In this Issue
Relationship ABCs
Book Review
How Would Love Respond?
by Kurek Ashley
Inside Out Empowerment Webstore
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Inside Out Ongoing Mastermind Group, offered the second Tuesday of every month. Anyone can join in to learn about the process of IOE, Inside Out Empowerment and how it can open your heart, free your mind and transform your life.
The mastermind group is one (1) hour in length unless otherwise stated and all you need is a telephone. When you register we will send you a phone number that you will call five minutes prior to the start of your teleconference. You will have the opportunity to ask questions, but if you prefer to just listen that’s all right too. You do not need a computer or Internet, only a telephone. Don’t delay. There are a limited number of slots available. WorkshopsPrairie State College, 4821 Southwick Drive, Matteson, IL 60443 If you are interested in attending all (3) seminars: Relationship Empowerment, Getting What You Want in 2012 and Stress Management for Difficult Times , then please register for the entire one-day program. Not only will you save $42, you can still bring a guest for free. Prairie State College, 4821 Southwick Drive, Matteson, IL 60443 In this highly interactive workshop the seven deadly and seven caring habits of relationships are covered. Explore how males and females experience relationships and want different things from the relationship. Discuss the three possible relationship choices: leave it, change it, or accept it. Conflict resolution is demonstrated using different techniques. Bring a guest for free. Prairie State College, 4821 Southwick Drive, Matteson, IL 60443 Learn how to attain goals with an effective time-tested system. Since attaining goals requires hard work and determination, this system provides built-in support and accountability. Learn how to identify Stress Management for Difficult Times Prairie State College, 4821 Southwick Drive, Matteson, IL 60443 Learn how to reduce stress in your life. You can't always change or control the things that happen in your life but learning some revolutionary,outside-the-box techniques will help you better manage whatever life throws your way. Intro to Choice Theory Prairie State College, 4821 Southwick Drive, Matteson, IL 60443 Dr. William Glasser's new psychology of personal freedom,"Choice Theory," is discussed. Choice Theory empowers people to change their lives personally and professionally by putting their energy into those things they have control over—their own behavior and thinking. Learn how to self-evaluate and help others self-evaluate the effectiveness of their choices. Identifying the fundamentals of choice therapy and interviewing clients using reality therapy are covered in this workshop. |
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Inside Out
Personal Edition
“You can't change the direction of the wind. . .
but you can adjust your sails!”
--Jimmy Dean
Kim Olver, MS, NCC, LCPC
www.TheRelationshipCenter.biz
Kim@TheRelationshipCenter.biz
January 31, 2012 - Volume 8, Issue 1
A Message from Kim
Hi Everyone,
I know it's been a long time since my last newsletter but this one is going to make up for it. There is so much new going on and I want to tell you all about it. The Relationship Center is getting a new look. It's not ready yet but it will be soon and I can't wait to show it to you. I am combining everything under on roof, so to speak. As you know, my mission is to help people get along better with the important people in their lives, including themselves, at home and at work. This will be the new mission of The Relationship Center. Everything we do is about relationships, relationships, relationships. I work with couples who are struggling, parents who don't know how to reach their children, people not happy with themselves, and people at work who struggle with managing those around them, whether it's customers, co-workers, bosses or people they manage. The new Relationship Center is where people can get help with the important personal and work relationship in their lives. When your relationships are functioning in supportive, encouraging, and peaceful ways, then the rest of your life seems effortless.
What most people don't understand is that is doesn't necessarily take two to improve a relationship. If you are unhappy in your relationship, you can change it by either changing what you want, changing what you do or changing your perception about the situation. People tend to create their own misery by dictating what the people in their lives need to do so they can be happy. When I stop counting on someone else to "fix" my problem and recognize that is my responsibility, then I am empowered to create my own happiness. This is the message and goal of InsideOut Empowerment, the revolutionary process used at The Relationship Center to help people create the life they want and deserve to have.
If work relationships are your source of stress, it might be you are a supervisor not getting the responses from your workers you'd like, or you may be having difficulty forming and maintaining productive teamwork, employee morale, or priority management. Sometimes the problem relationship is with yourself. Perhaps you want to loss weight, manage stress or time better, deal with grief, overcome anxiety or depression, or achieve your goals more effectively. This would fall under improving your relationship with yourself. And of course, it might be a personal relationship with your significant other, your child, your parent, sibling or best friend.
The Relationship Center has online products to help you--a blog, free assessments, a newsletter, mastermind sessions, teleconferences, webinars, tip sheets and eCourses. And if you prefer a more personal approach, we can help with group or individual coaching or we can speak at your event. We also have a coaching program for those interested in coaching or who simply want to learn more about InsdeOut Empowerment.
