Kim Olver, MS, NCC, LPC
June 1, 2005, Volume I, Issue 5
To read our blog click here or go to www.therelationshipcenter.biz and click on the "View our Web Journal" at the bottom of the page.. Read some of Kim's musing and add some of your own!
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Hi everyone. I hope you are enjoying the eZine and if you are, please pass it along to others who may benefit from the ideas and information contained in it. I have a goal to reach 1000 subscribers by August 1, 2005 so if you can help me with that in any way, I would be very appreciative. In fact, I am offering a free month of weekly coaching to the person responsible for referring the 1000th subscriber to my subscriber list. Should you be the referral agent, this coaching could be used by you or anyone to whom you choose to give it as a gift. Also, check out the offer of a free teleclass later in this eZine. Help me to build my subscriber base.
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In this Issue
How Compatible are You
and Your Partner?
Quote of the Week:
“Love is the selfless promotion
of the growth of another.”
Love is Letting Go of Fear
by Gerald G. Jampolsky, MD
F-r-e-e Teleclass Offer
About Kim Olver
How Compatible Are You and Your Partner?
Kim Olver, MS, LPC, NCC
What are the things you argue about? Where are the disagreements? The small resentments? Where do you have to give in to get along?
Do you argue over money? Are you fighting over sex? Do you have different ideas about how much time you should spend together and apart? Do you squabble over extended family and friends? Is one of you daring and reckless, while the other wants to play things safe? Does one of you want to be right all the time? Does one of you want to always be in control? Do you disagree about the fun activities in your life?
Couples may have conflict over many areas but do you know there is a simple explanation for the conflict? When looking for a life partner, it is a good idea to take a close look at your “Need Strength Profile”, based on Dr. William Glasser’s work in the area of Choice Theory. This simple assessment will determine where you and your partner are in terms of the five basic needs and help you determine what areas are compatible and what areas should generate discussion and possible compromise and negotiation. There is a free assessment at www.therelationshipcenter.biz on the "Free Stuff" page that will provide a rudimentary understanding of where you are with regard to the five basic human needs of Choice Theory---love & belong, survival, power, freedom and fun. If you are seeking compatibility in a relationship, you and your partner can both take this assessment and then discuss your results based on the rest of this article.
The first need is called love & belonging. It is the need that determines how much connection you require with others. Generally speaking, relationships work best when you have equivalent strengths of the love & belonging need. This is the need that will help you determine as a couple how much time you spend together and how much time is needed apart. Loving sex and romance is another aspect of this need, as are extended family and friends.
The second of the five basic needs is survival. This is so much more than just the need to physically survive, although that is part of it. It is also the psychological need to feel safe and secure. Areas of potential conflict around this need involve the ability to adapt to change, how you spend and save money, preparations one makes for safety, spontaneity, among other things.
The third of the human needs is power, which can be a difficult need to understand because power generally has a negative connotation associated with it. When people hear "power" they often think of one person exerting their power over another person. While this is one way, albeit not the best way, to meet one's power need, there are two other ways which are more responsible and palatable.
There are three ways to meet one's need for power---power over others, power with others and power within ourselves. Power over others is not a responsible way to meet one's power need because it interferes with the other person getting his or her needs met. There are plenty of people who use power over others but I am advocating for the other two ways when seeking compatibility in relationships.
When people have a high need for power, they are born driven to get this need met. They don’t know how to get it met; they just know they must find power. Often, you can observe in small children the tendency to power over others. Then, hopefully, life teaches children the other two ways to seek power. When you look for "power with" others, it means that you are able to work cohesively with a group of people to advance toward a common goal. Many winning sports teams display this "power with" concept, as well as effective work teams and even fully functioning families. "Power with" others can be a very satisfying way of meeting one’s power needs.
