In this Issue
Featured Article -
Deadly Relationship Habits
Upcoming Events
Teleclasses
Workshops
Chat Room
Quote of the Week:
“You can’t change the direction of the wind, but you can adjust your sails.”---Jimmy Dean
Book Review:
The Breakthrough Experience
Relationship Q&A
About Kim Olver
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Upcoming Events
Click on the date to order teleclass or visit
www.TheRelationshipCenter.biz
ALL TIMES IN EST
Teleclasses
Peaceful Parenting
Parents of teenagers having conflict and drama with your teens, this 60-minute teleseminar is for you! Raising teens doesn’t have to feel like the middle of a war zone! It is possible to maintain a positive relationship with your teen and still have some reasonable reassurance of his/her safety. I know because I raised my two teenaged sons alone after the death of my husband. It was Dr. Nancy Buck and Peaceful Parenting® that got me through. When you sign up for this teleclass, you will learn ways to maintain or develop a positive relationship with your teen, while keeping them safe and helping them to develop the decision making skills necessary to become self-sufficient adults. Don’t miss this potentially life changing interview with Dr. Nancy Buck, author of Peaceful Parenting®.
4/19/05 8:00 pm
5/17/05 12:00 pm
5/24/05 9:00 pm
Deadly Relationship Habits
Are you in a relationship that isn’t as satisfying as it used to be? Have you tried traditional counseling without success? Are you in a good relationship and always seeking ways to make it better? Then this teleclass is for you. You will learn behaviors that strengthen relationships and a method for negotiating differences that will leave you both feeling like winners. Don’t miss this exciting opportunity to transform your relationship into one you truly value.
4/19/05 9:30 pm
5/18/05 2:00 pm
5/25/05 9:00 pm
Rejoin the Living
Ever been in a relationship that ended when it wasn’t your choice? Are you feeling devastated because you find yourself alone again? Do you want to rejoin the living? Then this class is for you! There is a definite process to grieving the loss of an important relationship and if you are not yet ready to take action and move on, then that’s OK. But if you are, join this teleclass where you will learn how to stop crying because it’s over and to start smiling because it happened.
4/20/05 9:00 pm
5/19/05 2:00 pm
5/26/05 7:30 pm
Living from the Inside Out
Are you interested in personal growth? Would you like to increase your personal power and ability to make your life the way you want it to be? Learn how to focus your energy where it will truly make a difference to your happiness and life satisfaction. Learn how to determine what behaviors are working for you and which ones may need to be modified. Don’t delay! We can only take the first 100 to register.
4/21/05 9:00 pm
5/18/05 8:30 pm
5/25/05 2:00 pm
Managing the pain of Separation due to Military Service
Are you the loved one who’s left to carry on while your significant other or family member is off serving his/her country? Do you worry daily about their safety? Are you finding it difficult to focus on the things you need to do? Are you feeling lonely and unsupported? If any of this describes you, this teleclass will provide you with proven techniques to help you ease the pain of separation and live your life as effectively as possible. We have a strong, largely untapped power within ourselves that will help us survive any situation. Learn how to unleash this power during this one-hour teleclass. Click on one of the dates below and it will take you to the registration page for that class.
5/10/05 1:00 pm
5/10/05 9:00 pm
Workshops
Details to follow in the next Newsletter. If you have any questions about the following workshops send an e-mail to
info@therelationshipcenter.biz
5/7/05 1:00 - 4:00 pm CT
Relationship Workshop
5/13/05 - 5/15/05
Relationship Conference,
Chicago , IL
5/27 - 5/29 Parent/Teen Relationship Weekend
Chicago, IL
Chats
Kim will be available in
her chat room for questions
and dialog on the following
dates and times:
All times listed in EST
4/19/05 2 - 3 pm
4/26/05 9 - 10 pm
5/3/05 2- 1 pm
5/10/05 7:30 - 8:30 pm
5/17/05 2-1 pm
5/31/05 2-1 pm
Teen Chat
5/24/05 7:30 -8:30 pm
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Relationship Q&A
Q: I am having a conflict with my husband and don’t know what to do. I am on a new path in my life. I am working hard at developing my business. I am in a mastermind group and have deadlines and commitments for which I am accountable. My husband is not taking me very seriously and isn’t very supportive. In fact, this week, he wants me to go to California with him to go to his class reunion when I really don’t have the time to take away from my goals.
