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STAR, THE - Chicago Heights area (IL){PUBLICATION2}

March 9, 2006

Unhealthy communication can poison even the best relationships

No man is an island.

Poet John Donne may well have added, "Nor is a woman."

Like it or not, getting along with the opposite sex, especially with a romantic partner, is one of life's biggest challenges. Kim Olver, a Country Club Hills relationship coach, in a recent interview pointed out every individual is driven to fulfill certain personal desires.

"In relationships, when we connect with another person we are still seeking to get our own needs met," Olver said.

"And, when we don't get the cooperation we think we deserve to get these needs met, we tend to fall into what can be called the 'Seven Deadly Relationship Habits.' "

Olver explained this concept was developed by Dr. William Glasser as part of his Choice Theory in behavioral counseling techniques.

"Everybody has their favorite 'deadly' relationship habit," she said. "Mine is nagging."

After "nagging," "blaming" is next on the list, followed by "criticizing," which Olver said is the deadliest of all.

"I believe the term 'constructive criticism' is an oxymoron," she said. "Criticism is always hurtful. We all must be allowed to be where we are and do the things we need to do."

A fourth unhealthy relationship habit is complaining.

"People should make the time they spend together more attractive to each other," she said.

"Do you really want to spend time with someone who is always complaining or nagging?"

Punishing behaviors, such as the silent treatment or physical distancing, are also destructive to a happy relationship, Olver said.

Nor are threats such as "I'll leave you!" a useful way to gain what is desired from a significant other.

Finally, the seventh deadly habit -- bribing -- may at first appear to be a positive solution for getting what you want.

"Bribing may look good," Olver said, "but it is damaging over the long-term.

"What you are saying is, 'I want you to do something you don't want to do, so I'll dangle a carrot in front of you.'

"Bribing is not the same as compromise, though. Compromise is healthy."

So exactly what are these important needs we all struggle to have met in our primary relationships?

Olver, a licensed professional counselor who trained with Glasser, said the Choice Theory maintains all of our choices and behaviors stem from six basic needs.

These six are: survival, power, love, belonging, freedom and fun.

"Survival needs are basic to men and women," Olver said. "Everyone has to have food, shelter and clothing to survive, but trust, safety and security are also part of our survival needs."

Power, she said, is generally more important to men than women in the years before middle age.

"In youth and early adulthood, men are more geared toward being powerful, recognized, respected and important," Olver said.

Love and belonging are priorities for teenage girls and young women who most often are seeking connection and support through their primary relationships, she said.

Interestingly, these particular needs of men and women often reverse at midlife.

"Men's power needs tend to go from high to low when they reach middle age," she said.

"By that time they have built the career, earned the respect and now they are ready to settle back and enjoy life with their wives.

"The only problem is that, after all the years of more or less coping on their own to get their needs met, women at this stage of life are ready for new interests themselves -- their power need goes into high gear.

"It's a miracle men and women ever get along at all," Olver added with a laugh.

The relationship coach said midlife is a time for couples to renegotiate their relationships, acknowledging the partner's shifting needs.

"I believe this reversal of basic needs is why there are so many divorces at midlife," Olver said.

However, in some areas of life, differing needs can enhance a couple's relationship, she noted.

For example, a woman strong on survival who wants security above all else can live contentedly with a high-powered ambitious provider.

The need for freedom -- to do things in your own way and in your own time -- varies from person to person.

"Not everyone has a high need for freedom," Olver said. "This is an area where couples can reach a compromise.

"But, if one person has a high drive for freedom and the other is strongly in need of love and belonging, problems can arise."

Finally, in Choice Theory the "need" for fun does not imply we are seeking a life of jokes and frivolity.

"What is meant by fun is simply the opportunity for relaxation, pleasure and useful learning -- the things that make life worthwhile."

Olver said couples should assess each individual's needs and determine what compromise is necessary to live in relative harmony.

Compromise is not manipulation, she added.

"Games have no place in a relationship," she said. "If asking for what you want hasn't worked, then you have a decision to make.

"Some questions you might consider are, 'Am I still getting enough of what I need from this relationship to stay, or is it time to move on?'

"You have to ask yourself, 'Whose problem is it?' and realize the only behavior you can control is your own."

Copyright, 2006, STAR, THE - Chicago Heights area. All rights reserved. REPRODUCTION PROHIBITED.