The final way to meet one’s need for power is "power within" oneself. This is generally seen as a need for pride or competence. Those with a high power need who meet it through power within methods like to always do their best. They may seem to be perfectionistic but producing their best is very need satisfying to them. In relationships, this power need accounts for workaholism, people who always need to control everything around them and a low degree of tolerance for imperfection in others. The power need has a big influence in interpersonal relationships.
The fourth need to discuss is the need for freedom. People with a high need for freedom are independent and like to do things their own way. High freedom need people generally don't like rules---particularly ones that don't make sense. They also value their time alone. They like to do what they want, when they want.
There is usually an inverse relationship between the love & belonging and the freedom needs. When a person has a high need for love & belonging, he or she typically has a lower need for freedom and vice versa. Of course, there are exceptions but typically there is an opposite relationship between the two.
The last of Choice Theory’s basic human needs is fun. Fun seems pretty straightforward but there are some subtleties to it that are necessary to understand. There are basically three kinds of fun. There is the loud, energetic kind of fun that people might get from physical activity and parties, for example. There is the quiet, relaxing kind of fun that might be enjoyed by fishing, lying in a hammock on a warm summer’s day or reading for pleasure. Then there is learning as fun. Now, I’m not talking about when you learned algebra! For most of us that wasn’t fun but I am talking about learning something you are interested in that has useful application for you. For me, the best example is when I learned how to downhill ski and made it the first time down the slope without falling and getting snow down my jacket, up my pant legs and various other places! It is the sheer joy of learning something that interests you. Everyone has various ways of meeting their fun needs and it is these differences that can drastically affect your satisfaction in your relationship. It is not always true that in order for your relationship to succeed, you must have equal or almost equal need strengths in all five needs. For some needs, it is best when one of you is high and one of you is low in that need.
Go to www.TheRelationshipCenter.biz and take the free assessment today. It’s on the “Free Stuff” page, with a link provided on the home page. See what the assessment has to say. If you have some questions, join me in my chat room during one of my scheduled chats to discuss it, leave me a message on my blog (click on the “View our Web Journal” link on the home page), attend our relationship workshop on June 25, 2005, or come to our Relationship Weekend scheduled in Chicago July 8-10, 2005. See left column for links to workshops or visit the Events page at www.TheRelationshipCenter.biz. Or you can contact me for individual or group coaching directly be e-mailing me at Kim@TheRelationshipCenter.biz. There is so much to learn about improving the significant relationships in our lives. This provides you with one more piece to the puzzle. Our workshop and weekend conferences give you many more of the puzzle pieces to help you make sense of and work to improve your relationships. Don’t wait till it’s too late. Invest in your relationships today.Copyright © June 2005 Kim Olver. All rights reserved.
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Never seems to be enough time in the day? Always rushing? Feeling stressed at the end of the day? Not getting accomplished what you hoped? Then this class is for you! Learn how to turn your precious moments into productive time that moves you forward toward your ultimate goals and your life purpose.
6/13/05 2:00 pm
7/19/05 8:00 pm
Do you always feel like life gets the best of you? No matter what you do, it doesn’t seem to make a difference? Is there too much undone work at the end of your day? Are people getting on your last nerve? You just can’t take one more thing? Then this teleclass is for you! Learn how to reduce stress in your life by taking control of the things you have control over---the things you think and the things you do. These revolutionary ideas are different from the ones you typically hear in a stress management workshop. Register for this call today and take charge of your life.
6/22/05 8:00 pm
7/5/05 2:00 pm
How to Manage the Trap of
Are you involved in an abusive relationship? Do you feel trapped with no way out? Then, join this call. You will be able to speak with someone who cares and can help you think of your options. There will be others on the call who are going through the same thing you are and can provide support. You owe it to yourself to register now.
6/29/05 8:30 pm
Let's put RELATE back in RELATIONSHIP!
June 25, 2005
9:00 am - 5:00 pm
Exclusive offer for all Inside Out subscribers. The morning session we will focus on couple relationships and the afternoon session we will be about Parent/Teen relationships. This workshop normally costs $159.00. However, it is being offered to the first 25 subscribers who register for $50.00 for the entire day including lunch!