The Relationship Center will help you take control of your life by helping you focus on those things you can change rather than creating misery spending time and energy trying to change everything else. I'm looking forward to seeing you there!
Free Your Mind, Open Your Heart &
Transform Your Life!
Kim Olver
Feature Article
Relationship ABCs
by Kim Olver
When you are in a relationship you value, it is important to subscribe to the ABCs of Relationships, mind your P & Qs and everything else from A to Z.
A = Accepting
When in a relationship, it is important to accept your partner as he or she is, instead of always trying to change him or her. If you want to embark on a self-improvement plan, start with yourself. When you don’t like something about your partner, it’s experienced as criticism. When you accept other’s idiosyncrasies, it is the gift of unconditional love.
B = Believe
When you are in a relationship, you must believe in your partner. Believe in their abilities, believe in their dreams, and believe in their love. When you have a partnership, you believe in each other. No one should have more faith in your partner than you do.
C = Communication
Effective communication is critical to the success of intimate relationships.
D = Disagree in Private
Whenever you are having disagreements, discuss them in private. The whole world does not need to know your personal business. When you are with others, including children, parents and friends, do not look to them to take sides. Work out your issues with no spectators.
E = Encourage
Encouraging your partner is about being his or her cheerleader, helping him/her to do things s/he wants to do.
F = Friendship
When you are in a successful relationship, your partner is someone you genuinely like and with whom you share common interests. When important things happen you are excited to tell your significant other. You don't try to manipulate him or her. You share a genuine friendship.
G = Gratitude
Be grateful every moment for your loved one's presence in your life. You never know when a life is going to end. And remember, your loved one has a choice. He or she can always find another who will show more gratitude. Gratitude doesn't make you weak; it makes you appealing.
H = Happiness
When you love someone, you want them to know you are happy to be with him/her. Have you ever seen how happy a dog gets when his or her owner comes home? That's how happy you want your partner to know you are when you are with him or her.
I = Integrity
Integrity is important in all relationships but is of utmost importance in your intimate one. Say what you do & do what you say withour exception. Do not make promises unless you intend to keep them and when you do promise something, move heaven and earth to make it happen.
J = Eliminate Jealousy
Your partner is not your possession. Jealousy will not bring you closer. Jealousy stems from four root causes: insecurity, past experiences, thinking your partner is your possession and expecting things to never change. Do you know where yours comes from?
K =Kindness
When in a loving relationship, you want to treat your partner with kindness, even when it's not returned. You are kind because you never know when either you or your partner will have your last day on earth and you are kind because that is the kind of person you want to be.
L = Listening
I'm not talking about simply listening to hear. I'm talking about listening for understanding. Instead of tuning out or just waiting for your partner to take a breath, really listen to try to see where he or she is coming from. You don't have to find agreement, just a better understanding. This will really help you when we get to the letter "N."
M = Maintenance
Getting the guy/girl is not the end, but rather just the beginning. What are you doing to nurture your long-term relationship?
N = Negotiating Differences
In any relationship, there will be times when you want different things. Most of the time, when you and someone else want different things, you try to figure out how you can get what you want.
When you are negotiating differences, you have a completely different mindset. Now you are concerned with both getting what you want AND helping the other person get what he or she wants too. When you have this mindset of both win, it becomes relatively easy to find a solution.
O = Openness
Transparency is important in a loving relationship. Being a private person is great, but in a loving relationship, you don't want to keep secrets from your partner. A long term committed relationship is a huge gift you give one another. Reward each other with transparency so a strong bond of trust can develop.
P = Pamper
Don’t just pamper your partner when you are getting to know each other. Continue the pampering forever! Instead of focusing on the things your partner does that are annoying to you, put your focus on the things you love. When you focus on the positive, you’d be surprised at how easy it is to continue the pampering long after the “I Dos.”
Q = Quixotic
I know, I was definitely reaching for a “Q” word here but allow me to provide the definition since I never knew this word before searching the dictionary. According to Webster, quixotic means: absurdly or extravagantly romantic or chivalrous. It goes right along with Pamper. Don’t stop the romance or chivalry just because you “got” the guy or girl. Continue it forever. The more you love each other, the more you will love each other.
R = Respecting
Respecting is about listening to learn what your partner needs to feel respected and then giving it to him or her. Do not respect your partner the way you wish your partner would respect you. You will probably miss the mark as your picture of respect likely looks different. Focus on the platinum, rather than the golden, rule: "Do unto others as they would have you do unto them."
T= Trusting
If you want to have a meaningful and healthy relationship, then you are going to have to trust your partner. Trust is one of the important building blocks of healthy relationships. Trust is a choice you make; it's not necessarily something a person must earn. That being said, however, if your partner has shown he or she is not trustworthy in certain areas, then trust him or her to continuing being who they have shown you to be. Don't expect a cat to turn into a dog.