A: Does this really have to be a win/lose scenario? It appears to me that it is possible for both of you to get what you want. First of all, it will probably take your husband some time to realize how serious you are about your commitment since this is a new endeavor and represents a departure from the norm. Give it some time there. But about the weekend, could you go with him to California with the understanding that there would be times over the weekend when you would be unable to participate in all the festivities because you have some commitments to attend to? Take your laptop and cell phone and do the things you have committed to do, while still attending an event that has special significance for your husband. Your willingness to accommodate his wishes may help him to be more supportive of yours.
Kim Olver is a licensed professional counselor, certified in Reality Therapy. This column is for readers to submit their relationship questions for Kim to answer. It could be a question about a couple relationship, a parenting relationship, a grief and loss relationship, a co-worker or friend relationship or even a question about your relationship with yourself. No relationship question is off limits! To ask your question, simply send it by email to kim@TheRelationshipCenter.biz and look for her response in future issues.
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About Kim Olver:
Kim Olver has an undergraduate degree in psychology, a graduate degree in counseling, is a National Certified Counselor and is a licensed professional counselor. Since 1987, Kim has extensively studied the work of Dr. William Glasser’s Choice Theory, Reality Therapy and Lead Management. She was certified in Reality Therapy in 1992 and continued her studies to become a certified instructor for the William Glasser Institute. She is an expert at empowering people to navigate the sometimes difficult course of life---teaching them how to get the most out of the circumstances life provides them. These are incredibly powerful ideas with equal application to one’s work and personal lives. Kim is an expert in restoring hope, finding the positive side in life’s events and helping others do the same. If you would like to get your life back on track, get closer to important people in your life, stop feeling victimized or out of control, better manage the pain and disappointment of life or reduce depression, fear, frustration and anger so you can develop greater happiness and satisfaction in your life, then Kim can help. She will provide just the right balance of challenge and support to assist you to navigate the course you choose.
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Deadly Relationship Habits
By Kim Olver
How many of you have ever been involved with a significant other who wanted you to do something you didn’t want to do? I doubt that I’m the only one. By virtue of a significant other relationship, there will be times when our partners will want us to do things we don’t necessarily want to do and conversely, there will be times when we will want our partners to do things they don’t want to do.
This is perfectly normal. The key, however, is what we do about it. Can you remember the behaviors your partners used to get you to do things their way? Dr. William Glasser, in his book called, Getting Together and Staying Together, talks about the seven destructive relationship habits. They are: complaining, criticizing, blaming, nagging, threatening, punishing, and bribing or rewarding to control. Do you recognize any favorites?
I like to add guilting to the list---this seems to be a favorite behavior of mothers. I know, because I am one. You can recognize this pattern in martyr type behavior. Saying things like, “After all I’ve done for you, you can’t do this one little thing for me?” I’ve actually heard some mothers play the “childbirth card”. You know the one. It sounds like this: “I was in labor with you for 36 hours! All I’m asking for is this one thing.”
I know for me, I am a world class nagger---just ask my children. The question of “Will you clean up your room today?” can be asked in a variety of different ways, with varying tonal inflections and volumes to convey a variety of meanings. By the time I’ve reached the end of my rope, it would frequently sound like, “How can you be so lazy! If you don’t do it right now, I am going to do something to hurt you!” (This pain usually took the form of haranguing my child for an extended period of time.) Does this sound familiar?
With regard to nagging, it is my belief that after you’ve said it three times, your significant other has probably heard you and is not planning on obliging you any time in the near future. Repeating your request most likely will be unsuccessful at getting you what you want.
