably wouldn’t do the chores to earn the extra money needed and that she didn’t want to look “weird” while her hair was growing out. It’s amazing what happens when we align ourselves with our opponent’s resistance. It’s a concept that has been taught in martial arts within the physical realm for centuries but it can easily be applied to the mental realm in parenting just as easily
Carrie:
The third scenario involved a mother’s horror when she learned what her eight year-old daughter had done. This mother, Linda, sent her daughter, Carrie, to swim camp. Carrie had been a swimmer for quite some time but this was the first time she was actually exposed to older swimmers at sleepover camp.
She learned from them that a good way to take time off her record is to shave the hair off her entire body. Now what hair could an eight year-old have? It didn’t matter---Carrie was determined to shave everywhere except the hair on her head. Linda, in horror, forbid her to do it.
What was Linda concerned about? It was a multitude of things. First of all, her daughter was too young to start shaving. Secondly, she was concerned that if she began shaving, then her hair would grow back very dark and course. (Of course, this is an old wife’s tale that many of my generation was exposed to.)
Linda was shocked to learn that despite her refusal to allow Carrie to shave, Carrie later secretly went into the bathroom, took a dry razor to her skin, and shaved anyway. Unbelievably, at her next swim meet, she had the best time of her short life to that point. Did shaving help her or was it the power of her belief that the shaving helped? I can’t answer that question. However, the point is that what actually happened was worse than the original fears Linda had about Carrie shaving.
Had Linda listened to the desires of her daughter and she was willing to consider the request, she may have spoken to a pediatrician and learned that her second fear was unfounded. Then she might have been able to assist Carrie to shave safely instead of with a dry razor and no supervision at all.
What parents often fail to realize is that just because they tell their child no does not mean that their child will dutifully obey. Often a “no” means that their child will proceed stealthily without parental permission anyway. When this occurs, the child is doing something the parent doesn’t approve of and the parent has no idea and therefore, no opportunity to discuss the possible dangers and concerns.
My Children & Their Friends:
I used to see this a lot when my boys were older. They would have friends whose parents were quite strict and would not give permission for them to attend parties where it was known there would be alcohol and no parental supervision. On the surface, this makes perfect sense. What responsible parent wants their child at a party drinking without any adults to intervene if there is a problem?
However, in refusing their child permission to go, what I often saw was that same child telling their parent that he or she was going to stay overnight at a friend’s house. Then that friend would tell his or her parents that he or she was going to stay at the first friend’s house. In essence, what resulted was two children out all night, doing God knows what, without any adult having any information about what was happening.
My approach with my children when they would want to go to a party was to discuss the things I was afraid of. If they had an explanation for what they would do to handle the problems about which I was concerned, then I would generally allow them to go. If they couldn’t address certain situations, then they would not be permitted to go until there was a reasonable plan in place to address my concerns.
The main thing I was concerned about was drinking and driving. Additionally, what would they do if offered drugs? What would they do if someone showed dangerous signs of having too much? What would they do if violence broke out or things got out of hand? What would they do and what did they expect me to do if the party were raided by police? Over time, we discussed all of these situations so that I was satisfied that my children could handle them if they ever came up.
This resulted in me having peace of mind and generally, enough information about where my children were going to be and what they were going to be doing to satisfy me. It is not an easy way to parent and it sure doesn’t guarantee that your children will always make the best decision.
What it does do, however, is it stops making you the person your children have to fight in their attempts to get their needs met. It keeps your relationship with your children strong and influential. It allows you, as the parent, to discuss situations and possibilities you normally wouldn’t have the opportunity to discuss. In addition, it helps your children to become better decision makers, problem solvers and to anticipate circumstances before they arise.
Copyright © November 2005 Kim Olver. All rights reserved
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Click here or on icon to read some of Kim's articles
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Quote of the Week
"Conflict cannot survive without your participation."
-- Wayne Dyer
This is partly what I am proposing to parents. When you stop participating in the power struggle with your children, the power struggle must go away. I am not advocating giving up, however. What I am saying is that the best you can hope for with coercion is compliance---and that’s the best you’ll get. Some of you may think, great! As long as my child does what I tell him then everything will be all right. However, I said compliance is the BEST you will get. There are many less desirable outcomes.
When your child attempts to fight with you, don’t take the bait. Maintain the connection. If that’s not possible, calmly take a break from the situation with the understanding that you will talk about it later. Conflict cannot exist in the absence of resistance. Align yourself with your child’s resistance and you will have much less conflict.