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Only available to first 25 registrants
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Couple Relationship Weekend
7/8/05 - 7/10/05
This weekend workshop can change your life and provide you with life long lessons that will greatly increase your understanding of your partner and improve the quality of your relationship. You will be encouraged, enlightened, and exhorted in ways that you never thought possible. For a more detailed description or to order this workshop click on the link above.
Parent/Teen Relationship Weekend
7/15/05 - 7/17/05
This workshop can change your life and bring peace back into your home. It will teach you how to provide for your child’s safety, without fighting and to increase the genuine loving relationship between you. You will be encouraged, enlightened, and exhorted in ways that you never thought possible. For a more detailed description or to order this weekend workshop click on the link above.
Kim will be available in
her chat room for questions
and dialog on the following
dates and times:
All times listed in EST
6/7/05 8:00 - 9:00 PM
6/13/05 12:00 - 1:00 PM
6/21/05 8:00 - 9:00 PM
7/1/05 3:00 - 4:00 PM
Improving Your Relationship with Your Current or Future Significant Other:
In this 16-week course, couples or singles looking for a mate, will learn about their basic needs, explore their value systems, and discuss and articulate their general goals and direction for their lives. This course is listed at $396, but will sell until 7/01/05 at $296.Parenting Teens
In this 20-week course, parents will learn how to work with their teens to create a harmonious home environment where each are able to get what they need. We will discuss yesterday’s model of parenting, as well as why it’s ineffective with teens today. This course is listed at $495, but will sell until 7/01/05 at $395.Managing Grief, Separation and Loss
In this 12-week course, you will learn techniques to help ease the pain of the death of a loved one, the end of a cherished relationship or the separation from a loved one due to distance. This course is listed at $297, but will sell until 7/01/05 at $197.
This e-course on weight loss will teach you Choice Theory, the new psychology of personal freedom, as an explanation for why you do what you do---no matter what is behind your weight issue, this theory can provide a framework for understanding. This course is 12 weeks in duration and normally lists for $297.00 but you can purchase it for $197.00 until 7/01.05.
Q: I notice on your eZine is a link to read your blog. I keep hearing about blogs but I don’t really know what they are. Could you tell me more please?
A: This is a great question. I know there are many people out there who don’t know what a blog is. Let’s start with a definition: blog is short for web log. It is a journal of sorts. People use them for many different things. I use my blog so visitors to my website can get a better sense of who I am, how I think and the way I work. This helps people determine if I might be the right coach for them. They are a website of their own or they may be incorporated into a bigger website as mine is. I have two blogs---one is at www.coachingforexcellence.biz and the other is at www.therelationshipcenter.biz. On my site, they are called web journals so to get to my blog, you would click on the link on my home page that says “View our Web Journal”. The Relationship Center blog is entitled “Relationship Bridge Building”. In it you will find thoughts, tips and advice on building better relationships and self development. We discuss couple relationships; parenting; relationships with extended family and friends; grief, separation and loss; as well as, how to become the person you want to be. You can go to the blog and just read the daily postings from Kim, seven days a week, or you can interact with Kim and others who read the blog by posting your comments. If you would like to leave a link to your own website in the comments section, it has been said that this will also increase search engine ratings, something anyone with a website is interesting in achieving. Take a look, leave a comment. See you there.
Kim Olver is a licensed professional counselor, certified in Reality Therapy. This column is for readers to submit their relationship questions for Kim to answer. It could be a question about a couple relationship, a parenting relationship, a grief and loss relationship, a co-worker or friend relationship or even a question about your relationship with yourself. No relationship question is off limits! To ask your question, simply send it by email to kim@TheRelationshipCenter.biz and look for her response in future issues.