Complaining and criticizing are other behaviors we often engage in to get our loved ones to do something they don’t want to do. Does this sound familiar? Why can’t you be more like _____________? Do you have to do it THAT way? Why can’t you ever do something I want? You never do things the right way. You are so lazy, stupid, frustrating, aggravating, etc. Do these sound like relationship strengthening behaviors to you?
I think the blaming, threatening and punishing behaviors are self-explanatory. Blaming sounds like: It’s always your fault. Threatening goes like this: If you do or don’t do ______________, then I’m going to (insert something you won’t like). Punishing often takes the form of withdrawal. It may be that we give our partners the silent treatment or we may withdraw affection or at least our enthusiasm during intimacy.
The last destructive habit to discuss is called bribing or rewarding to control. This may require a little more discussion. Bribing or rewarding to control does not mean the same thing as negotiation. Negotiation in a relationship is very healthy and necessary to the long term success of the relationship. It involves two willing partners, each interested in helping the other person get what they need, while at the same time meeting their own needs. Bribing simply means that I am going to dangle a carrot of what I think you want in front of you to get you to do the thing I know you don’t want to do.
I can remember often asking my youngest son to pick up his room. His room was always a mess and quite possibly a health hazard. I remember one day, I decided to put my nagging behavior away and try something new. So I said something like this: “Kyle, if you clean your room today, I’ll let you have a friend come over and play.” Do you know what his answer was? He said, “I don’t want a friend that bad.” And the room didn’t get cleaned! What a surprise!
Bribing or rewarding to control also needs to be distinguished from spontaneous rewards. Can you feel the difference between these two scenarios? You want your partner to attend an office party with you that he or she does not want to attend. In your best attempt to bribe him or her, you seductively express what you might do when you come home from the party.
Compare that to, you ask your partner to attend the party. He or she agrees. You go and have a wonderful time, spontaneously enjoying some quality intimacy upon your return home. Do those circumstances feel different to you? I bet they would to your partner.
No one likes to be controlled no matter how subtly or skillfully the controlling is administered. External control is one thing human beings are almost guaranteed to rebel against.
The bottom line is that we often engage in destructive relationship patterns with those people we claim to love the most. We typically don’t use these destructive behaviors with our friends. If we were to try, we soon wouldn’t have any friends left!
When we think about our progress over the past 100 years in terms of technology and relationships, it is very clear that we have made great strides in the technological field and very minimal gains, if any, in our relationships with each other. Can you think of things we have available to us today that didn’t exist 100 years ago? Today we have cell phones, computers, satellite, televisions, DVDs, CDs, space travel, etc. The list is virtually endless.
One of the reasons we have made such huge gains in the technological field is because those who are working at making those advances are willing to try a new approach when their approach is no longer working. They adjust their behavior to fit the situation. This is simply common sense.
However, in the area of interpersonal relationships, would you say that people get along better today than they did a century ago? Do husbands get along better with their wives? Do parents get along better with their children? Do teachers get along better with their students? Do neighbors get along better today? Most would admit that there has been little, if any, improvement.
The reason for this lack of progress in the relationship department is that when our external control behaviors don’t work to get us the results we want, we take those same behaviors to the next level. We are convinced that they will work if only we do it more often, harder or faster. In other words, we get a bigger stick!
The reason this mentality has survived the ages is because we can usually crank up the pressure or find the one punishment or threat that will work to get us what we want. Did you hear me say external control doesn’t work? Of course it works! That’s why we use it. The question remains: At what cost?
When we consistently use external control behaviors in our relationships with those we love, what does it cost? It costs us the relationship. I’m not saying the relationship will necessarily end, although that is a definite possibility. What I am saying is that we keep whittling away at the foundation of our relationship and then wonder why there has been no relationship progress over the past 100 years or even longer.
There are alternatives. There are ways to simultaneously honor ourselves and our partners. The first step is to recognize when we are using external control behavior. We will probably be able to recognize it long before you feel able to do anything about it. This is acceptable. Of course, the best case scenario is that from this moment forward, every time you consider externally controlling your partner, you stop yourself and use a caring habit instead.