U = Understanding
If I had to list the most important quality in a relationship, I would say it's the quest for understanding. I say "quest" because I don't believe you can ever fully understand another person but the desire to work at better understanding will help a relationship last in a very healthy atmosphere.
V =Value Each Other
There will be times when you aren't able to understand your partner because he or she does or sees something so differently than you do. When this happens, instead of devaluing your partner, value him or her as bringing something different or a new perspective to the situation.
W =Win/Win/Win
In Secrets of Happy Couples, I talk about having a win/win/win whenever you are able to negotiate your differences so both of you are satisfied with the outcome. You win, your partner wins and the third win occurs because your relationship grows stronger for going through the process.
X =X-rated
Be sure to schedule some X-rated time with your partner into the busyness of your life. Connecting with each other in a sexual way is an important part of maintaining closeness and it's a great stress reliever too!
Y = Yin / Yang
Maintain the balance in your relationship. Sometimes you will carry the load, sometimes your partner will and often you will share it. Balance is the key.
Z = Zest
Maintain your energy and excitement when you are with your partner so he or she knows how happy you are to be together.
Follow these Relationship ABCs so your relationship will sizzle not fizzle!
Copyright © February 2012 Kim Olver. All rights reserved
About Kim OlverKim Olver, LCPC, NCC is a life coach and public speaker who has been working almost three decades helping people get along better with the important people in their lives, including themselves. Kim works with couples, parents and children, and individuals seeking to improve their lives. To purchase Secrets of Happy Couples go to http://www.SecretsofHappyCouples.com |
Click here to read some of Kim's other articles
Quote of the Month
"One of the most difficult lessons to master as we struggle to create effective change is to learn not to label something as bad just because it is different from what we want."
--William Glasser, MD
Book Review
How Would Love Respond?
by Kurek Ashley
This was one of the best books I've read in recent history. It's a self-growth book that had me gripped in suspense in the first chapter! Ashley selflessly shares his personal heartache to show others that if he can make it, you can too. Only it's not just some motivational, rah rah fluff. This book provides real suggestions for how to make a decision to change your life and then follow through to make your decision a reality. Since I am a relationship counselor, I particularly loved the last chapter of the book, where once again, Ashley allows the reader to feel his pain for the reader's greater good and understanding. I'm recommending it to anyone who wants to make positive change in his or her life!
Tip of the Month
I know I frequently talk about problem identification, meaning the person who is most upset about a situation is the person who owns the problem and is responsible for its solution. But I don't always focus on the initial step. The first step is to ask for what you want. We are not always good at asking directly for what we want, especially the female gender.
We tend to hint around about what we want and then get angry when our significant other doesn't read our mind. When we want something from someone else, whether it's in our personal or professional lives, we owe it to ourselves and the other person to directly ask for what we want.
Who knows? You might actually get lucky and when you ask for what you want, you actually get it. That really does happen. But often it doesn't. And when it doesn't, you are left with the options of suffering in silence, making the other person suffer by trying to make him or her solve YOUR problem, or adjusting yourself to better deal with the issue.
However, don't forget the first step and ask directly for what you want.
Q & A
Question: I'm in a relationship and I'm really into this person. I want to be with him all the time. I think about him whenever we aren't together. He's really important to me. The problem is that he has a really high freedom need and wants more time apart. I'm not sure how we are going to work this out.
Answer: When you have a high need for connection and your partner has a high need for freedom, you are in for a real challenge! I don't ever say it can't work out but you are going to have to be very flexible to make this work. Why you and not both of you? Well, that's simple. You need his cooperation to get quality time with him. He doesn't need your cooperation to have time alone. Therefore you will be the one doing most of the adjustment. You, and only you, will be able to determine if it will be worth it.
I suggest you take the following steps:
- Recognize you want different things but still want to honor the relationship.
- Be clear about what you need to feel satisfied in your relationship.
- Inform your partner what you want and listen for understanding to what he or she wants.
- Make a decision about what you are willing to do for the relationship and communicate that to your partner.
- Listen to what, if anything, your partner is willing to do for the relationship.
- If you both are happy and accepting of each other's offer, then all is well.
- If you are still not happy, then look at the situation in terms of what lesson you are being provided the opportunity to learn.
However, if after doing all that, you decide you can't, no matter how hard you try, get what you need in this relationship, then you may be looking at a deal breaker situation and choose to end the relationship. But if you have any investment in the relationship and are willing to support your partner in his independence and he is willing to help you with your love & belonging need, you should be able to achieve a healthy balance in your relationship.
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