About Kim Olver
Kim Olver has an undergraduate degree in psychology, a graduate degree in counseling, is a National Certified Counselor and is a licensed professional counselor. Since 1987, Kim has extensively studied the work of Dr. William Glasser’s Choice Theory, Reality Therapy and Lead Management. She was certified in Reality Therapy in 1992 and continued her studies to become a certified instructor for the William Glasser Institute. She is an expert at empowering people to navigate the sometimes difficult course of life---teaching them how to get the most out of the circumstances life provides them. These are incredibly powerful ideas with equal application to one’s work and personal lives. Kim is an expert in restoring hope, finding the positive side in life’s events and helping others do the same. If you would like to get your life back on track, get closer to important people in your life, stop feeling victimized or out of control, better manage the pain and disappointment of life or reduce depression, fear, frustration and anger so you can develop greater happiness and satisfaction in your life, then Kim can help. She will provide just the right balance of challenge and support to assist you to navigate the course you choose.
Quote of the Week
“Love is the selfless promotion of the growth of another.”
This is a quote I love because it covers all types of love---the love of a friend, the love of a child or the love of your life partner. Think about what it actually means. Love is the selfless promotion of the growth of another.It shouldn’t matter what your desires are as long as the one you love is growing in the direction he or she wants to go, then you support them. This takes a great deal of strength and clarity of our own selves.
A person who can love another person this way is rich in many ways. When we stop trying to control the ones we love to do the things that would be best for us, then paradoxically, their love for us will likely increase. Conversely, this type of love can free us up to understand that it is our own responsibility to move our own lives in the direction we want to go. We can do so by making our choices noncontingent upon what others chose to do for themselves.
Are you focusing on traversing your own path without controlling others to do what you want or are you attempting to change the paths of those you love?
This selfless promotion of the growth of another is rare, precious and a true gift. Are you giving this gift to the ones you love? Let's start now
Love is Letting Go of Fear
by Gerald G. Jampolsky, MD
An oldie but a goodie. In it, Jampolsky proposes living by 12 lessons. He suggests that each day we choose one to focus on both in the morning on awakening and at night when retiring. He further suggests writing the lesson on an index card and carrying it with you during the day to refer to several times, while actively concentrating on and implementing it during the day. When you are finished with each lesson, you are to repeat the process until you are thinking of the lessons without prompting.
Based on content from A Course in Miracles, Jampalsky’s lessons are empowering concepts to get our minds around. Read with an open mind.
Lesson 1: All That I Give is Given to Myself
This lesson is speaking about the more love you give away, the more is returned to you. The Law of Abundance applies to this principle. Don’t be stingy and try to save love because that very act is what will deprive you. It’s similar to the expression, “What goes around; comes around.”
Lesson 2: Forgiveness is the Key to Happiness
Whenever we hold on to past hurts and grievances, we don’t allow ourselves peace of mind or true happiness. We need to learn to let things go and to forgive ourselves and give up our guilt.
Lesson 3: I Am Never Upset for the Reason I Think
This refers to the provocative thought that instead of our perceptions of the world outside of us being the cause and our emotions being the effect, the world outside ourselves is really the effect of the cause of our thinking. In other words, we actually create our reality by the thoughts we think instead of our reality creating our thoughts and feelings. Pretty deep, huh?
Lesson 4: I Am Determined to See Things Differently
This lesson speaks to the fact that most of us miss the current moment we are in either worrying about our future or obsessing over our past. Neither one of which is something we can change. Making a conscious effort to stay present in the moment will help to see things differently without the context of the past to color our perceptions.
Lesson 5: I Can Escape the World I See by Giving Up Attack Thoughts
This thought is intricately tied to Lesson 3. If we realize that our external world is created by our thoughts, then whenever we perceive someone as attacking us, we only have to replace that thought with thoughts of love in order to stop the attack. I know this is a deep concept but the field of quantum physics seems to be providing evidence that this concept has some validity.