However, if that is not what happens in your case, don’t despair. Recognizing external control is the first step---bringing it into your conscious awareness. Once it’s there, then you can make a decision about what you are going to do about it.
To learn about excluding external control from your life and implementing the caring habits in your relationships, sign up for the teleclass, “Deadly Relationship Habits” on April 19
at 9:30 pm in the left column.
Copyright © April, 2005 Kim Olver. All rights reserved
Click here or on icon to read some of Kim's other articles
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Quote of the Week:
“You can’t change the direction of the wind but you can adjust your sails.”---Jimmy Dean
This is the motto of “Inside Out” and states the essence of our slogan, “Unleash the power within you.” First of all, if you noticed our typo in our first issue, our quote looked like this: “You can’t change the direction of the wind but you can adjust your sales.” It took my 11 year-old niece to say, “That doesn’t make any sense!” for my editorial team to realize the error. This quote is NOT talking about adjusting sales. What it is saying is that things happen to all of us in our lives that may cause us to veer off course. Bad things happen to good people all the time. Unexpected things crop up, loved ones get sick, children go off to war, we lose our jobs, our investments fail, our relationships end and a myriad of other things. Most of these things are like the wind. We don’t have control over these things anymore than we can control the direction the wind blows. However, when we unleash our internal power, what we do is adjust our sails (not sales) to maximize the opportunities presented in the direction of the wind. We focus on the things we CAN control, which is our own thoughts and behaviors. In every circumstance, if we look hard enough, we can find some benefit or advantage to the situation. Focusing on that advantage can really help us get through the tough times. That is what “Inside Out” is all about. Stay tuned to future issues.
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Book Review
The Breakthrough Experience -
Dr. John F. Demartini
This week I am recommending Dr. John F. Demartini’s book, The Breakthrough Experience. In his book, Dr. Demartini begins by saying, “Every single one of us has greatness and immortal genius inside. . .Everything that happens is directed toward waking us up to that gift and potential. We may have positive and negative opinions about the various people and events in our lives, but in truth, they all play a perfect role in unfolding our destiny and making us who we are.” What he is saying consistently is that in every person or event, there is always and inevitably both positive and negative.
Dr. Demartini is not even saying that we should discount the negative and embrace the positive. What he is saying is that we need to come to appreciate the balanced experience and know that each is necessary for us and is as it should be. He tells us that “all phenomena are universally full-quantum. . .there must be no such thing as happiness without sadness, or sadness without happiness.”
He speaks about gratitude being the key to “growth and fulfillment” and that those who learn to be grateful for what they have are quickly rewarded with more. He defines true gratitude as “a quiet state of poise and inner calm where you’re truly thankful, where you sense the divine order and wouldn’t want anything to change.”
He then acknowledges how it’s difficult to experience this sense of gratitude until we learn how to find the hidden benefit in what may at first seem to be a negative event. Everything that happens in our lives is a gift and a blessing.
Dr. Demartini talks about how we must come to welcome the balance between positive and negative. He says, “When you know that bad things aren’t so terrible and good things aren’t so terrific, you can be quietly grateful for whatever occurs. Balance is neither pessimism nor optimism. . . It is ‘gratefulism,’ and that is both wisdom and true power.”
His book tells us that in any given moment we have everything available to us that we need.
One of his concepts that profoundly affected me is that love is not merely unconditional support of another, but it also includes challenge. When we merely support another, we are only creating dependency. When we truly love, we also challenge. Conversely, love is not merely challenge but we also must support.
This book encourages us to “understand and embrace everything that comes our way. . .knowing that it is not an attack, but an opportunity to refine and expand ourselves, we can turn our lives into the same masterful dance.” Are you ready and willing to begin this dance? The Relationship Center can both support and challenge you on this journey. Contact us today at (708) 957-6047 or Kim@Therelationshipcenter.biz for a fre.e consultation.
Click here to order this book
Copyright © April, 2005 Kim Olver.
All rights reserved |