If you’d like to learn more, register for our upcoming teleclass on “How to Talk to Your Adolescent” or go to http://www.therelationshipcenter.biz/Teleclasses.php and click on the link for the class. It’s the first one listed under November 2005, scheduled for 11/17/05. Please join us.
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Tip of the Month.
There are three ways we can approach our children. We can do things to them. We can do things for them and we can do things with them. Can you already guess which is the one I will advocate? You're right. We need to do more things with our children in a cooperative and connecting way.
When we do things to our children, this implies punishment and consequences. I do not like this approach because it generally does not help build the self-esteem of your child. Punishment can be effective at stopping the behavior that is bothering you but it generally only stops when you are around or likely to learn about a potential breech. Also, every time we, as parents, punish our children we are taking a hit in the relationship department. Most parents punish their children in an effort to get them to do things better, to be more responsible or to just be a better person. After receiving a punishment, most children rarely think about what they did wrong and what they can do to correct it. The vast majority of chidren are thinking how mean their parent is. This does not help you build the kind of relationship that has a strong possibility of influencing your children's behavior.
When we do things for our children, we send them the message that they are not capable of doing for themselves. They may develop an entitlement attitude or simply stop trying because they know their parent(s) will do it for them. Obviously, there is danger in this approach. We want our children to be capable human beings. They cannot develop the knowledge, skills and abilities they need if their parent(s) are always doing things for them. I know I never learned to cook until I went to college and needed to cook for myself. My mother always said it was easier to do it herself than to try to teach me to cook. (I tended to make a lot of mess in the kitchen.)
When we do things with our children, we teach them that we care about what they are doing. We show them cooperative behaviors. We empower them to come to their own solutions with our support. We help them develop self-confidence in their own ability.
Please register for our teleclass entitled, "How to Talk to Your Adolescent" to discover what this looks like and how to apply it in difficult and stressful situations.
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Book Review
Choice Parenting
by Richard Primason, PhD
Dr. Primason writes a very compelling book for parents outlining concrete examples of how parents can apply Choice Theory to their parenting practices. His writing is very clear, with a common sense approach. He doesn’t promise miracles, but he does offer a way for parents to get what they really want.
In his book, he asks parents to distinguish between what they want and what they REALLY want. He supposes that parents want their children to listen to them and to do what they are told. But even more than that, parents really want to raise responsible, productive individuals who are capable of taking care of themselves.
He contends that parents who are using an external control method of parenting are attending to what they want at the expense of what they really want. External control may get compliance but it won’t help a child to self-evaluate that their behavior may not be the best way.
In applying Choice Theory with our children, we are staying connected with them, understanding that their behavior is their best attempt to meet their needs at that point in time. We do not criticize, correct or coerce our children. What we do is join with them to figure out a better way for them to get what they want and to stay within the reasonable limits that the family expects.
Choice Parenting is a great book for parents who know there is a better way and who are committed to working toward what they really want and helping their children to develop into more responsible, productive individuals capable of taking care of themselves. Click here to order this book
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F-r-e-e Teleclass Offer
How would you like to take one of my teleclasses for f.ree? All you have to do is get two (2) people to subscribe to either of my eZines and send me their e-mail addresses for confirmation with the name of the teleclass you would like to attend. If you do not wish to attend one of the teleclasses, you can give your f.ree teleclass to a friend or family member. It’s that simple! Send either one or both of the following links to all your friends and family and ask them to subscribe to the eZine. For the personal edition of "Inside Out", go to The Relationship Center and for the business edition go to Coaching for Excellence and have them type their name and email address in the boxes on the right-hand side of the web page where it says, “Subscribe to Receive 'Inside Out', our Fr.ee eZine". Only two people actually have to subscribe for you to be eligible for a f.ree teleclass. Once their subscription has been confirmed you will receive an e-mail giving you the bridge line and access code for the teleclass of your choosing. A listing of teleclasses being offered can be found in both my monthly e-zine or on my classes page at either web site. There is no limit to the amount of f.ree teleclasses you can earn---you get one f.ree teleclass for every two referrals that sign up for one of my eZines. Within the next year I am planning on adding many new teleclasses on several topics including the following:
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Weight Loss
Building Quality Relationships
Foster Parenting
Stop Lying NOW
Children & Divorce
Managing Depression
…….and many more.
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Please continue to check this eZine and my website calendar for these new and exciting teleclasses. Don’t wait, take advantage of this offer and experience the new technology of teleclasses, learning and growing from home. |
