When it comes to relationships, we all have them and believe that we should simply, somehow, just KNOW how to manage them, but where did we learn from? Who taught us? What classes did we take? Where is the degree on our wall in relationships? There is none!!! No training, no classes, no diplomas—only trial and error. How is it working for you so far?

It didn’t work very well for me, the trial and error approach. I did receive a sort of training, I suppose, from my family when I was growing up.

In my house, there were never any disagreements. My father was king and my mother accommodated him quite well. I had two younger brothers and I guess we got along all right but I remember some serious fighting on a few occasions.

What I learned, as a female in that house, was that my needs weren’t important. To have a successful relationship, I had to serve my man above all else. This was my script but I’m sure you all had yours, as well.

Then, when I was in college, something happened to rattle that script. My parents got divorced. I sure didn’t understand that—they never even argued! I realized that the way I learned may not be right at all but I didn’t know what to do instead. There was no model for that!

I know people who have gone from one relationship to another, rehearsing their script, perfecting their script, and having the same disastrous results with their relationships. Why don’t more people seek help to learn a new script when theirs is so obviously not working?

Most people in failed relationships neglect to look at the role they played in the failure. They are much more comfortable pointing a finger at their partner and squarely placing the blame on his or her shoulders. In all the time I have worked with couples, I have never seen a relationship fail simply because of one person’s failings or shortcomings. Both people contribute to the break up of a relationship.

To me, it only makes sense to look at our own contribution to the mix. Why? We are wasting our energy trying to get our partner to change. People pretty much are who they are and they do what they do until they, themselves, are ready to change.

If you are waiting for your partner to change, how long have you already been waiting? How much longer are willing to wait? If you partner has to change for you to be satisfied, then I would suggest finding a new partner or completely accepting your partner as is.

The real empowering place to focus your energy when attempting to improve your relationship is on your own thinking and behavior. Now that is something you have control over changing!
Relationships from the Inside Out helps people look at the things in their life over which they have control. In relationships, who do you think you can control?

It sure isn’t your partner! If it were, you would simply control him or her into being the person you want and then you would live happily ever after! The only person’s behavior you can control is yours. It sounds so simple and so common sense but how often, particularly in relationships, do you try to change the other person? It’s an exercise in futility.

Does any of this sound familiar?

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If after reading this letter you still aren’t convinced, you have more questions or simply want some more information, please email kim@TheRelationshipCenter.biz or phone me at 708-957-6047. I will be happy to talk with you.

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Kim@TheRelationshipCenter.biz

Coaching for Excellence
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 Copyright © November 2006 Kim Olver. All rights reserve