Lesson 6: I Am Not the Victim of the World I See
Jampolsky tells us, “When we allow ourselves to think we are living in an unfriendly environment where we must fear being hurt or victimized, we can only suffer.” When we understand that the world is a creation of our own mind, then we can simply change our minds about what we see. (Well, maybe not so simply, but it can be done if we are determined.)
Lesson 7: Today I Will Judge Nothing That Occurs
Think about what it would be like to spend one entire day judging nothing and no one, including yourself. Whenever we judge, we are fragmenting a part of the person of which we disapprove and this judgment is a habit from our past that results in nothing but “fear and conditional love.” When we make the decision to love, we become able to focus on people’s strengths and overlook their weaknesses. Can you even imagine what that might be like?
Lesson 8: This Instant Is the Only Time There Is
When we hold onto the negative experiences from our past---the guilt, regrets and complaints---we tend to project the past into the present and the future, imaging that the bad things from the past will simply continue to repeat in our future. This instant is the only time there is pertains to us being fully present in each moment so that we let go of the guilt of the past and the worry about the future.
Lesson 9: The Past Is Over It Can Touch Me Not
So often we allow our experiences from the past to make us fearful of the present and future, we cannot be truly present, nor can we open ourselves up for love. We must realize that the past is over and can hurt us no more. There is no need to protect oneself from things that are over. When you can open yourself up for love, you can release the past and the blame you hold for yourself and others.
Lesson 10: I Could See Peace Instead of This
Jampolsky says that when we are constantly dwelling on our painful pasts and worrying about our anticipated futures, then we lose the ability to experience happiness in the present moment. We are constantly in a state of conflict and cannot be truly happy. Living in the moment is the key to happiness.
Lesson 11: I Can Elect to Change All Thoughts that Hurt
While expecting pain to come into our lives, there is a way to change those thoughts. We can use the power or our minds to imagine a way out of our problems and use visualization to put ourselves in a place that is peaceful. Once we have mastered this skill, we can carry that peace with us wherever we go. There is also wisdom in viewing problems as opportunities. That way we can accept problems as challenges and view their solution as learning that will promote our growth. We are never presented with a problem that we are not ready to handle.
Lesson 12: I Am Responsible for What I See
This is how the book ends with Jampolsky reminding us that we have created everything we have in our lives and if we are not satisfied, then we must change our thoughts to attract the love and happiness into our lives that we desire.
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F-r-e-e Teleclass Offer
How would you like to take one of my teleclasses for f.ree? All you have to do is get two (2) people to subscribe to either of my e-zines and send me their e-mail addresses for confirmation with the name of the teleclass you would like to attend. If you do not wish to attend one of the teleclasses, you can give your f.ree teleclass to a friend or family member. It’s that simple! Send either one or both of the following links to all your friends and family and ask them to subscribe to the e-zine. For the personal edition of "Inside Out", go to The Relationship Center and for the business/school edition go to Coaching for Excellence and have them type their name and email address in the boxes on the right-hand side of the web page where it says, “Subscribe to Receive 'Inside Out', our Fr.ee eZine". Only two people actually have to subscribe for you to be eligible for a f.ree teleclass. Once their subscription has been confirmed you will receive an e-mail giving you the bridge line and access code for the teleclass of your choosing. A listing of teleclasses being offered can be found in both my weekly e-zine or on my calendar page at either web site. There is no limit to the amount of f.ree teleclasses you can earn---you get one f.ree teleclass for every two referrals that sign up for one of my e-zines. Within the next year I am planning on adding many new teleclasses on several topics including the following:
Building Quality Relationships
Stop Lying NOW
Children & Divorce
…….and many more. Please continue to check this eZine and my website calendar for these new and exciting teleclasses. Don’t wait, take advantage of this offer and experience the new technology of teleclasses, learning and growing from home.
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Copyright © June 1, 2005 Kim Olver.
All rights reserved